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Struggling to see the good in people...

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AppletreeConfusion

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So I'm a 29 year old male, and unfortunately I'm alone; I'm alone because anyone I've ever been friends with, have ever tried to be friends with, or reached out to has ultimately hurt and rejected me - without fail. The only girlfriend I've every had was a unique example of someone that seemed to care, but unfortunately this was just someone leading me on just to cause me harm later on... this is a recurring theme for me, and all these past experiences boil down to me forming a number of very negative beliefs about other people (known as 'schemas' in the psych literature), the worrying thing for me is my attempts to disprove these hypotheses fail after I take into account the ultimate result of peoples actions and words - and not simply their words alone. New people I reach out to regarding my mental health have all started to block or avoid or ignore me, and I'm honestly getting quite worried about how isolated I'm becoming, no-one seems to care at all, no-one is allowed to care and it's really unfortunate how isolated and alone I am. I need to see some concrete evidence there are other decent human beings out there, similar to me and capable of understanding things, but I'm struggling to find any, and it worries me to see how easily people are seduced by nonsense, it's like nothing I do makes any difference and it's all taken for granted. All I manage to find is 'polite' people who just ultimately make my mental health (I know it sounds terrible, but the hope is I'm wrong)... the things people say and the reality just doesn't match up, and my mind just picks everything apart, understands it, and leaves me frustrated when people misunderstand and ultimately just prove me right, again and again, without fail. I would never say what my beliefs are, but they are very negative, and they allow me to predict peoples behaviour before they do it, and quite frankly, people shouldn't be acting like a bunch deterministic machines, and I shouldn't have to treat them that way. 😕

I know I must be wrong - and I want to be more than anything - I just need to see it for myself...

I've kind of give away a lot here, and I know it sounds bad, when I tell people it pushes them away - but that just reifnforces my negative beliefs, unfortunately. I know I must be wrong, I just need to see there are people out there who would genuinely want to help others out for the right reasons.
 
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AppletreeConfusion

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Just struggling to see the good in people, so this is why I struggle to mix lately. 😞 I need to sort this out somehow.
 
Eleison

Eleison

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Can you see the good in yourself?
 
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Nukelavee

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In my experience, "regular" people aren't incredibly self aware, because they don't need to be. They don't have to seriously question their reactions to normal events.

Honestly - I don't think people even realize half the confusing messages they give off.

At teh same time, people with BPD can be waaaaay too open too early with people. It can be overwhelming to them. And, yes, there are some people who take that as an excuse to use you. Remember - all the insight and perception you have, others can have, but they might prefer to use it to hurt others, rather than protect themselves.

PArt of coping with BPD is remembering - other people don't feel things as intensely as you can, so they literally do have no idea how hurtful they are being.

There are good and nice people out there.
 
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Girl interupted

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I don’t know what your experience has been, but my disorder made me choose very unworthy fairweather friends, partly because I didn’t feel I deserved any better., and partly because I was attracted to people who had their own problems, people I could relate to.

Unfortunately people with their own problems will struggle to help you through yours. So they’ll bail when things get tough to prevent themselves from drowning.

Aside from who you pick, this could all be on them and have nothing to do with you.
 
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Dororih

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I have seen husbands and wives go through immensely tough times together. People these days just bail easily because they are on social media apps and think that they can find someone else.

Despite the BDP symptoms I have (which I am fiercely working on), I see a lot of value in myself and I admire myself. I hope it's not to the extent of pride (which is the "black and white" part of me - I either think I am a crazy mean psycho or I think I am a beautiful overachiever who deserves better).

But the point is, I believe everyone in this world deserves a second chance, deserves love. I pray that you will find friends who come along and show you that - be it in real life or even virtially.
 
A

Almost always in love

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Do you have any professional help, that is helping you process these behavioral / thought-patterns?
If not your first really good step was to make this thread.

The path you are entering is one that takes a long time to work on.
And you will need professionals that you can count on along that path.
There will be many setbacks and times where you will feel, that your old self is still right and was all along..
Somebody needs to be there to pick you up safely, when those times return to you.
Until one day you will feel an internal sense of growing faith and courage and start gaining nice experiences with other people.

It starts from within you.
This thread was a giant step.
Your honesty towards yourself will help you along the way.
But you will need help.
Not only comforting words.

If you only chase ideal people to bring you comfort, you cant win.
Because ideal people do not exist.
There are just people who try their best. Like you already do.
Someone just needs to help you adjust to a confusing world.

Maybe reach out to a doctor near you? Have a chat with him, what your options might be?
And if you are already receiving help, then maybe the current thread is just a sign, that you are already on your way to gain a foothold in yourself and this world?
It takes time.
Maybe you are a bit drained atm?

