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Struggling with life

R

RosieBell

New member
Joined
Nov 24, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Ireland
Hi all
Im coming to this forum after a tough year.
I know it could definitely be worse and so I struggle not only with the hard things that have happened but also with self judgement that I’m not coping well and that I have so much to be grateful for, but still feel I’m living in a dark cloud.

The start of this year I had it all. I have a beautiful toddler, a good husband and agood career. I was pregnant and expecting my second child after a smooth pregnancy with my son a couple of years prior. Mid30s and doing great.
Then my world went upside down when I found out at a routine scan that my baby had died half way through my pregnancy.
I had to go into labour and delivered a beautiful little boy a couple of days later.
To say it was devastating is an understatement. It rocked my world and everything I knew was true before suddenly became a lie.
Post mortem found no cause for my baby’s death. He was perfect. A tough pill to swallow. Was it something I did? Did I overdo it? Underdo it? Lie on my back too much? What did I do to cause this? The endless blame and guilt and burden of responsibility that I was only able to deliver death and it life, while all around me friends and family are having healthy babies.
I was making it through that time as hard as it was, but then unfortunately a few months later went on to have a miscarriage a week after finding out I was pregnant again. It hit me like a ton of bricks and sent me into a spiral of anxiety and fear. My body had failed me again and I have no faith in myself. I feel so inadequate and useless. I live everyday for my living son and give as much as I can, trying to be a good mother but know I could be doing more, being more present, cherishing the life of my child that’s here instead of living in grief over those that aren’t.
I find myself worrying and overthinking everything. Every niggle and I now think I have cancer. I think about death a lot and imagine my son dying and how that would feel to the point that it feels so real.
I’ve been off work the past couple of months which just feeds into my feeling of being inadequate. I can’t cope and don’t want to suffer this pain. I just want to feel light again, free again. Thanks to anyone who has read this.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
16,887
Location
England
Hi Rosie,
I'm ever so very sorry for your loss, please don't blame yourself.
It really wasn't anything you did. Do you have much support? I.e. Family/friends counsellor, GP etc.
Cruise are excellent for bereavement advice and support.
I hope things get easier for you very soon.
Have you been to your GP for an assessment? Tried any treatments?
Your health visitor could help to.
Loads of hugs
We're here to listen to.
 
R

RosieBell

New member
Joined
Nov 24, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Ireland
Thank you for your reply.
I have been going to counselling which does help to
Some extent. My GP prescribed me medication for 2 weeks to see if a short acting type would help my anxiety but I haven’t really wanted to take it. I found it made me feel drowsy and I would rather try to cope with other means.
I try so hard to do all the things I’m supposed to. I do yoga every day, try to meditate, try to be kind to myself etc.
It just feels so hard and the time of year and dark weather isn’t helping. I’m going back to work soon and just feel too empty and ‘meh’ but I know I need to return.
It’s just been a hard year and feel it’s just changed everything and my life is so different now. I feel so aware of how badly things can go wrong, therefore convince myself something else really bad is going to happen and find it hard to believe why it wouldn’t. Counselling does help with that.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
16,887
Location
England
Hi,
The side effects can lesson, you could ask your GP to lower the dose or if they can prescribe something else.
Glad the counselling helps.
You are incredibly brave I think sharing your story etc.
Hugs
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
Hello Rosie. Welcome to the forum. I am so so sorry you lost your baby. What a terrible, tragic experience. I can only imagine the emotional pain you are in. I think it is important to never blame yourself for what happened. You did not do anything wrong. I think you need to be kind and gentle with yourself. It is good to hear you are talking to a counsellor. I think that is important.
 

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