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Struggling

mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
All my life I've been fighting.....what for?

At least before I'd have more better days.....and even some 'highs'. But they've faded away and are very very rare these days.....with no 'highs' at all.

They say that things should get better with age......but that's not true......I'm getting worse......I know I am......and there's nothing anyone can do :cry2:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Jan 4, 2013
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11,051
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England
All my life I've been fighting.....what for?

At least before I'd have more better days.....and even some 'highs'. But they've faded away and are very very rare these days.....with no 'highs' at all.

They say that things should get better with age......but that's not true......I'm getting worse......I know I am......and there's nothing anyone can do :cry2:
Hi Mami,
Your feeling very low, everything will seem bleak. Please don't give up.
I know you've had to fight all your life, it isn't fair I know.
Please keep talking if it helps.
Take care
 
A

Aurelius

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
337
Thank you all :grouphug:

I'm sorry that so many of you have been affected by this.

I also knew people who are no longer here because of this dreadful illness.

I've tried to keep busy and distracted today......but the thoughts are never far away.

Thing is....I now believe them. I no longer want to fight it......as I really believe I want to die.

I know my kids will miss me and grieve......but I'm convinced this won't last and then they'll realise that they are better off without me.

The urges to do something.....I shouldn't......are strong ......and still gaining strength.

I can't see the point in carrying on. :cry2:

We never feel better off when we lose someone we love, especially if they take their own life. Very soon we come to feel that we failed them - a feeling that never goes away. Feeling responsible for what we have done/have not done never leaves us - responsiblity is not like guilt, it cannot be absolved.

At the moment your thoughts are strong and getting stronger, because I think (I might be wrong in this) that you are losing or maybe have lost contact with the love/feelings of love inside. Otherwise the thought of forever losing your children and your children forever losing you would not be so easily swayed. I know this from your earlier posts - which showed just how hard you have fought for your right to be their mother - your right to share in their lives - and their right to share in yours.

I do not know if it is possible to reach this superhuman strength of love that you have shown before. But please, please try to - only this time do it for yourself.

Mami you have a right to love yourself. Do not give into your thoughts. On this occasion let love be stronger than death.
 
mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
I don't love myself......don't think I ever have.

I hate me.....so much.

I crave the love of others........but don't feel it.

My parents never said that they loved me.......my 2 ex husbands did......and they abused me.......all in the name of love.

I have no idea what if feels like to be loved......really loved......and probably never will.

It breaks my heart.

Don't blame others though. After all who would want to love me......when I can't even love myself. :cry2:
 
A

Aurelius

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Messages
337
I don't love myself......don't think I ever have.

I hate me.....so much.

I crave the love of others........but don't feel it.

My parents never said that they loved me.......my 2 ex husbands did......and they abused me.......all in the name of love.

I have no idea what if feels like to be loved......really loved......and probably never will.

It breaks my heart.

Don't blame others though. After all who would want to love me......when I can't even love myself. :cry2:

Some of us have to learn to love ourselves and it is really hard as there are no guides to follow. Can you remember how your children looked at you when they were really, really young? Those moments when their eyes looked into yours - and you were the only person in their world and something inside you melted and smiled. I think that feeling is love.

I cannot remember my parents looking at me that way, or feeling love from them. But I remember my grandmother giving me that look and doing things that made me melt and smile inside. I rediscovered this memory through my children, when they were barely beginning their lives. I am desperately hoping, there are memories from the earliest times in your children's lives that will do the same for you Mami.
 
mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
I don't remember much about the days when my children were young.....any of them. I suffered a lot with depression back then too.

I hate my past.

I don't have many good memories from it......and those I have are tarred......as my ex destroyed everything that was remotely good in my life.

When my 3 youngest were little......it is all one long blur......of abuse, anger.....and tears.

I was very suicidal then as well.

Wish I'd done it right at the beginning.......spared all this pain.....and heartache.

I know it means that neither my kids nor grandkids would have been born.....but maybe that would have been for the best.
 
A

Aurelius

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Joined
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Messages
337
I don't remember much about the days when my children were young.....any of them. I suffered a lot with depression back then too.

I hate my past.

I don't have many good memories from it......and those I have are tarred......as my ex destroyed everything that was remotely good in my life.

When my 3 youngest were little......it is all one long blur......of abuse, anger.....and tears.