Other than that, you look like a fighter.
And by the way you write, you look like a guy who could and will manage to win your battles.

Best wishes!
You are already doing well.
Keep up the good work :)
 
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AppletreeConfusion

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Unfortunately people with their own problems will struggle to help you through yours. So they’ll bail when things get tough to prevent themselves from drowning.
Well I interpret that as selfishness, a kind of selfishness that seems to exist in everyone but me for some reason. Anyone I see that was struggling with similar things I've felt moved to help and I've not drowmed yet, in fact it kind of helps me in a way and feel less alone, but often people don't even want to open up to me about things, incase I become closer to them, god forbid.

Do you have any professional help, that is helping you process these behavioral / thought-patterns?
If not your first really good step was to make this thread.

The path you are entering is one that takes a long time to work on.
And you will need professionals that you can count on along that path.
There will be many setbacks and times where you will feel, that your old self is still right and was all along..
Somebody needs to be there to pick you up safely, when those times return to you.
Until one day you will feel an internal sense of growing faith and courage and start gaining nice experiences with other people.

It starts from within you.
This thread was a giant step.
Your honesty towards yourself will help you along the way.
But you will need help.
Not only comforting words.

If you only chase ideal people to bring you comfort, you cant win.
Because ideal people do not exist.
There are just people who try their best. Like you already do.
Someone just needs to help you adjust to a confusing world.

Maybe reach out to a doctor near you? Have a chat with him, what your options might be?
And if you are already receiving help, then maybe the current thread is just a sign, that you are already on your way to gain a foothold in yourself and this world?
It takes time.
Maybe you are a bit drained atm?

Other than that, you look like a fighter.
And by the way you write, you look like a guy who could and will manage to win your battles.

Best wishes!
You are already doing well.
Keep up the good work :)
Well, I have been to many different doctors about my conditions and it was my GP who prescribed my medications, and diagnosed the personality disorder. I would say my mood is mostly just depressed but it hasn't been easy to treat. I see a therapist once a week atm, but only for a few more sessions and then I'm on my own.

Thanks for everyones input. It is really bizzare that I seem to be so genuine, I kmow no-one can be perfect, but I at least don't feel I should be selfish, or cruel, or to not care about to others feelings, and I've never had to act that way because it's just the way I seem to naturally be. I'd hate to be like that. To exploit others weaknesses is something that doesn't make much sense to me for dealing with other potential friends. I mean I could exploit their weaknesses, but why would I want to do that? I just don't see what I could gain from doing that. I get more out of helping others, and would feel much better about that than trearing things down or tripping them up - it's better to lift yourself up and I think it's a sign of confidence to do that, rather than holding others back.

I will keep looking, but tbh, it's hard for me to personally relate to being so selfish. I don't see any excuse for rejecting me other than selfishness tbh... I think for me and some others it's also a bit awkward, but empathy is a normal human emotion that some people seem to hide, but there is a purpose for it if it has evolved.
 
A

Almost always in love

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Your words are full of determination and strength.

You might have your ideals set a bit high for now, but once you find a balance, I could see you as a person that will be able to help others a lot.
Especially because you have the experience you have. You will know the process from within.

You just need 1 person you can rely on in your life. Just 1. For a start.
Once you find this person, fight with every fiber you got to pull yourself out of the darkness.

Finding these gifted enduring people can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Especially for those of us that are already very sceptic towards the world around us.

But keep looking, keep asking for help, keep trying..

Personally it took me 15 years in the system, to meet one supportive person, who could finally reach into me.
But it is of course random, when these things can happen.
You can meet the right person tomorrow, nobody knows. But for every person you meet with an open mind, there is always a chance that you will gain a friend.

A chance..
Its all the chances you have to take.
You have to meet all the "stupid selfish" people maybe 100 times or 100s of 100s of times.
But every single time, you have to take the chance.

You have to keep trying. Till the one that you do not consider selfish shows up.

Or maybe you have to "chance it" with somebody who is actually selfish and see if you can do with what you get, if you cant in other ways get everything you need.

Because sometimes getting a little is better than getting nothing.

Even dumb people sometimes say smart things.
Even heartless people sometimes love.

You have to chance it.
Because this is your life that is on the line.

If you dont make well with what ever is out there, no matter how dumb people might seem to you. Its still your life.

If you cant find a screwdriver to fix the screws, you have to maybe look in the kitchendrawer and find something you can use as a tool.

