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Suffering from social anxiety, depression and extremely lonely, please help

I

Interesting_Doubt_

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
3
I am a 21 year old male I will be 22 in November and my life is just constant suffering. It has been constant suffering all through my teens as I made no friends in high school due to my social anxiety and was bullied a lot. My family have never been supportive either and shown that they don't care about my suffering. I graduated school at 18 and went to college for two years, in the UK this is further not higher education. I then chose to go to a uni at the other side of the country instead of one in my home city for two reasons: to escape my toxic family and to be able to meet friends and get a girlfriend.

My first year at uni went horribly, I have been extremely lonely since the start of high school but these two years at uni have been the worst of my life. I made an effort to go out and meet people, my flat mates when I first started at uni but I never had any proper conversations with any of them I just kind of tagged along they weren't really my friends I was just with them. Due to this and the fact they all sodialised with each other had long conversations developed into proper personal friendships exchanged contact details etc I slowly faded out of the picture. I used to sit in my room on a Saturday night and wait for them to go out of theirs so I could join them. That lasted almost two months then I was out of the picture. After Christmas in first year I developed deep depression. I was so alone seeing all the friends together at uni all carefree and happy and especially all the couples. Hearing the girl above me and her boyfriend have really really loud sex which felt like my ceiling would collapse on me hurt me so so much because since I was a young teenager I have desired a relationship with a girl and being so so lonely all these years.

My first year of uni was so so lonely and second year was even worse. The normal people who don't have social anxiety all make friends in first year and go and live with them in second year. I had to live with strangers in second year a bunch of girls who I didn't like, only one I found friendly the rest were very OCD and rude and stand offish. Had I had the confidence to go and make friends in first year I would have lived with them instead. I have missed out on so much joy it is killing me! Instead I have had two years straight from hell!

At the end of first year I decided that something needed to change so I contacted a therapy centre and seen a therapist every two weeks from October to March. During those five months and over ten sessions. I never once told him I had panic attacks only social anxiety and that I was very self conscious in public which is true. However, I never elaborated at any point. He just sat there and talked to me and I just said yeah, that aside I never said anything! I have wasted all that time and money and he gave me exposure therapy tasks to do which involved talking to people at uni but didn't bother to push myself and do them. He also asked me to do skype therapy but I was worried my flat mates would hear the conversation so I said no. I then a month later said I'm going home from uni and will contact you in September for therapy but he never replied even though I wasn't asking him anything but I still would have liked a reply and my anxiety is making me think he is angry at me for not wanting to do skype. Once this lockdown ends which in the UK should be in a few weeks hopefully I can do therapy in my home city, this time I will tell everything no matter how awkward it is that's the only way these thoughts that are ruining my life will be tackeld!

In first year despite being extremely lonely I still managed to look after myself. I slept early had full night sleep every night ate heatlhy meals three times a day although I often got too scared to go in the kitchen when my flat mates were there and went in after they left. I also attended every single lecture. In second year I was so depressed and miserable I stayed up till 5- 6am most nights slept till late afternoon, only ate microwave meals only showered once every 4-5 days and never attedned a single lecture and skipped out on a few seminar readings too. Thus I got nothing socially in both years and only gained academic knowledge fully in first year.
Seeing friends kills me but couples is a lot worse. I just get so scared and self conscious in public I have a really bad stutter since i am really nervous when I talk. I said I was going to push myself to join societies in second year but kept postponing it and in November I said I'll just wait till January but then didn't do it. I also get really uptight don't know if it's my anxiety. The UK isn't exactly America it isn't known for its dramatically friendly people, people here keep to themselves aren't overly loud and never smile. They will move mountains for their friends and family but are very stand offish to strangers. This made me think or made my anxiety percieve everybody to hate me which made me very angry and bitter which itself is an emotional problem like anxiety and depression.

