Struggling with Independence?

elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#1
Hey everyone, me again. So lately things have been relatively okay mental health-wise, however, I feel like I'm reaching the point of my life now where I finally want to be more independent and finally start living. I'm 20 years old and I turn 21 in August this year, so not long away. However, I'm currently at a bit of a crossroads with my parents. They've been telling me for the longest time that I need to be more independent and start doing things for myself, however, they don't really allow that to actually happen. Lately, my mum in particular has been very critical of what I wear, how I do my makeup etc, and also the way I speak. My mum is known to take things extremely personally and over-analyses absolutely everything I say, especially to other people. For example, if I'm speaking to one of my friends in front of her, she will immediately jump on me afterwards and tell me the 20 different things I said wrong and what I should have said instead. Whenever I'm talking to a friend or another relative, my mum feels the need to take over, almost as if she thinks I'm incapable of speaking for myself? No one has ever told me that I'm rude or aggressive, but my mum seems to think that I am? It makes me feel like she needs to hold my hand in social situations and then wonders why I struggle to use public transport, phone the doctors etc.

Then there's my appearance. Despite being fairly thin, my chest is quite a bit larger, which has it's whole list of problems. The main issue is the fact that if I wear something even slightly low-cut, my mum will criticise, and expects me to completely cover it up. She also comments on the paleness of my skin as well, hence why I'm now afraid to wear white, pale grey etc due to fear of looking bad. I find that I'm dressing in really frumpy clothes that a 20 year old wouldn't typically wear, and it's making me feel worse about myself because I feel like I can't be myself. I understand that my parents are trying to look out for me, and obviously they don't want to see their daughter dressing all sexy, but the clothes I put on aren't even that bad? I also recently started drawing on my eyebrows as the last time I went to get them threaded the lady thinned them out way too much so now I fill them in a bit more. They're not overly thick or even really that noticeable, but my mum has made about 20 comments about how much she doesn't like them within the last week alone! Hearing her opinion once was enough, let alone 20 more times. Also, she'll criticise my pale skin, and then when I say I want to do sunbeds/spray tan, she's against that too? I just feel like I can't win with her sometimes.

My parents also tend to think that they're teenagers sometimes. They feel the need to hang out with me and my friends and continuously embarrass me. They get so drunk and then say the most crude, inappropriate things that I, their daughter, really don't want to be hearing. My friends all find it funny, but I really don't. I've even brought my brother along to one of these gatherings before so that I wouldn't be facing the embarrassment alone. Whenever I've tried speaking to them about this, their argument is always the same "but they're our friends too!" "we're having a good time!" etc etc. I just feel like I don't get any freedom from them sometimes, almost like they're suffocating me constantly with their presence. They get offended by every comment I make no matter how polite or nice it is. They expect me to do everything for myself, but then won't let me. They never really seem to consider my feelings, they only seem to care about their own stress and how the situation affects them. All I really want is for them to just back off a little bit so that maybe I can finally start living for myself?

Anyway, I know this was really long and ranty, and I greatly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read. If anyone has any advice, please let me know, comments are appreciated. Thank you x
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#2
No wonder you want independence, although it may not seem like it, this is very toxic and even abusive behaviour from your parents. You definitely need to start living your way, not hers. This cycle won't break unless you put up your own boundaries or move out and live with a friend if that's possible. I mean you are 20 now, this type of stuff should have stopped when you were still a kid, your mum sounds like a narcissist trying to live through you
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#3
No wonder you want independence, although it may not seem like it, this is very toxic and even abusive behaviour from your parents. You definitely need to start living your way, not hers. This cycle won't break unless you put up your own boundaries or move out and live with a friend if that's possible. I mean you are 20 now, this type of stuff should have stopped when you were still a kid, your mum sounds like a narcissist trying to live through you
Hi there,

