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Struggling with my relationship

Hell0Cat

Hell0Cat

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Germany
Hi everyone so I don't know if that really belongs here but I'll just get started. If there are any grammatical mistakes I apologise but I really need someone to talk about it. This might TRIGGER so please be aware of that..

I've never experienced real love. When I was young my mother abused me and my siblings physically, she beat us kicked us while we were crying and begging her to stop. This went on for almost 7 years until we stood up against her and it actually helped but the trust was broken forever. Another significant experience for me was when my older brother abused me sexual. I was horrified that he would do it again and told my mother about it, but she did NOTHING. Even worse, when I started acting distant and cold towards that brother, she told me I was ruining the family with that behaviour. I had to live with that man for almost 5 years until he finally moved out. In those years I felt like I didn't matter at all. I even questioned myself, wondering if I was wrong, even tho I KNEW I didn't do anything at all. When he moved out it was a relief but I was still threatened by him, because he visited almost every weekend. By now, I fortunately live far from my home country and don't have any contact with my brother and really rare contact with my parents.

With all those experiences it was really hard for me to find any friends or even boyfriends. I was afraid of being touched by strangers, I didn't want to be close to anyone because I feared that they might wanna hurt me like my family did. It took me years to open up to those who are now my closest friends and even today I sometimes feel unworthy of their friendship.

Anyway let me tell you something about my ex boyfriend. He was the first man I fell in love with after all that happened. I showed him my deepest fears, I told him my darkest secrets and I thought this was real love, this was how it's supposed to be. But I got triggered really hard by small things, I got anxious, jealous, angry and desperate, I cried and yelled at him, thought that he would cheat on me with someone better than me. I turned into a massive asshole, but I couldn't control myself at that state of mind. The relationship lasted for 2 years and most of the time I was completely sane and aware of my behaviour, but every now and than I had those episodes where I'd forget who I was.
The relationship ended because I found out that he was texting other girls for almost a year, and it wasn't the normal kind of flirtatious text: first of all he texted 12 year old girls (at that point he was 23), and he got very vert intimate with them like... He sent pictures of him yerking off to pictures of those girls. And I was really triggered my that, because of what happened to me when I was young. Obviously I broke up immediately, but I wanted to save everyone, the girls, but also my ex boyfriend because I thought he had troubles he couldn't deal alone with. After two month where I still had contact with my ex I realised I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save the girls, I couldn't make my ex go to therapy, I was no one with no impact. It ripped me apart. I started harming myself, I felt guilty for not being able to do anything, even tho I did everything I could by telling people close to my ex about what happened, but I always felt like I should have done more. For more than a year those thoughts haunted me every second, every night.

Then a year ago I met a boy who is now my boyfriend. On first sight we had a deep connection and miraculously I didn't feel any mistrust or anxiety. We started dating and soon became a couple. The first 4 month passed without any troubles, we didn't fight, nor did I have any episodes. However after we moved together it slowly started. I started having those episodes, I started yelling at him, calling him out for things he never did, thought he would cheat on me, got jealous of other women... Just like the episodes I had in my other relationship. And I still can't control myself..

I don't want to ruin this relationship. I know I can trust him. But what I said in those episodes hurt him so much. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lose him. But I can't figure out how to control myself. I even started therapy but it always feels like the therapist wants to help me but doesn't understand my struggle.

If someone knows my struggle or knows how to control myself, please help me..
 
D

dwade

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Leicester
Hi everyone so I don't know if that really belongs here but I'll just get started. If there are any grammatical mistakes I apologise but I really need someone to talk about it. This might TRIGGER so please be aware of that..

I've never experienced real love. When I was young my mother abused me and my siblings physically, she beat us kicked us while we were crying and begging her to stop. This went on for almost 7 years until we stood up against her and it actually helped but the trust was broken forever. Another significant experience for me was when my older brother abused me sexual. I was horrified that he would do it again and told my mother about it, but she did NOTHING. Even worse, when I started acting distant and cold towards that brother, she told me I was ruining the family with that behaviour. I had to live with that man for almost 5 years until he finally moved out. In those years I felt like I didn't matter at all. I even questioned myself, wondering if I was wrong, even tho I KNEW I didn't do anything at all. When he moved out it was a relief but I was still threatened by him, because he visited almost every weekend. By now, I fortunately live far from my home country and don't have any contact with my brother and really rare contact with my parents.

With all those experiences it was really hard for me to find any friends or even boyfriends. I was afraid of being touched by strangers, I didn't want to be close to anyone because I feared that they might wanna hurt me like my family did. It took me years to open up to those who are now my closest friends and even today I sometimes feel unworthy of their friendship.

Anyway let me tell you something about my ex boyfriend. He was the first man I fell in love with after all that happened. I showed him my deepest fears, I told him my darkest secrets and I thought this was real love, this was how it's supposed to be. But I got triggered really hard by small things, I got anxious, jealous, angry and desperate, I cried and yelled at him, thought that he would cheat on me with someone better than me. I turned into a massive asshole, but I couldn't control myself at that state of mind. The relationship lasted for 2 years and most of the time I was completely sane and aware of my behaviour, but every now and than I had those episodes where I'd forget who I was.
The relationship ended because I found out that he was texting other girls for almost a year, and it wasn't the normal kind of flirtatious text: first of all he texted 12 year old girls (at that point he was 23), and he got very vert intimate with them like... He sent pictures of him yerking off to pictures of those girls. And I was really triggered my that, because of what happened to me when I was young. Obviously I broke up immediately, but I wanted to save everyone, the girls, but also my ex boyfriend because I thought he had troubles he couldn't deal alone with. After two month where I still had contact with my ex I realised I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save the girls, I couldn't make my ex go to therapy, I was no one with no impact. It ripped me apart. I started harming myself, I felt guilty for not being able to do anything, even tho I did everything I could by telling people close to my ex about what happened, but I always felt like I should have done more. For more than a year those thoughts haunted me every second, every night.