I was very suicidal then as well.

Wish I'd done it right at the beginning.......spared all this pain.....and heartache.

I know it means that neither my kids nor grandkids would have been born.....but maybe that would have been for the best.

That is terribly sad - it sounds like my childhood - but not my time as a parent. Have you had much contact with your grandchildren?
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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UK
I keep imagining me dead and what would happen in life without me there.

I'm losing the will to live.
I know my kids will miss me and grieve......but I'm convinced this won't last and then they'll realise that they are better off without me.
Sadly I don't think they would (realise that). Because your brain isn't being truthful with you. When you're depressed your mind tells you lies. Like 'people would be better off without me, I'm such a burden to them, and such a cause of misery and worry, they'd be relieved not to have to put up with me any longer. They might be sad for a while or pretend to be more upset than they are, but deep down they'd be glad it's all over'. I've had these thoughts too, and a large part of me has truly believed them. Both before and since I've had children. But it's our minds deceiving us. It's not true at all. Everything I've read about the aftermath of suicide describes families and friends who never stop feeling the effects. Who always wonder 'what else could I have done? Was it my fault they no longer wanted to live, am I in some way to blame? Why didn't I do x or say y? Why didn't I realise how much pain they were in, how much they were suffering? Why didn't I know that they really would go through with it?' I'm sorry if this comes across as blunt, but it's what really happens after suicide, in my own experience (I lost someone I loved through suicide), and in all I've read or heard about.

And I think it's especially so for children of people who die by suicide. It doesn't matter what age they are, even if they're adult. They always wonder what if? What if there was something I could have done? What if I'd been there, what if I could have stopped them? What if I'd let them know how much they meant to me, and how much I needed and loved them? What if I'd have said the right words, or given the right support? What if I hadn't upset them so much? What if I'd been less trouble? What if I'm in some way responsible, what if I was part of the problem? What if, what if, what if?

It's very hard not to feel guilty after someone you know or love ends their life by suicide. It's very hard not to feel you could have done more.

I don't say any of this to make you feel bad, or make you feel guilty for coming to this conclusion that you truly want to die. I've been there, I've truly believed the same, and I already felt guilty enough, and enough of a failure at life, I didn't need people guilting me further. But if you really believe that it would be better for you to no longer be here, then sometimes one of the few things you can try to hold on to is how it would affect your family, and others who know, like or love you. Your mind will be telling you lies about how no one would be that upset, no one would care, everyone would heave a sigh of relief, or be secretly pleased. But they're lies, convincing ones, but lies. They're not true. It's not how it really would be. People would be devastated. And they'd always remember you and miss you, especially your children. The pain wouldn't be forgotten, or eventually diminish. They wouldn't one day be able to carry on as if you'd never been in their lives. They just wouldn't. I've had to tell myself this when I've felt there was no option other than suicide. I've had to hold on to that when there wasn't much else to keep me here. When my mind has been trying to convince me that everyone would be better off without me here, I had to cling on to that small quiet niggling thought 'what if they're not?'.

I'm sorry if I've gone on. I really hope there'll come a day when you can say 'I'm glad I decided to tough it out, I'm glad I found it in me to keep on keeping on'. I believe that day can come for you. It's so hard when there seems no one to reach out to (professionals I mean), and I'm sorry you've had bad experiences and been let down, but you are reaching out here. And then again, what have you got to lose reaching out to professionals, you already feel as low as a person can feel? You might get some small help, you might find something useful. Even if nothing comes of asking for help, you have shown yourself that you can ask (as does posting here). And that signifies that some small part of you knows you deserve help, and would like help. And it shows some small grain of belief that help could... just might, make some small difference. Enough to keep you going another minute, another hour, another day. And that's all that's needed, to just take each minute, hour, day at a time, to get you through, until it gets less painful, which I believe it can, it has before (even though it might feel like it never will, again it's your depression's lies telling you that).

Keep on with the distracting. I think that's a really good thing to do, as much as you can manage to.

I'll stop now I've said enough, probably too much. I'm sorry if it's a bit much to read. I'll just leave a link here, an article that's helped me, in case you feel up to reading it at some point 13 Lies Your Depression Is Telling You
Many hugs to you Mami :hug: :hug: :hug1: :hug5: xx You are not alone x
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
337
Thank you all :grouphug:

I'm sorry that so many of you have been affected by this.

