Struggling with BPD and relationship

A

Amansmi21

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Joined
Jun 5, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Canada
#1
a little background, I was diagnosed with BPD, major depression and anxiety 3 years ago now. My BPD comes from childhood trauma, my father was a horrible alcoholic and my mother was neglectful of me. (Major abandonment issues) I did some counseling and took citalopram for my depression and Ativan for my anxiety. I quit cold turkey about a year ago now. I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and I’m struggling. I love him very much and he is extremely kind and patient with me, and he tries to help me as much as possible. I have a hard time with communication, whenever I feel my symptoms coming on I begin to split and withdrawal myself because I don’t want him to see those ugly sides of me, sometimes I just want to let it all out but then that makes me become a toxic person. I find myself to be emotionally manipulative a times and I also suffer from jealousy (I’ve been cheated on and lied to by almost every bf I’ve had) I try not to act on these impulses but I feel like I have no control over what I say or do. So I bottle everything up and tell myself that my feelings are wrong and they make me a bad person. And a lot of the time I genuinely do feel like a bad person and that he deserves better than me. He gets upset with me when I don’t tell him how I’m feeling but a lot of the time I just don’t know how to feel or what to do or say. Sometimes I just feel numb. I try to regulate myself and I thought I’ve been doing better but last night my boyfriend got upset with me because he said I’ve been distant the past 2 weeks, this caused me to have anxiety and feel horrible about myself because I genuinely thought I was doing better and it just really hurt my feelings that he doesn’t think I am. I need to go back to therapy and I need to get back on my meds, I know that. But I have absolutely 0 motivation to do anything. I feel so lost right now, I’m not sure what to do with myself.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
367
Location
Norfolk
#2
a little background, I was diagnosed with BPD, major depression and anxiety 3 years ago now. My BPD comes from childhood trauma, my father was a horrible alcoholic and my mother was neglectful of me. (Major abandonment issues) I did some counseling and took citalopram for my depression and Ativan for my anxiety. I quit cold turkey about a year ago now. I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and I’m struggling. I love him very much and he is extremely kind and patient with me, and he tries to help me as much as possible. I have a hard time with communication, whenever I feel my symptoms coming on I begin to split and withdrawal myself because I don’t want him to see those ugly sides of me, sometimes I just want to let it all out but then that makes me become a toxic person. I find myself to be emotionally manipulative a times and I also suffer from jealousy (I’ve been cheated on and lied to by almost every bf I’ve had) I try not to act on these impulses but I feel like I have no control over what I say or do. So I bottle everything up and tell myself that my feelings are wrong and they make me a bad person. And a lot of the time I genuinely do feel like a bad person and that he deserves better than me. He gets upset with me when I don’t tell him how I’m feeling but a lot of the time I just don’t know how to feel or what to do or say. Sometimes I just feel numb. I try to regulate myself and I thought I’ve been doing better but last night my boyfriend got upset with me because he said I’ve been distant the past 2 weeks, this caused me to have anxiety and feel horrible about myself because I genuinely thought I was doing better and it just really hurt my feelings that he doesn’t think I am. I need to go back to therapy and I need to get back on my meds, I know that. But I have absolutely 0 motivation to do anything. I feel so lost right now, I’m not sure what to do with myself.
I suggest you take a few deep breaths and take stock of your situation. Not what’s happened in the past, not what’s going to happen in the future. Just focus on where you are, and your relationship is at this very moment. Imo you cannot recover on your own from this illness. However, you can gain clarity and insight through self help books, such as Mindfulness for BPD by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. These would help you feel better and reduce your suffering. Also, be aware there are self help books for your partner for how to live with someone who suffers from BPD. He sounds supportive so you both might become happier as he will learn how not to trigger your emotions.
If you can, I’d go back on medication at least until you can get some therapy. Try to get yourself balanced so you can begin to move forward. :hug:
 
A

Amansmi21

New member
Joined
Jun 5, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Canada
#3
Thank you, it’s a very deliberating illness, and the stigma around it doesn’t help. But my boyfriend and I are both very optimistic that it can be beat. I will definitely check out that book, and get in to see a doctor asap. Thanks again for the reply. :)
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
367
Location
Norfolk
#4
Thank you, it’s a very deliberating illness, and the stigma around it doesn’t help. But my boyfriend and I are both very optimistic that it can be beat. I will definitely check out that book, and get in to see a doctor asap. Thanks again for the reply. :)
You sound a lovely couple. Just keep in your mind the vast majority of people recover and lead fulfilling lives! That book also comes in audio so you could both listen at the same time if so inclined. Always remember it’s an illness. Fuck the stigma just focus on getting better and being happy with your partner. Good luck.
 

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