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Stuck In Tar

Lynnikin

Lynnikin

New member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Planet Earth
Hello. Ever since I was a child, I've felt like I've lived in tar. Trapped in it, to be precise. My childhood wasn't easy as I lived with a stepfather that was an alcoholic and abusive mainly towards my mother. He used to beat her, and I always called the police. That's the only thing I remember. Maybe it's PTSD related, I don't know, but I feel like it's related to this.

I can't think. It's like my head is filled with tar and nothing matters. I've never really had a destination where I want to work towards. Yes, I can laugh and cry and show emotions from time to time, yet I have nothing going on, meaning they're momentary things and don't add to anything. I have a history of self harming, although it has never been an issue, I only see myself as a masochist.

Even when I'm writing this, I lost the track of my thoughts. I had a point. It's frustrating. I've went to professionals many times, yet I can't find the words to tell them what's going on. And then they say I have depression and anxiety. I can't even tell them about the thoughts that aren't mine.

I tell everyone I have future plans, yet none of this matters and I feel like a big fraud. Besides my mother has suicidal thoughts, and I don't know what to do with that. She told her friend when she was wasted. We're not people who talk about their feelings, and we've never done that. We don't even hug each other. I can't even brush my hand against hers without feeling disgusted. Mostly because I don't want physical touch from anyone.

I had a point. This always happens. No wonder people don't like me. I don't really care about having friends anyway, I end up pushing them away, shutting myself. I'm going to die anyway, why bother? Why let someone in and only drag them down to only let them go? That's ridiculous.

My mind is full of tar. I'm stuck, have been for years. This is ridiculous. I can't think. I can't keep up with my every day life. And I'm exhausted. With this. And the global warming. And the last of my friends. And my mother. My financial situation. I'm exhausted.
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi Lynn

So sorry to read of your experiences. Yep, I can relate to the tar-pit mind.

'I had a point. This always happens. No wonder people don't like me. I don't really care about having friends anyway, I end up pushing them away, shutting myself. I'm going to die anyway, why bother? Why let someone in and only drag them down to only let them go? That's ridiculous.'

You are right, it is ridiculous but also really understandable. I am so scared / certain of bad outcomes of the emotions of dealing with others and my predicting their negative responses to me that I cut to the chase and avoid them, bringing about the feared conclusion, reinforcing the isolation and fear of both my emotions and of others. It is a vicious, rotten, circle. I think of it as punching myself in the face because that is easier than dealing with the hope that others may not punch me.

Many hugs. Take much care of yourself.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
437
That is so difficult, Lynn. I don't know what the solution is. You have had a difficult life. It sounds like you have pursued treatment in the past. I suppose it hasn't helped much. I can only pray for you and hope for the best for you. Being stuck in tar is difficult. I think I can relate to what you are saying, I've had some of the same feelings quite often.
 
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