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Struggling with bfs mental health and unwillingness to get help

J

Juniper78

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Joined
Oct 12, 2017
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3
Hi,

I'm new here but am struggling with my bfs behaviour at the moment. He has depression, self-harms, has suicidal thoughts, is an alcoholic (but denies it even if 'caught in the act' so to speak) but aside from being on low level anti-depressants for the suicidal tenancies, he refuses to engage in any other treatments. He has a history of low self esteem, he does seek out attention (someone else pointed this out to me) and is well known for not telling the truth. I'm not sure if this is a personality thing or if it is due to his memory or mental health issues.

He finds any kind of talking absolutely horrific to the point he accuses me of abusing him for trying to get him to attend counselling to help. He hates any kind of questions - to the point now that if I even ask how he is, or how his friends or family are - I'm interrogating him for hours. It's really upsetting as he is becoming more and more accusatory with saying I've shouted at him or spent hours having a go at him when I haven't. What is most worrying is when we haven't even spoken, but he won't believe that, even after checking our phones to show we've not spoken, and it was impossible in the time frame.

I'm just a bit at a loss where to go from here. I love him to bits but I'm really struggling with all the accusations, the unpredictable nature of it and the unfairness of being shouted at when I haven't actually done anything wrong. I think I'd feel less helpless and lost if he would accept some form of help.

Any clues?
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya Juniper78 and :welcome: to the forum. This is really difficult for you and strange behaviour on his part. YOu need to look after yourself first and maybe think about how you can do that. Refusing to engage with his paranoia is one option, but difficult. I would just walk away when he starts and say that I'm not going to discuss it. But I realise that isn't always possible. You say he is known for lying - is this also him saying things have happened that haven't? I only ask as he might need another diagnosis than depression. It sounds as though he is ill in other ways. I can't diagnose on a forum, obviously, but its worth thinking about.

Have you got support yourself? You need family and friends right now to support you through this. His reality and yours obviously are different. I wish I could come up with some magic answer, but I don't have one I'm afraid. I hope others will be along soon to offer more insights.
 
J

Juniper78

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Oct 12, 2017
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Hi, thank you for your reply.

At the moment I've only spoken to a couple of friends, as I can't afford to keep seeing my own counsellor at the moment. I ended up seeing a counsellor earlier in the year as he had me thinking I had trust issues that were causing me to be paranoid about his behaviour (things generally not adding up but I'd never believed he'd have lied like that prior to being in a relationship with him). I've since seen proof with my own eyes that he was indeed lying but happy to be "insulted" or even "offended" at me clarifying anything when I was told two or three different answers to the same thing. This could be anything from who he'd said he'd been in past relationships with or what time we needed to be somewhere for an event. It doesn't seem to matter how big or small the thing is. He lies about not eating, not being allowed to go out, contact people, hurting himself, and what he's been doing. Some things I think are for attention, others I can't understand what the purpose would be? It doesn't matter to me if he spends a whole evening watching a film, doing housework, if he goes shopping, to his mums, or sits playing with photos. But he goes on about how long he's spent doing something in great detail and when I go to his house it's obvious that he's not being doing what he says, or has been shopping, has food in the house and has definitely eaten. If it was just housework I'd guess it was shame for not doing it, and feeling not good enough or having a tidy enough house etc. But it could be anything. He says he has to ask permission to talk to people, actually he uses this as a reason to shout and be really horrid towards me. But only when he's having a bad week, or if I'm honest how it is at the moment - it feels more like when it suits him. I've told him one of the reasons I liked him is that he has lots of friends, and that we'd been out with them etc. Last night he told me I'd lost my "privilege" when I said I'm not allowed to say "how's your mum" when he said he's spoken to her, because he says I'm interrogating him. I asked him to explain and if I'm honest it just sounded like you're not allowed to ask about my family. It was really hurtful. It's like in his head he turns me into a controlling monster, but then the next minute he wants me to know I'm loved and adored.

His lying in the past is telling anyone who will listen that he's not good enough for me. Nothing he ever does is good enough. He tries really hard but nothing is enough. So his friends were then also having a go at me, believing what he was saying. His justification was that he was telling them how he feels. But he didn't make that clear to them. Nor did he ever tell them anything else about the situation. So they literally got that he isn't good enough, and it was all my fault but not that I'd spent hours telling him how grateful and happy I was about what we had done that day, or the massive texts of all the things I love about him I was sending to help with his feeling not good enough. I sent them for weeks, not that I expected any but I realised that I never got any back saying the same. At that point it was me not being able to say enough nice things to him!

