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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

struggling!

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pinkshoelaces

New member
Joined
Jun 4, 2010
Messages
3
Location
essex
ok here goes,:unsure:
i was with my boyfriend for 6 years, we started going out whilst we were at school so we grew up together went through alot, but he was never very good at socialising and sometimes when he rank he got this weird look in his eyes, i hated it it scared me but he never did anything apart from that. then one year on my birthday he hit me (by accident in the dark) he was always paranoid and drink seemed to make it worse. years went past and he lost his grandad his mum went through a bout of depression and he became distant and i found it hard to take his emotions as genuine, (i cant explain it any other way it didnt feel like he was completely there) so i called a break, whilst on the break i met up with a friend who turned out to like me and tried to kiss me, i was shocked and decided to tell my boyfriend explain that it was a silly thing that i really wanted to make us work, but he was drunk more then i realised and he tried to kill me and threatened to kill himself. its left me in absolute pieces, he sought help the next day and has been recieving help he hasnt been diagnosed yet that i know of. im struggling to cope with the fall out, i love him to bits but i just don't know how i could cope with that memory marring all the wonderful times we had together and i feel like i would be scared of it happening again. i feel so lost like i've been left with a massive whole in my life and i just cant get my head round it. he started off begging and clinging on to me and now hes almost completely disappeared, and i dont no whats worse!!
it makes me want to cry and scream and be angry and sad all at the same time, i feel sick when i hear of him talking to other girls because it hurts so much.
I just don't know what to do anymore it feels like every way i turn hurts :cry:
i tried to be there for him but i just broke down every time, so i tried to cut myself off and i break down, i feel so pathetic! :(
 
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wff

Guest
You're coping with a lot. I am sorry for your plight. You must not accept a situation that threatens your life. Be strong. I wish the best for you. I wish the best for your friend; though you may decide to no longer be together.
 
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pinkshoelaces

New member
Joined
Jun 4, 2010
Messages
3
Location
essex
thank you for your reply.
i dont know how we can be, i wish i could. because i wish i could switch it all off. at the moment i yo-yo dramatically between being angry and jealous, then in the next breath im thinking about all the stuff we did together and the things i never got to do and that i love him, im so utterly lost.
 
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wff

Guest
"angry" is understandable. "Jealous" perhaps can be explained by your vision of him and another person in a sweet place. Yet he "tried to kill {you}".

Now for some people in this world "to kill" is something they may be tempted to do. Now I hope that you will not be shocked over this but I do not believe that anyone would kill but for the nature of our human make up. I think that all of us are shocked if occasion arises where we have the thought to kill. Sometimes people wish others dead or express a feeling that they could kill. Of course to kill is wrong, absolutely wrong. I think that humans believe, at a level far below consciousness that: to kill means to make disappear. To make disappear necessitates their appearance elsewhere. This elsewhere, religious people label Heaven. Now we cannot know that Heaven is, but many people have faith that it is so, and I think that the idea is part of our humanness. Some may not understand it or even be conscious of it but I believe it is a key to a solution of many of our problems.

To return to your particular situation. I think that to kill is wrong, and the law does so say. Yet it takes a degree of sophistication to know this and incorporate it in one's life: to hold strongly that one must not kill. Your friend needs to learn this and until he does he cannot be trusted.
 
epic fale boy

epic fale boy

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2010
Messages
13
god i'm sorry but you could be describing me (apart from the long-term relationship bit, i never made it past 6 months yet)...

... seriously though it's scary how similar it is... including, shamefully, the violence (I pray I never hit anyone when I was drunk, I don't think I did... but threatening, implying, giving the attitude of violence to someone who loves you.. knowing you can get away with it because they love you... is just as bad... gotta stop remembering gotta stop remembering.... grrrrr.... will suppress memories at end of post...)

... the only thing I'd say is that my 'excuse' was I was scared of letting go of control of my emotions so I subconsciously pushed partners away - by being a bastard. It was like a game of not caring, but inside there's a pinprick of hugely painful emotion - love for the abused partner and shame at yourself. Which is something to be scared of and run away from the cause of.

All I can say is don't put up with ANY crap - gotta be clear on that one. But also, if you do love him - let him know that within the 'no bullsh*t' fence you're ready to be there. Honestly, now I'm sober and a little more self aware there's nothing would kill me more than my ex miraculously deciding that she might, possibly, in some small tiny part of her... give me a hug. Sh*t. What a twat I am. ...and I bet he's thinking the same thing of himself...

But the golden rule is this: make it clear that ANY crap will result in you walking away (and MEAN IT - you have GOT to be safe and secure if you're ever going to help)... if you're not safe, secure (even when he's a little loopy you shouldn't ever feel threatened..) .. if you are not secure in yourself you'll NEVER be able to help him. And that is HIS responsibility - making you safe no matter what's in his head. If he can't do that, then please for your own sake leave him to his self-created hell.

now... i gotta go clear my head of bad.

good luck tho... whatever way it goes. Remember - Gotta look after yourself before you can help anyone else.

Peace.
 
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pinkshoelaces

New member
Joined
Jun 4, 2010
Messages
3
Location
essex
wff, im sorry im not entirely sure what you are getting at with the whole tried to kill thing. perhaps you could explain it for me?
If though, you are unsure whether that is simply a phrase i used to best describe the situation, it isn't, he strangled me, three times actually and pummeled my side and arm (we were in a car) thankfully i wriggled free and he wernt trying hard enough and was completely off his head.
thank you epic boy (i don't want to call you the fail bit, lol)
I know what you're saying and it does describe how i want to be, i don't see how i can take him back much as it breaks my heart and puts me majorly in a dark place of my own because of whats happened. but i do love him think i probably always will, im not entirely sure how i can be there for him and not hurt him or myself because he says he wants me back and im completely mortified by the whole thing. hence my lose lose situation, i cannot be with him yet im utterly miserable and hurt now i've had to turn my back to some degree.
i really appreciate your comments on it,thank you. i know i must sort myself out because even if i can help him i cant in the mental state im in at the moment. im sorry you had to go clear your head after though!
xx
 
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wff

Guest
Hi pinkshoelaces,

OK, I did understand that your life was threatened. I do think that was a terrible experience for you.

My first paragraph was an attempt to re-present to you what you had written:

... at the moment i yo-yo dramatically between being angry and jealous ...
with the emphasis on the major part of your experience;

... he tried to kill me ...
The reason I wrote that was because I wanted to focus on the main point that you had been in danger, and for you to decide what to do based on the risk. I would not want you harmed, even though I have never met you. I would feel that way for anyone.

My second paragraph was an attempt to explain something about the serious subject of killing. I understand it is a little abstract but I had thought it may help you. If you have a specific question please ask.

Perhaps the main point I wanted to make was that your friend NEEDS to learn. Hence he has "sought help...and has been recieving {sic} help".
 
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