Thank you so much for responding. Personally I don't think they mean anything by it; nine times out of ten they don't even realise they're doing it, which can definitely be frustrating for me. They can both be a bit bad tempered which is why I tend not to talk to them about it much because it just causes an argument. Despite all that I've said they do try their best, I just don't think they can quite see my point of view sometimes. However, they are open to change, on occasion. If I manage to get them in the perfect mood to talk about an issue I'm having, sometimes they will listen and understand where I'm coming from. For example, there's a particular dinner they've been giving me my whole life which I absolutely cannot stand, it makes me feel ill physically. When they told me we were having it the other day I straight up refused, and told them that I'm 20 years old now and that I won't be eating food that makes me feel sick. Although they were angry at first they eventually understood my points. Whenever I do tend to argue with my parents they don't particularly like the fact that I argue a pretty good case, which can cause them to back down. I guess in some ways they're just kind of old-fashioned. But thank you, it's nice to have someone on my side for a change x
 
Amorerose

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#4
I agree that it sounds emotionally abusive. My mom also puts me down every chance she gets and comments on my clothing choices but I still wear whatever I want and ignore her. If I try to talk to her, it also ends into an argument. It's a toxic cycle. And I am sorry to say but they know what they are saying to you and they do mean it. People don't just say hurtful things and excuse themselves. They do it to hurt you, (if it's ongoing) so that you feel less powerful and incapable of yourself in the end.

I am almost 24, it doesn't get better if you stay. You should look into finding a job, if you don't have one already.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#5
I agree that it sounds emotionally abusive. My mom also puts me down every chance she gets and comments on my clothing choices but I still wear whatever I want and ignore her. If I try to talk to her, it also ends into an argument. It's a toxic cycle. And I am sorry to say but they know what they are saying to you and they do mean it. People don't just say hurtful things and excuse themselves. They do it to hurt you, (if it's ongoing) so that you feel less powerful and incapable of yourself in the end.

I am almost 24, it doesn't get better if you stay. You should look into finding a job, if you don't have one already.
Hi there, I currently work full time in an office job, which in itself can be very draining at times. I honestly don't think they're abusive or bad people I think they're just so wrapped up in their own reality that they sometimes don't realise that what they do hurts. A few friends of mine have invited me to Pride tomorrow in London, which I was really looking forward to doing until my parents listed about 20 reasons why I shouldn't go which has really put me off. I just feel like they want me to be independent but also struggle with the idea of it, which I think is why I'm so indecisive and always rely on others to make choices for me, even when I don't realise. I don't want to keep depending on them all the time but at the same time it's hard when they're being critical. Granted, with this whole London thing, I have to make my own way there and my parents are worried I'll get lost or find it too daunting, which I completely understand, but at the same time I just think if I never try I'll never know? Thank you for your advice I'll definitely take it into consideration. x
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#7
You should go if you think it sounds fun.
Hey just letting you know I did decide to go in the end and really enjoyed myself! However one of my friend's friends had a go at me for accidentally splashing her with a tiny bit of drink, which kind of put a damper on things. She was really rude to me and made me feel awkward but everyone sided with me thankfully. Overall it was a good day though! My mum was also glad I had a good day and admitted that she was just shocked that I wanted to go.
 
Amorerose

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#8
aw that's great. It all turned out well in the end. :) Sorry about that other friend though, they sound dramatic. lol
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#9
aw that's great. It all turned out well in the end. :) Sorry about that other friend though, they sound dramatic. lol
Thank you :) Yeah I'd only known this person for about ten minutes! I always seem to attract these sorts of people aha xx
 
HauntedWitch

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#10
They get offended by every comment I make no matter how polite or nice it is. They expect me to do everything for myself, but then won't let me. They never really seem to consider my feelings, they only seem to care about their own stress and how the situation affects them
Have you read any books or articles on codependency? Just going by your post, it looks as if you would find more info. on that subject and on setting proper boundaries to be helpful. You are at a sort of crossroads in life where it's time to leave the family household and all the control associated with that behind and establish your own place in the world. Best of luck to you!
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#11
Have you read any books or articles on codependency? Just going by your post, it looks as if you would find more info. on that subject and on setting proper boundaries to be helpful. You are at a sort of crossroads in life where it's time to leave the family household and all the control associated with that behind and establish your own place in the world. Best of luck to you!
Hi there,

I've been wanting to read up more on independence and how to move past this current stage of my life. I feel as though I'm stuck in the inbetween stage of my life; where I want to be more independent but I do still rely on my parents quite a bit. However, I feel like I rely on my parents because they've always had a hold over me and my brother to some extend and find it hard to let go as we get older. Thank you so much, I'll definitely take your advice into consideration :)
 

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