Then a year ago I met a boy who is now my boyfriend. On first sight we had a deep connection and miraculously I didn't feel any mistrust or anxiety. We started dating and soon became a couple. The first 4 month passed without any troubles, we didn't fight, nor did I have any episodes. However after we moved together it slowly started. I started having those episodes, I started yelling at him, calling him out for things he never did, thought he would cheat on me, got jealous of other women... Just like the episodes I had in my other relationship. And I still can't control myself..

I don't want to ruin this relationship. I know I can trust him. But what I said in those episodes hurt him so much. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lose him. But I can't figure out how to control myself. I even started therapy but it always feels like the therapist wants to help me but doesn't understand my struggle.

If someone knows my struggle or knows how to control myself, please help me..
Im in the exact same boat as you! im 32 and have only just been diagnosed with bpd 2 months ago, and have to wait at least 6 months for treatment. Ive been with my current partner for 2 years now and have had many failed relationships before him, where i believed they lied, didnt care and cheated, only now have i just figured out it wasnt them it was me or rather the illness.

Luckily for me my partner is willing to learn, as much as he can in order to support me and cope himself, which right now he is finding it hard to cope.

i cant offer too much info on how you can cope and it would be unfair for me to try as i am still learning myself, but one thing i have learnt is that it isnt a good idea for your partner to entertain an episode. i told my partner straight if it seems illogical it probably is and to remove himself from the situation by all means, whether that means him leaving until you calm down, or in my case blocking me on the phone, from what ive learnt is healthy boundaries are needed.

Im so sorry you have and are still suffering at the hands of someone you are supposed to trust, i myself was abused by a family member, and i grew up believing it didnt affect me, but subconsciously it obviously does.
 
D

Dororih

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
36
Location
Singapore
I too was abused growing up and life in my family was never normal even when I was in my mid-twenties. In my country, we live with our parents until we get married (which I am not). Hence, my family env has pretty much stayed the same despite me being already in my late 20s. My dad passed away 1+ years ago and I finally stopped pretending like nothing is wrong/dissociating. All this while I stayed "tough" and became an overachiever in some ways but on the inside I was cracking and broken.

But now that he has passed, I have started to seek true happiness and more importantly, normalcy (what's the point of overachieving when you can't even do normal things?). The reality of what kind of person I've become is crashing down on me and I can no longer hide behind my achievements to feel normal. I feel guilt, judgment and exhaustion. Despite everything I've worked for in my career, grades etc., I find myself now unable to get out of bed on some days.

The Saturday before my dad passed he told me "I'm proud of you for achieving all that you did despite my abuse of you." I have chosen to forgive him. But I am starting to realize that my choice to forgive him has not healed me yet, and I'm really hoping therapy helps.

My first serious relationship was also a toxic one. My bf told me girls were offering him blowjobs (when he actually texted them first), he was violent towards me, he compared me to other girls, said things to hurt me.. He destroyed the trust/normalcy I had left from my broken childhood.

Personally I find myself experiencing many symptoms of BDP (Borderline Personality). Knowing what I am suffering from really helps as I start to feel more in control, I study myself like a textbook and learn to get the kind of help I need.
 
Hell0Cat

Hell0Cat

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Germany
Im in the exact same boat as you! im 32 and have only just been diagnosed with bpd 2 months ago, and have to wait at least 6 months for treatment. Ive been with my current partner for 2 years now and have had many failed relationships before him, where i believed they lied, didnt care and cheated, only now have i just figured out it wasnt them it was me or rather the illness.

Luckily for me my partner is willing to learn, as much as he can in order to support me and cope himself, which right now he is finding it hard to cope.

i cant offer too much info on how you can cope and it would be unfair for me to try as i am still learning myself, but one thing i have learnt is that it isnt a good idea for your partner to entertain an episode. i told my partner straight if it seems illogical it probably is and to remove himself from the situation by all means, whether that means him leaving until you calm down, or in my case blocking me on the phone, from what ive learnt is healthy boundaries are needed.

Im so sorry you have and are still suffering at the hands of someone you are supposed to trust, i myself was abused by a family member, and i grew up believing it didnt affect me, but subconsciously it obviously does.

I also tell my partner he should remove himself from the situation, I even try to leave him alone (my first impulse is to run away and leave the house) but obviously this is no solution. Also he won't leave me alone because of the fear I might harm myself again. There's a lot of broken trust between us because of my behaviour, and sometimes I wonder if we will ever be able to have a perfectly normal relationship. I mean, he's trying really hard, and I am trying hard (by going to therapy, etc) but I often wish he wouldn't overreact on little things. He's always trying to read the signs and to intervene before something 'happens' but I get easyly triggered by it and it's stressing me because I always feel like I need to hide all feelings in order for him to not be worried. I feel so.. Observed sometimes. And I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm not good at hiding my feelings. There's a lot of work for us to do and it often feels so impossible..
 
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