• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

struggling "trig"

sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
I dont know where to start really..except to say that every day i feel that little bit worse.Im not sure if its my meds making me feel this way or whether its a depressive episode..being that im prone to depression.

i have great trouble articulating what i need to say because my mind is in such a fuzz and actually talking to people one to one i find almost impossible. Im currently in therapy but finding it increasingly difficult to talk about my feelings because i just cant seem to find the right words to explain how i feel...and there lies a problem because i have never been in the situation where i cant articulate myself. Just sitting here and typing this is a real effort.

I have an amazingly supportive husband and two supportive and understanding children.. of 19 and almost 17..but each day im having more suicidal thoughts...i was asked by my therapist what keeps me here and i told her its the love i have for my family that keeps me going ..but its so damned hard to keep going.I feel like im losing the energy to keep up this fight.:(
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Sally

I'm so glad you have a supportive and understanding family.

With regards to articulating your feelings, perhaps writing down paragraphs as and when they come to mind that explain how you feel might be helpful. The collaborate them perhaps to take to therapy or have them in your mind to say in your sessions.

When I was unwell every question my psychiatrist and therapist asked me was responded to with an answer of "I don't know". My psyche actually pointed out that for him when I start my "I don't knows" it is a signal that i'm going downhill. When I unpicked this in therapy, I realised that it was because I really didn't want to answer the question, because I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by the response I had to give, if that makes sense. It was easier to block the question rather than digging deep into my thoughts and feelings, because I simply did not want to go there. I also had some fears of verbalising my answers because of what their response might be to me.

I still do it occassionally, but at least now I know why I do it, and can perhaps answer the question in my own head, rather than with them, at a time when I don't fear a response or addressing my thoughts and feelings.
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
Thank you so much for your response.

regarding the therapy thats exactly what i say.."I dont know"..or "im not sure" ..its so much easier to say that than to delve down and see how im feeling...and as you have said ,worry about the response i get from my answers.

I think part of my trouble is im so isolated..or should i say i have isolated myself from the outside world as much as i can..im scared to go out and even when i do managed to go out its only for an hour once a week to go shopping.This week i havent even managed to do that.It seems i have forgotten how to speak in sentences if that makes sense.Im ok with .."hello how are you" but to go any further than that is like torture for me.
Im just getting to a point now where im thinking this just isnt worth it any more. each day its getting harder to stay focused and i suppose im a bit concerned that one day im going to wake up and think...ok guys this is it i cant do this anymore..which i know would completely destroy my kids and husbands lives and i really dont want to be responsible for that.Im stuck in a no win situation.part of me just thinks i need a massive kick up the butt.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
I guess with therapy, the only way I found to get over it, is to try it, take the risk and see what comes out. It might even be worth going into your session describing what you have said to me, which might be a good starting point for you to start opening up and having a discussion. Even if you just print out what you have written and give it to your therapist and start from there.

I guess with going out, I use opposite to emotion action alot. Which is when you fear something that is not actually dangerous, like going out, then do it. Perhaps start off with a five minute walk and build up from there day by day.

Are you under the care of the MH services? If so it could be worth asking them for a referral to some daytime activities. I know some people have problems with this about the possibility of a stigma or other issues, but for me it really helped, because I was with people that had similiar issues to me and did understand, and helped me relearn the art of conversation again.

I also got a voluntary job. This helped me no end. I had to use alot of opposite to emotion action to get me there in the first place, but usually when I did it was never as bad as I thought it would be, and usually made me feel so good afterwards. Having the committment and knowing that they would be short of staff really helped me to get going and go in. It was a 'kick up the butt' for me! At first I was really quiet, I just used to busy myself with the work I had to do, however as I started trusting the people there and building relationships I gradually talked more and more. In fact when I went this week the lady I work with commented on how much I had changed over the last 18 months. She could not believe that I used to be so shy and quiet and now i'm so confident and self assured! I am now starting a paid job as an assistant manager there!

I do think that some times a 'kick up the butt' is a good thing. Unfortunately depression and social anxiety does not cure itself, and IMO a huge element of recovering is about undertaking activities and talking about things you may be hesitant about or reticent to do, or have no motivation to do. It is so hard, I do understand that, but for me the results have been so worth it. :)
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
Yes im under the care of my local mental health team..i see my psychiatrist every three months and have now been referred for CBT(currently in family therapy which my husband and i attend) and to the community mental health team to see how they can help.the thing is i dont know what help to ask for as 1.i always think there is someone else out there more deserving of their help.and 2.i dont know what resources they have..but i guess i will learn about those when they eventually get in touch with me.

I was thinking of volunteer work..it would help with my low self esteem and lack of confidence which really has taken a nose dive since leaving my last paid job three yrs ago..
thanks once again for the helpful suggestions and for taking the time to answer.
regards
sally.x
 
Top