- Jun 5, 2019
a little background, I was diagnosed with BPD, major depression and anxiety 3 years ago now. My BPD comes from childhood trauma, my father was a horrible alcoholic and my mother was neglectful of me. (Major abandonment issues) I did some counseling and took citalopram for my depression and Ativan for my anxiety. I quit cold turkey about a year ago now. I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and I’m struggling. I love him very much and he is extremely kind and patient with me, and he tries to help me as much as possible. I have a hard time with communication, whenever I feel my symptoms coming on I begin to split and withdrawal myself because I don’t want him to see those ugly sides of me, sometimes I just want to let it all out but then that makes me become a toxic person. I find myself to be emotionally manipulative a times and I also suffer from jealousy (I’ve been cheated on and lied to by almost every bf I’ve had) I try not to act on these impulses but I feel like I have no control over what I say or do. So I bottle everything up and tell myself that my feelings are wrong and they make me a bad person. And a lot of the time I genuinely do feel like a bad person and that he deserves better than me. He gets upset with me when I don’t tell him how I’m feeling but a lot of the time I just don’t know how to feel or what to do or say. Sometimes I just feel numb. I try to regulate myself and I thought I’ve been doing better but last night my boyfriend got upset with me because he said I’ve been distant the past 2 weeks, this caused me to have anxiety and feel horrible about myself because I genuinely thought I was doing better and it just really hurt my feelings that he doesn’t think I am. I need to go back to therapy and I need to get back on my meds, I know that. But I have absolutely 0 motivation to do anything. I feel so lost right now, I’m not sure what to do with myself.