And from personal experience. Even the dumbest person, who have the dumbest way of behaving on the planet, sometimes say smart and wise things.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Well I interpret that as selfishness, a kind of selfishness that seems to exist in everyone but me for some reason. Anyone I see that was struggling with similar things I've felt moved to help and I've not drowmed yet, in fact it kind of helps me in a way and feel less alone, but often people don't even want to open up to me about things, incase I become closer to them, god forbid.



Well, I have been to many different doctors about my conditions and it was my GP who prescribed my medications, and diagnosed the personality disorder. I would say my mood is mostly just depressed but it hasn't been easy to treat. I see a therapist once a week atm, but only for a few more sessions and then I'm on my own.

Thanks for everyones input. It is really bizzare that I seem to be so genuine, I kmow no-one can be perfect, but I at least don't feel I should be selfish, or cruel, or to not care about to others feelings, and I've never had to act that way because it's just the way I seem to naturally be. I'd hate to be like that. To exploit others weaknesses is something that doesn't make much sense to me for dealing with other potential friends. I mean I could exploit their weaknesses, but why would I want to do that? I just don't see what I could gain from doing that. I get more out of helping others, and would feel much better about that than trearing things down or tripping them up - it's better to lift yourself up and I think it's a sign of confidence to do that, rather than holding others back.

I will keep looking, but tbh, it's hard for me to personally relate to being so selfish. I don't see any excuse for rejecting me other than selfishness tbh... I think for me and some others it's also a bit awkward, but empathy is a normal human emotion that some people seem to hide, but there is a purpose for it if it has evolved.
I mean this kindly, but you are going to continue to struggle with people if you expect them to behave to your own high standards.

BPD in particular have this back white thinking that leaves very little room for people in our lives to fail.

Not everyone is going to be able to navigate their own emotional issues AND be your rock. Some can, but then our stupid disorder will find other ways to alienate them.

Give to others what you can. Others will give to you what they can. If it doesn’t match your intensity or support, you either stay friends or move on. You can’t force people into being what they are not. That’s half the reason for human conflict, trying to get others to behave how you think they should.

Let go of that and I think you’ll find you get the support you need.
 
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AppletreeConfusion

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Well I don't force anyone to be anything, l my case, I'm 95% of the time just observing others and not reacting, unless I was already close to them to feel really hurt by it. It's not that I'm forcing people to be this or that, I just feel very alone and depressed they arnt like me, so it just gets me down. I mean I'm like this anyway, and it's so commonly reflected in rules or laws, so I can't be alone. This is just me being open and honest about my difficulty mixing with others, I realise it's kind of contriversial and difficult to dwell on and face up to. It's like I just expect them to be horrible and selfish, but I wish they would react with empathy.
 
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EstherRose94

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I wonder if somehow this has become a self fulfilling prophesy.

In any case I don’t think what you’re saying is far fetched. You want to meet sweet people and that’s fair. Expecting them not to be is probably not realistic but I get that you feel that way and that’s not super abnormal either. But in order to attract kind people to you you might first need to come to terms with what seems like some anger and hurt that you’re carrying around. To make room to let people in.
 
A

Almost always in love

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Well I don't force anyone to be anything, l my case, I'm 95% of the time just observing others and not reacting, unless I was already close to them to feel really hurt by it. It's not that I'm forcing people to be this or that, I just feel very alone and depressed they arnt like me, so it just gets me down. I mean I'm like this anyway, and it's so commonly reflected in rules or laws, so I can't be alone. This is just me being open and honest about my difficulty mixing with others, I realise it's kind of contriversial and difficult to dwell on and face up to. It's like I just expect them to be horrible and selfish, but I wish they would react with empathy.
When you read the responses in this thread, do you see people confronting you or being empathic?
 
G

Girl interupted

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Well I don't force anyone to be anything, l my case, I'm 95% of the time just observing others and not reacting, unless I was already close to them to feel really hurt by it. It's not that I'm forcing people to be this or that, I just feel very alone and depressed they arnt like me, so it just gets me down. I mean I'm like this anyway, and it's so commonly reflected in rules or laws, so I can't be alone. This is just me being open and honest about my difficulty mixing with others, I realise it's kind of contriversial and difficult to dwell on and face up to. It's like I just expect them to be horrible and selfish, but I wish they would react with empathy.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. It’s rough to feel like this and I think all of us here have felt like this from time to time.

Are you currently in therapy?
 
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Nukelavee

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It's like I just expect them to be horrible and selfish, but I wish they would react with empathy.
But, if all you expect is selfishness - all you will see is selfish people. Esther and Girl are right, you need to rethink your standards. Or at least train yourself to realize the world doesn't run the way we demand it does.
 
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