- Apr 6, 2015
Today I was awful. I was supposed to see my psychologist, but no matter how much I wanted to, and tried to convince myself to go, I just couldn't leave my house. I haven't been able to in a long time, and my huge self harm relapse made it even harder, it was so bad it still hurts to move my arms. I feel so disgusting, and ashamed of myself, I was too afraid to call and apologize.. And feeling so awful, I baked, and ate two whole cakes. I put a lock on the pantry and threw the keys into the top part of my wardrobe so hopefully I won't be able to find them easily if I want to binge again, and that meant I didn't binge again all day, which I'm kind of proud of.. but I feel so icky saying that after I've been so dreadful today, just skipping my appointment and then not doing anything about it, and I feel so selfish to have stuffed my face with treats, I don't deserve to treat myself I deserve to kill myself. I'm doing all the wrong things and I feel stuck. Like.. How can I get better if I can't do anything right?
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