• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Struggling to stay afloat

C

Cassieee

New member
Joined
Oct 25, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Scotland
Hi there, first time posting but I'm not really sure where else to turn at this point.
I've lived with some kind of mental illness for as long as I can remember - I'm 25.
Some times are worse than others but I feel as if something is always there.
I have tried pills and counselling numerous times but nothing seems to help and no one has ever 'told' me what's going on with me.
My father who I'd never met was a bonafide schizophrenic and commited suicide when I was 16 so that weighs on me for many reasons.

In my work place I'm the one token female as I work in the construction industry. I think a lot of my 'worse' stems from that as it's a very hard industry and I'm ''over sensitive''.
Numerous times I've thought about leaving but I have a new mortgage and bills to pay and I couldn't afford my life without this job and I can't afford a break either.

My social life consists of nothing as my ex of 8 years didn't like me going out and I was stupid enough to think that was ok so I withdrew myself and spent all my free time indoors until I didn't know any better. I was content with that for many years and it's my own fault.
Que present day and I have zero friends.
It seems almost impossible after having no social life trying to find/make new friends as an adult.
I at least have my mother who has had depression in the past but I can't bare to put the fact on her that 95% of the time her daughter doesn't want to be 'here' anymore & she's had enough of her own problems.

Now I go to work > finish work > sleep and that repeats. Most nights I don't have dinner because I will geuingly sleep through 13 hours and a lot of the time I have night terrors and wake up screaming.
I feel trapped, exhasted, stressed, weak and I'm tired of having to constantly battle every day.
I'm tired of having to slap on a smile because others don't want to see you with a blank expression.
I'm tired of having to wear a mask because that's what other people want to see/act.
It uses up all my energy having to pretend that I'm 'normal' for other peoples benefit.

However it doesn't mean I feel nothing at all all the time. I know what happiness is. I know the feeling of pride, kindness, hope but they're just an utter glimmer inbetween all the other stuff. Sometimes it's as if I feel nothing at all and it lasts what feels like an age.

I didn't choose this and I didn't want this.
I'm not a weirdo just because I'm not wired the same as others.
I want the same things as other people - friendship, love, happy workplace, generally a good life. But I'm so far down a rabbit hole that I can't claw myself back out anymore.

I'd appreciate any sort of info/advise but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place.

Cas
 
C

cookoo

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 16, 2019
Messages
78
Location
London
welcome cas. Can you not take some time off from work a few weeks off as holidays or even sick leave? Just some time off to really give your mind and thoughts a rest.
 
M

Mark110866

New member
Joined
Oct 25, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Lincoln
Hi there, first time posting but I'm not really sure where else to turn at this point.
I've lived with some kind of mental illness for as long as I can remember - I'm 25.
Some times are worse than others but I feel as if something is always there.
I have tried pills and counselling numerous times but nothing seems to help and no one has ever 'told' me what's going on with me.
My father who I'd never met was a bonafide schizophrenic and commited suicide when I was 16 so that weighs on me for many reasons.

In my work place I'm the one token female as I work in the construction industry. I think a lot of my 'worse' stems from that as it's a very hard industry and I'm ''over sensitive''.
Numerous times I've thought about leaving but I have a new mortgage and bills to pay and I couldn't afford my life without this job and I can't afford a break either.

My social life consists of nothing as my ex of 8 years didn't like me going out and I was stupid enough to think that was ok so I withdrew myself and spent all my free time indoors until I didn't know any better. I was content with that for many years and it's my own fault.
Que present day and I have zero friends.
It seems almost impossible after having no social life trying to find/make new friends as an adult.
I at least have my mother who has had depression in the past but I can't bare to put the fact on her that 95% of the time her daughter doesn't want to be 'here' anymore & she's had enough of her own problems.

Now I go to work > finish work > sleep and that repeats. Most nights I don't have dinner because I will geuingly sleep through 13 hours and a lot of the time I have night terrors and wake up screaming.
I feel trapped, exhasted, stressed, weak and I'm tired of having to constantly battle every day.
I'm tired of having to slap on a smile because others don't want to see you with a blank expression.
I'm tired of having to wear a mask because that's what other people want to see/act.
It uses up all my energy having to pretend that I'm 'normal' for other peoples benefit.

However it doesn't mean I feel nothing at all all the time. I know what happiness is. I know the feeling of pride, kindness, hope but they're just an utter glimmer inbetween all the other stuff. Sometimes it's as if I feel nothing at all and it lasts what feels like an age.

I didn't choose this and I didn't want this.
I'm not a weirdo just because I'm not wired the same as others.
I want the same things as other people - friendship, love, happy workplace, generally a good life. But I'm so far down a rabbit hole that I can't claw myself back out anymore.

I'd appreciate any sort of info/advise but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place.

Cas
Your in the right place Cass
 
A

Alex9678

Member
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
15
Location
San diego
You need some friends or someone to talk to, that's the first step IMO. It'll help with the stress and anxiety You're feeling from life and work. It might not be a ton of help but it'll provide the momentum you need for you to realize your direction.
 
Top