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Struggling

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Proggy

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Romford, Essex
I'm having a horrible time lately.

I've been put on meds and they seemed to be working until I started struggling at my new job. I keep messing up and lack confidence, I'm unable to stay asleep due to racing thoughts about being written up and not passing my probationary period when I need this job so I can renew my visa next year.

I'm at my wit's end and the suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger. There's been so much loss in my family lately and so many terrible things have happened to me personally during the past few months, I don't know what to do.

I'm struggling and I honestly want to end it all. I have no purpose, I am stupid and a complete waste of space. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with someone who has died who had a lot more to live for than myself.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I feel like a mess.
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
2,486
Location
Planet Mercury
Don’t be so hard on yourself. When things get worse they tend to also get better. I hope your feeling better now. Welcome to the forum.

:grouphug:
Scapes
 
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Am33

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
153
Location
Fiji
Look at a fan that's still with dust on it now turn the fan on all the way and we see nothing can stick to it now .Same with extreme depression we have to accelerate our minds out of the negative thoughts how ? Same way with the fan turning up the energy giving positive affirmations , mantras , prayers until the negative energy lessens 1 hr mornings, evenings and you will sleep better also. Then we have to look at the limiting beliefs with therapy that are causing these thoughts to intrude into your subconscious.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,079
Location
England
Hello proggy. Do you think a break from work may help? If you are anxious and work is making you want to end your life it sounds like staying there is making you unwell.
 
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Proggy

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Romford, Essex
Hello proggy. Do you think a break from work may help? If you are anxious and work is making you want to end your life it sounds like staying there is making you unwell.
I've only just started at this job after being made redundant by my last job. I can't take a break as I need to make sure I'm working steadily for the next 6 months so I can make the financial requirement for my visa renewal. There aren't many options at the moment, and I'm pretty sure I'll be fired anyway as I keep making mistakes and it's only the probationary period. I don't really know what to do anymore 😞
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,465
I wonder if this job is stressing you out, and making you feel anxious. Could that be the cause of your mistakes? The renewal of your Visa is also prominent in your mind... There is always a way forward. Are there ways to reduce your stress levels, to make your job easier to manage :hug:
 
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Proggy

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Romford, Essex
I wonder if this job is stressing you out, and making you feel anxious. Could that be the cause of your mistakes? The renewal of your Visa is also prominent in your mind... There is always a way forward. Are there ways to reduce your stress levels, to make your job easier to manage :hug:
It most definitely is causing me great amounts of stress. I changed over to a completely different role than I'm used to and I'm finding it difficult to adjust. I honestly think I should go back home instead of trying to renew my visa, it's been on my mind a lot recently. Even though I would be separated from my husband and pets, I'm finding that I don't fit in here and that I'm struggling to assimilate because the culture is very different to what I was used to. It's been 4 years and things have only gotten worse.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Messages
1,465
You also sound deeply unhappy... I wonder what your instinct is telling you? Have you spoken to your Husband about any of this? Do you think he would go with you, if you were to take that route? Other things to think about might be approaching your employer if you feel your current role is too over your head right now, re-assuring them of your 100% commitment, but how it is stressing you. How are things with your Husband, if he is able to understand how you are feeling and offer you his support, it will no doubt give you the strength you need right now to overcome these obstacles... More importantly what do you think :)
 
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Proggy

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Romford, Essex
You also sound deeply unhappy... I wonder what your instinct is telling you? Have you spoken to your Husband about any of this? Do you think he would go with you, if you were to take that route? Other things to think about might be approaching your employer if you feel your current role is too over your head right now, re-assuring them of your 100% commitment, but how it is stressing you. How are things with your Husband, if he is able to understand how you are feeling and offer you his support, it will no doubt give you the strength you need right now to overcome these obstacles... More importantly what do you think :)
I am deeply unhappy. I very much dislike living in the UK and have noticed a steep decline in my mental health since marrying and moving here.

I've spoken to my husband, he doesn't really say much in response to my unhappiness. He would prefer to stay here due to some personal circumstances and probably wouldn't join me back home for years if at all.

My job wouldn't be too keen on me approaching them as it is so early on, I mean I've struggled to even get the schedule changed so I could go to an appointment, so there's really no wiggle room.

I want to go home, in all honesty. I want to be stress free for the first time in 4 years. My mother is very ill, my father is getting older and my brother needs emotional support and I'm unable to offer them anything from here. I've only seen them twice since moving and I don't think I'll be able to see them any time soon given the current state of the world. There have also been some family losses lately (death of my young cousin and a family pet) and all of this is adding up to me cutting my losses and moving back home. Maybe even getting a divorce to make the transition easier even though I very much love my husband.

I don't know anymore. Luckily the medication I'm on numbs me enough so that I don't feel the weight of all of this constantly.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
5,079
Location
England
If you think you would be happier moving back home then maybe it is something you need to seriously consider. I can understand you missing your family too. It is sad your husband does not say much when you tell him how sad you feel. That must be making you feel very alone.
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

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Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
2,486
Location
Planet Mercury
Family and mental health are two very difficult subjects to talk about. But i always find myself taking the first step with my loved ones to bring up my own wants and needs. It’s a hard subject to discuss but can be helpful in a relationship or when thinking of family it can be hard to remain positive. I try to use reassurance when in these situations. Helps with the stress, but sometimes it can be fighting a losing battle.

I find therapy to be helpful.
 
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Proggy

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Romford, Essex
If you think you would be happier moving back home then maybe it is something you need to seriously consider. I can understand you missing your family too. It is sad your husband does not say much when you tell him how sad you feel. That must be making you feel very alone.
He doesn't really know how to respond. He tries to understand but I think he gets upset because he believes my issues are a reflection on him and he thinks he's done a bad job as a husband. Every time I bring up going home he gets quiet and unresponsive. We had a heart to heart the other day and I told him how I'm feeling and he was just very abrupt, "Well what do you wanna do? It's up to you." And I just told him plainly that I want to go home and he just stood up and left. So, yeah, I don't really know what to do.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
5,079
Location
England
It is very difficult. Do you think it would help to write a list of pros and cons? That is what I would do.
 
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