Struggling with obsessions and bad habits

C

CEVRAM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
139
Location
Portugal
#1
Hello everyone, one of my addictions has been getting completely out of control and its not only embarassing and hard to talk about as its also making me increasingly depressed since I'm unable to moderate the frequency in which I do it and end up feeling guilty and frustrated after each one of those ocurrences. The urge becomes too strong to resist after a while and unfortunately taking my mind away from it has become a major challenge.

Even though its one of the most natural things one can do, it shouldn't be done too often yet here I am, constantly losing control and falling for its curse, then hating myself for doing so, its a never ending cycle. I'm cringing while writting this, just feels so wrong but I have to expose it somewhere because I'm aware this happens to other people as well and I really, really want to regain back control and kill this addiction once and for all.

So the issue here is an excessive urge to masturbate that can come several times in a day and its very hard to fight against, I know its ridiculous but the impact this is having on me is no laughing matter, my self esteem and mood today have plummet considerably and I feel psychologicaly drained and angered at myself. Can't believe I've let my life get this shallow and meaningless that I end up developing such dumb and pointless habits. It might be useful to point out that I am an aromantic asexual so there is no desire in me to engage in any kind of amorous relationships with another individual yet I somehow end up with this addiction.

I have no social life apart from some chatting while at the gym and neither do I have a job or any useful occupations. I have barely any interests and even the things that interest me get boring after a while, real enjoyment is a rare.

I'm messing up the years of my youth while stuck in this mental prison. Everywhere I go, I see people with a purpose, going on with their lives and here I am, chained to stupid habits and obsessions, unable to pull myself upwards and break the ice, often feeling unhappy but at the same time not having the willpower to search for happiness and well being, everything feels scripted and dull, I only find confort in doing the same things over and over again and playing it safe, its my shielding bubble. There is no happiness inside it but prevents my depression and anxiety from hurting me even further. I can't deal with the responsabilities of adult life but no one wants to hear me say that, it shows weakness and lack of maturity.

I dont know what else to say right now, my mind feels restless and overwhelmed. I brought myself to this forum in hopes that I could be better understood than here, outside the online world. Talking about my issues and struggles to the people around me has become very frustrating, they hear but they dont listen, most of them perhaps simply dont get the concept of depression and anxiety and how debilitating they can be even towards circunstances and situations people perceive as trivial and basic.
 
G

George10111

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2017
Messages
273
#2
Some of the things you listed sounded exactly like me. Sorry if this isn't the answer you were seeking but I'll do my best.

I have a lot of weird obsessions that nobody would understand and I feel like I'm trapped in life and stuck. I know how it feels to not be able to deal with the responsibilities of adult life. Man that's hard. Adult life is overwhelming. I know what it feels like to have no direction and no purpose and to feel hopeless. I have about a quarter of the sex drive I used to. and have lost a lot of motivation.

LIfe just isn't the same as it once was. Things were better. But wait I thought the future was supposed to be better then the past. Sound familiar? Things just keep getting worse. I keep having to settle for less and less, trading joy for grief, feeling like I have two left sides of everything, or feeling lack of control and security.
 
C

CEVRAM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
139
Location
Portugal
#3
I can totally relate to pretty much everything you said there, that's just the way I'm feeling about my own life right now. I dont understand why is it so hard for me to look after my future, I'm always thinking on the present and past but rarely ever think about what's to come up ahead.

I'm so chained to events in the past which had a negative impact on me that I'm unable to muster the motivation and determination in order to do whatever is necessary to get myself out of this very frustrating and depressing situation. I keep obsessing about the things I dont have and want to possess instead of finding some solace within the things I do have because obviously not everything is bad, far from it still.

Problem is that something holding great power inside my mind is blind towards that fact resulting in this enhanced ability to perceive and process the bad stuff and dismiss most of what is good either as not good enough or as trivial. So I've been digesting the thought of having no real friends and capabilities for a while. I see myself as someone deprived of any appealing qualities as well as a guy with no confidence or motivation to face new situations and challenges hence why I have no social or professional life.

No matter how many chats I have with others in a day, my loneliness never fades away. I feel as if I'm just feeding on the scraps of people's spare time and these interactions simply happen out of circunstance and timing like at the gym for example, none of the people I talk with there goes to that place to spend time with me, just happens that we follow similar schedules and so the rest unfolds naturally. We are highly social creatures afterall so its no surprise that chit chats will happen regardless of how intimate we feel towards someone, especially if we are within a space of shared interests, in my case, its the gym and working out.

But it goes a long way between having a chit chat partner and having a close friend. Truth be said though, if we aren't friends with ourselves, chances are that we wont have great success with finding friendships elsewhere since such low self esteem and pessimistic approach to life are hardly appealing to anyone. Its turning me into a narcissist since I can hardly look beyond what's happening around me but not the kind of narcissist who has a sense of superiority, will brag a lot and always do what they can to look good in the eyes of others, its quite the opposite for me, I will inevitably make myself look bad most of the time and feel diminished.
 
G

George10111

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2017
Messages
273
#4
I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm sorry you're struggling. It feels like life gives us way more then we can handle. In crises I have to stay positive. Its like a survival instinct for me, sink or swim.

I share your same interest in working out. I love to run and hike but I don't really hit the weights. Keep at it. Its good for you and it helps a lot.
 
C

CEVRAM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
139
Location
Portugal
#6
Thank you for all your support. Just like you said, life can get overwhelming at times and that's how its being for me at this point of time. I dont know how to handle the pressure and responsabilities adult life puts on us so I keep hiding from them, daydreaming, soaking up fictional realms and concepts, avoiding anything that might remind me of how big of a failure and disappointment I'm being to those who invested their hopes in me and to myself as well.

I dont find the real world that interesting to be honest, my physical body might be stuck here but my mind is usually elsewhere. We all have some fantasies and I'm no exception, perhaps I have too many or am letting them assume a bigger role than they should have in my daily life. But these fantasies are like a candle in a dark room, keeping the monsters hidden amongst the darkness at bay, they are my strongest shielding mechanism against these demons inside my mind and I've grown very attached to them.

Going back to what you said above, physical exercise is definitely a great way to keep the body and mind sane. I'm glad to be doing it despite my really low motivation levels since I dont seem to have the ability to put half the effort I invest in working out towards any other activity.
 
G

George10111

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2017
Messages
273
#7
That's interesting I have always had a fantasy type imaginary world too. Its not too far out from reality but in my head, I'm pretending to be another person, living a different life and when bad things happen to me in real life I make worse things happen to x character. I've imagined all kinds of crazy real life type of scenarios too, not too much science fiction, me just touting off what life could've been like.
 
C

CEVRAM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
139
Location
Portugal
#8
That's really impressive, did you ever considered writting about the events happening in that fictional world of yours? Seems like it could give a great story. My own daydreaming is nowhere near that deep, I simply create random situations on my head and they dont usually follow any detailed plots.

Sometimes the ideas will show up all of a sudden, without any previous planning. I dont really feel confortable sharing some of the stuff I tend to daydream about but a part of that revolves around what I perceive as funny and plain ridiculous. There is also the part which drives one of my addictions that I've mentioned here previously...yeah, that exactly. We all have those at some point although its something one tends to prefer keeping in secrecy in order to avoid great embarassment or judgement from others.
 

Similar threads