I also knew people who are no longer here because of this dreadful illness.

I've tried to keep busy and distracted today......but the thoughts are never far away.

Thing is....I now believe them. I no longer want to fight it......as I really believe I want to die.

I know my kids will miss me and grieve......but I'm convinced this won't last and then they'll realise that they are better off without me.

The urges to do something.....I shouldn't......are strong ......and still gaining strength.

I can't see the point in carrying on. :cry2:



Mami have you tried your new meds yet? - You said in an earlier post "She's put me on Aripiprazole instead of Risperidone"

May be she did this because Aripiprazole has a low-to-very low incidence of causing weight gain (Risperidone has a moderate incidence) and it is can work well as an anti-depressant (but not in all cases).

However, Aripiprazole has been linked in some cases with suicidal thoughts (mainly in children, adolescents and young adults). Where this happens, the advice is to contact the GP asap.

Mami, if you are taking Aripiprazole please do this urgently!!
 
mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
Thank you Aurelius and Alice :hug:

I haven't taken the meds.....don't trust them......don't think I should be on them considering the warnings on them.

I did manage to reach out for help today. I called the drop-in centre and had a good chat with a staff member who has been supporting me a lot lately. I'm suppose to call her again tomorrow.

I'm still really struggling with these very dark thoughts......but trying to cling on to the fact it is my son's birthday tomorrow. He will be 21........and is keeping me alive.....for now.
 
Last edited:
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Messages
11,051
Location
England
Hi Mami,
Glad you have some help from the drop-in, happy birthday for your son, hope he has a very special day.
Sorry your still getting intrusive thoughts, we're always here to listen.
Take care
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
337
Thank you Aurelius and Alice :hug:

I haven't taken the meds.....don't trust them......don't think I should be on them considering the warnings on them.

I did manage to reach out for help today. I called the drop-in centre and had a good chat with a staff member who has been supporting me a lot lately. I'm suppose to call her again tomorrow.

I'm still really struggling with these very dark thoughts......but trying to cling on to the fact it is my son's birthday tomorrow. He will be 21........and is keeping me alive.....for now.

Mami, you are doing so brilliantly well in struggling so hard - you truly deserve every bit of assistance and suppport that you can get!!

Do ring the staff member at the drop-in centre tomorrow, if only to hear a friendly and supportive voice.

My very best wishes to you and your son for his 21st birthday. You see you do bring wonderful gifts into the world and moments of joy and wonder to us here on the forum.
 
mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
Thank you Mayflower and Aurelius :hug:

I had to give my word to drop-in staff that I would keep safe and phone her tomorrow.....otherwise she would have phoned CMHT and ask them to come out. I don't want that.......don't trust them.

Urges to do something are strong though.......struggling to focus on tomorrow. :cry2:
 
A

Aurelius

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
337
Thank you Mayflower and Aurelius :hug:

I had to give my word to drop-in staff that I would keep safe and phone her tomorrow.....otherwise she would have phoned CMHT and ask them to come out. I don't want that.......don't trust them.

Urges to do something are strong though.......struggling to focus on tomorrow. :cry2:

Mami, I wish I could do the struggling for you and take the urges away. But all I can do is send you hugs and my hopes that some of the care we feel for you will somehow reach you and help you meet the challenges you are facing tonight.
 
mami5

mami5

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Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,171
Location
North West Wales
Thank you Aurelius, you are very kind :hug:

I wouldn't wish my pain on anyone.

I phoned drop-in this morning.....and spoke to the same staff member. She wanted me to go in and see her tomorrow afternoon to discuss things in person......I've agreed to go after taking son home.

Then this afternoon I had an appointment with a nurse....to be weighed. I go every 2 weeks. She could see I wasn't right. We talked.....and I told her everything. How I feel.....suicidal thoughts.....not eating....the works. She insisted I see a doc.....wouldn't allow me to go until I had. Receptionist phoned CMHT though and I had to wait for duty to call back.....and talk to him. I know him, his son was in school with my son. He's going to get my cc to call me tomorrow and arrange to meet asap. After the call, a doc came to the room.....for a chat. By then I was quite distressed and desperate to go home. I had been there for about an hour and a half.....and just wanted to go. Thankfully she was happy for me to go.

I never wanted to cause such fuss and bother to everyone. :cry2:
 
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