I won't go on - sorry just need to tell someone. I could fill a book with the last 12 months.
I've known him about 11 years so I knew he had a history with relationship issues, I was a bit like the inbetween when he was married as I was close to him and his wife, so I knew he had issues with how he perceived others behaviour. He'd say one thing, she another. Now I'm on the inside so to speak and it's so much clearer. I tried to get him help then too but he wouldn't see it was his perception on reality not what his wife was saying, doing or meaning. Their divorce came through last year after they'd been split up a few years. Looking back I had also spoken to him about his level of inappropriate comments whilst he was with my friend (over attentive, complementary, over stepping the line). I know from other people I'm not the only person he did it to, and he's done the same to me. (I feel the need to say at that point I would never have looked at him like a partner when with my friend. If I'm honest he'd never seemed my type. It was only at the end of last year things changed when I spent a lot of time with him). Sorry if this is a bit waffly I'm really tired after months of stress and lack of sleep, so it's not really coming out succinctly.

I'd really like to get him some help, I just don't know what to do?
 
S

Snowyrabbit

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Sep 26, 2017
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hello i read an article a while ago , about guys refusing to get or receive help i think it's more of a gender thing .. maybe because he is male he thinks he can go through this alone without help , that or if he turns to help people will think he is not manly enough and is weak .. maybe confront him ask him why he won't turn to help , if he won't maybe bring up the topic of men refusing to get help .. maybe find an article to show to him .. sometimes men are too proud to admit they need help ... one of my friends is a guy and he won't get any other help even though he needs it
 
J

Juniper78

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Joined
Oct 12, 2017
Messages
3
hello i read an article a while ago , about guys refusing to get or receive help i think it's more of a gender thing .. maybe because he is male he thinks he can go through this alone without help , that or if he turns to help people will think he is not manly enough and is weak .. maybe confront him ask him why he won't turn to help , if he won't maybe bring up the topic of men refusing to get help .. maybe find an article to show to him .. sometimes men are too proud to admit they need help ... one of my friends is a guy and he won't get any other help even though he needs it
Hi, thank you for your kind response. I think he is beyond help right now.

He's terrified of getting help and will turn really nasty if he ever decides to agree to go. He hates any kind of question. We've been to one couples counselling session (really gentle, I was impressed with the counsellor for being so understanding and not pushing him) I thanked him a lot during it and said only say what you're comfortable with etc. Seemed to go ok. However the next evening he went home had a drink and I had a weekend of abuse for being such an abusive partner for forcing him to do such a horrific act. He was then ok after he'd sobered up after about three or four days, then started the I hate Gf (me) show again this week, as we were due to go Thursday.

I've had the same story again tonight, when he all of a sudden flips and a nice day/evening of chatting on the phone etc turns into "you're a controlling gf. I love you but you abuse me. I've called the Samaritans and it's all your fault. I want to not be hated. I want to be loved." And a whole load of other accusations about me interrogating him again. I don't think "How's your mum?" Is an interrogation!!

He's been off work ill all week, but if I call or text to see how he apparently I've been pestering him. I asked how this is different to when I'm ill and he calls me, he said "oh well I won't bother contacting you then". I am really at the point of giving up on him, which if I'm honest I think is what he wants. He did this in his last relationship, I see it happen. He regretted it for a long time after but is doing it again, and blaming the other party (it's never his fault).

If anyone has any ideas on how to get someone some kind of help, I'm all ears but am considering giving him the label of narcissistic alcoholic and letting him regret another failure to get himself some help. Sorry but I am really just losing any empathy (which I find horrid and upsetting as I'm usually a really nice person :-( )
 
C

curlz

Guest
Hiya juniper78. Reading your thread it sounds very similar to the situation i was in nearly 2 years ago. Although my partner tried to get help he eventually gave up as nothing was helping him. I dont want to scare you,, and i swear i would never wont any one else to go through what i had to go through, but my partner ended up trying to commit suicide but luckily he was stopped by a passer by. He was sectioned under the mental health act. Was in hospital for 6 months altogether as the docter's could not figure out what was going on with him as he refused to talk and tell the truth, was a closed book that they could not open.He was on medication up to his eye balls,, was just awful. But unfortunatly it turns out my partner is a paranoid schizophreniac. After putting together his years of growing up and things hes done,, self harm, relationship issues, struggled to cope with things, talking the biggest lot of crap ever to people, anixity and paranoia, feeling like he was never good enough the docters recon he had this awful illness for at least 18 years!! Thats how he baffled them all as they had never came across a case with someone who got by all those years. When eventually he got a brain scan it showed up right away that he had it.
Now i'm not saying your partner has this, defo not but i do urge that he gets help some how because in my experience it always takes someone to do real harm to themselves before anyone really listens. When all this happened our child was only 5 months old the time. Now im left with the devastating fact that our child may get it one day. Heartbreaking.
But if i'm honest it would be best for you to walk away. I know that could be an impossible thing to do but you need to keep yourself right. I've been through major depression during all this, even had terrible thoughts.. that i would not say out loud ..but i have my children to think about,, they get me by. I just take every day as it comes. On a happier note my partner is doing really well these last few months. He does not stay with us anymore but its working out for us. Its been pure hell but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
xx
 
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