What made me have my breaking point, something that for about a year has been building. The belief that girls hate me. I am an attractive guy and in the past have had a lot of girls get giddy and smile when looking my way, girls who just see me in public but since I've been depressed girls don't look at me like that. When girls look stern or serious at me I take it personally, think they hate me and get really sad and hurt. Then I see couples and my irrational anxious brain thinks those girls would rather be with their boyfriend than me because they hate me and I get really bitter and jealous and sad, even though that is bullshit. If I talked to any girl they'd be excited since I am attractive and they'd see the nice kind caring side of me. The one time I was at a nightclub with my one and only friend I made, only because he is extremely sociable and made the effort to talk to me first, seeing all those strangers makeout and then go home and fuck made me so so so sad. I had girls eyeing me up all night then other guys who they never even looked at would walk over and talk to them and they'd make out! I felt like crying.
Since I fucked up two years of uni, although I borderline passed second year, I only have two left and feel cheated out of the full four everyone else gets. I thought about applying for another degree since I study history and really want to do sociology, instead of joining them as I planned I am thinking of doing sociology once I get my history degree as a separate degree but I heard UK govt doesn't fund second degrees and I can't afford to pay all that in a year, it would have to be a loan I pay back over many years. I really don't want two very brief years and only a potential one year living with friends I make if things go well when other people have three even four years at uni living with friends and have many friends back home, supportive family, tons of casual sex, several romantic relationships I have none, I'm 22 almost and have missed out on so so much time and still have two years left of my degree.
This post is really long and could have gone much longer but I really need help. Where do I go from here? I have nobody.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
hey interesting doubt, i relate to what you say....i had social anxiety at uni myself....i didnt have frineds and was looked down upon....what i would do if i were you i would look out for support groups....personally i went to depression/anxiety support groups.....one such group was GROW....it is an international self help support group which allows people to discuss their mental health issues and have the support from fellow sufferers....i think its a good one

also there are self help groups for social anxiety, you just need to google them....i thi nk they are on meetup.com but also there would be others

Also there are groups for depression, im not sure what theyre called in your country, but id look in to them......but what i do recommend is GROW.....google GROW self help groups

i hope things improve for you soon.....PM me if you need to talk or want clarity concerning this post or whatever
 
K

karl7

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Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
also i use a website called socialanxietysupport.com/forum ......its good for talking to other sociala nxiety sufferers both in the UK and worldwide....i go there and its good support
 
E

Eirlys

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Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
23
Location
England
Hi, it's good that you've got plans to deal with things once lockdown restrictions have eased. Until then hold onto the fact that you know you will be able to make more progress with it soon and maybe have a look at various mental health apps and websites to see if any work for you to help you until you are able to seek help again. I can somewhat relate to your frustrations with missing out on properly enjoying your time at university as I was severely depressed through my first semester due to anxiety and just as I had gotten the hang of things my first year was basically over due to the coronavirus outbreak. Do your best to not be angry at yourself for missing out on that time as it's not your fault you have struggled so much and it won't help you make the most of your time moving forward. Hopefully when you next get help you'll find things more helpful whether it is with a new therapist you get on with more, medication or being able to share more with a therapist. Social anxiety and depression is tough but it is possible to get through it. Hope this might have helped in some way!
 
S

Siddiq

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Sep 29, 2020
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USA
Yo. If ur still on this site I would check out this podcast on social anxiety, it’s an episode on Mental Illness Happy Hour, season 8 I believe. It helped me breakthrough, along with therapy of course. Nothings wrong with you, you just think there is so it appears that way. And most of the time it doesn’t even appear that way.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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Dec 9, 2020
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you are acting like a drill sergeant towards yourself. yelling at yourself to be different.

start by seeing all the advantages if being the way you are. then begin to slowly expand your mind towards a stronger version of yourself.

the external things will fall into place when they are ready. those are not your concern. your real concern should be: 1- recognizing the divinity within you. 2- honoring that. 3- expanding that.

life is a university of the soul. you are here to learn and expand yourself to prepare for the next higher dimension. the external world is just the canvas your paint yourself on. its all about you.

you are already 1000X greater then any external thing you perceive or want.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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If I talked to any girl they'd be excited since I am attractive and they'd see the nice kind caring side of me
This is positive.
I had girls eyeing me up all night
This sounds good too.

Doubt you'll see this post since you're not on this site these days and only made a few posts back whenever a bunch of months ago. I've had similar issues in my life though I'm an old guy now. I wasn't unattractive ever really, except maybe when I put on weight. I had interest from good-looking women plenty of times. And I'm considered an intelligent person as my whole (messed up) family was. But this social phobia issue is really insidious. It's common enough but the majority are like myself, suffering long years, never quite understanding it as an illness or accepting it. Other people may be baffled too. Kinda like, how come my life hasn't turned out better?

Anyway, good luck.
 
malika

malika

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Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
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argentina
Yo. If ur still on this site I would check out this podcast on social anxiety, it’s an episode on Mental Illness Happy Hour, season 8 I believe. It helped me breakthrough, along with therapy of course. Nothings wrong with you, you just think there is so it appears that way. And most of the time it doesn’t even appear that way.
hi siddiq, could you share where to find that podcast? or anyone? sounds interesting but i couldnt find it. thankful for any hints
 
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