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Struggling to keep control.

C

Causeway

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2018
Messages
19
Hi guys

Joined here because I feel I need some more regular accountability and support because I'm starting to feel far out of control of my actions.

I've had MH issues since childhood and I don't think my parents ever came to terms with it.

In the last year I've finally had this diagnosed as a Personality Disorder. I'm currently being seen at the local Personality Disorder clinic, but it's taken years to get to this stage.

A year and a half to 2 years ago, I thought I was finally making some real progress and have gone into a line of work where I'm supporting students with disabilities. Since around February I've been struggling more and more and feeling less in control.

I've really started to struggle with violent thoughts and impulsive behaviour. I had to take almost a month off work because I was afraid I would jeopardise my job (which I love, but which can be stressful) by lashing out wither at a coworker or at a student I'm working with. Only my Line Manager knows about this so far.

I feel so frustrated and ashamed that I can't seem to control my behaviour. All I can do is lock myself in. I've caught myself heading out of the door with a knife in my hand because someone outside is making noise and I've been afraid of what I might do acting on these impulses.

I'm in regular contact with my local crisis team and GP as well as the Personality Disorder clinic. It's helpful but I'm still struggling and need more accountability for what I'm doing.

Recently I've sent emails telling people (not people I know - things like complaints about unauthorised credit card payments) they're causing my self harming. I don't feel like I've got much control over it and feel so ashamed that it seems so obvious to just "stop doing it".

There are no excuses but one thing that has been suggested is that my physical health has been really horrible lately. Over the last few months I've been in horrible pain but haven't found out why yet. Latest blood tests suggest PCOS and a kidney problem.

I'm hoping once I'm in less pain it'll start to be easier to regain some kind of control of what I'm doing, but it takes time and I just want to take more responsibility. I hate being this way - to the point where I've spent the last week discussing plans to end my life with GP and Crisis team.

So that's where I'm at right now. Everything is a mess. Not sure where to start. Not showered in a week. But trying to get back on track.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,504
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Here's a big hug for Causeway.

:hug5: and :welcome: to the Forum.

Physical medical problems can cause mental/emotional problems. I hope you get your physical medical issues sorted out as soon as possible.
 
Last edited:
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
Hi Causeway, sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. Hang in there and try to power through. Easier said that done I know.

Something that I find useful is to peruse this website, which has lots of self-help info for dealing with various problems. Take a look around at the areas you mention here and hopefully you'll find some of it useful and can begin putting some things in place when you feel a certain way. Link here - Problems - Getselfhelp.co.uk

In the meantime if there's anything else just fire away with questions or explanations. We're happy to help.
 
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