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struggling

B

bunny

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
16
Today I was awful. I was supposed to see my psychologist, but no matter how much I wanted to, and tried to convince myself to go, I just couldn't leave my house. I haven't been able to in a long time, and my huge self harm relapse made it even harder, it was so bad it still hurts to move my arms. I feel so disgusting, and ashamed of myself, I was too afraid to call and apologize.. And feeling so awful, I baked, and ate two whole cakes. I put a lock on the pantry and threw the keys into the top part of my wardrobe so hopefully I won't be able to find them easily if I want to binge again, and that meant I didn't binge again all day, which I'm kind of proud of.. but I feel so icky saying that after I've been so dreadful today, just skipping my appointment and then not doing anything about it, and I feel so selfish to have stuffed my face with treats, I don't deserve to treat myself I deserve to kill myself. I'm doing all the wrong things and I feel stuck. Like.. How can I get better if I can't do anything right?
 
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katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Oh, honey. You're being so, so hard on yourself. I'm absolutely sure that mental health professionals fully understand that, sometimes, their patients are unable to make appointments; it's a common symptom of poor mental health! You're feeling guilty because you haven't rang them to explain, but there's still time for that. Please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure there's something that can be done.

:hug1:
 
catkin

catkin

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 21, 2011
Messages
5,170
Location
in a bit of a ravel
Bunny, I feel so similar to you xx it is so hard with food and bingeing. I've baked today and then binged, the cakes I baked are for someone else, I'm helping them out, and it gives me more work to make them again and I'm in pain when I stand (weight). Yet I couldn't resist. I felt compelled to eat and eat and eat, barely aware of what I was doing, ending up feeling worse, guilty, self loathing and sick. I HATE this.
But.... I don't feel, and doubt you do,?, that this was treating myself?
It was cake, mmm, cake, how lovely, how lucky to be able to stuff ourselves with cake?...... NO, NO. No pleasure, no treat, it's the awful insidious thing about bingeing, an eating disorder that is largely ignored, eating when compelled to, when it bears no relationship to hunger or physical need, when it feeds self hate and pain. We can't survive without food, we can't abstain, it is readily available and cheap here.
Sorry for ranting. Just want to say that I feel very much for you, and that you aren't alone in how you feel. I avoided an appt this week too as I couldn't face admitting how badly I've binged.
Th e bingeing is a symptom, its not greed, its not lack of control, its a desperate need that isn't being met.
Try be kind to yourself, you deserve to be your own friend.
Hope this is OK to write xx
 
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