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Struggling to find any comfort in the future

katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I know there are a few practical reasons for this, 'cause some things in my life are "up in the air" at the moment, including:

  • I've got a PIP tribunal coming up, as soon as I can sort out representation with Citizen's Advice;
  • I've had an ESA questionnaire come through the post, so I'm scared they're going to take ESA off me as well;
  • my relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere (dating a guy who doesn't want to call it a relationship after 8 months and I'm beginning to feel like I'm being taken along for a ride leading to nowhere in particular);
  • I've been unwell recently with gallstones, and I've been taking codeine to combat the pain, but they knock me out for days afterwards - can barely get out of bed;
  • I haven't been able to eat the way I'd like to because of the codeine (as in, I've eaten very little, even though I bought loads of nice, healthy food which is just going off in the fridge 'cause I've not been well enough to eat it - I have next to no appetite, or energy);
  • I've not been well enough to tidy my room for ages and it is disgusting - my altar is in there too, so I haven't done any Wicca/pagan-related stuff for ages, and I miss it;
  • my phone's knackered and I'm not sure when I'll be able to get a new one;
  • I've not been able to exercise either - I use a phone app for yoga;
  • my sleeping pattern's all borked 'cause of the codeine;
  • money's tight as fuck and I'm having to give the remainder of my money to my family, which I don't mind doing - we're in a bit of a transition period, so it'll only be for a while, and it's only been for a few months - but it's getting me down. It's getting all of us down, but I'm happy that I can help.

So, really, when I look at it that way, it's clear as to why I'm struggling to look forward to the future - but it's more than that. I've got this deep, underlying worry that everything's going to remain bleak, or get worse. I constantly feel like I've forgotten something, like I've missed some deadline, or pissed someone off. Everything's out of sync; I don't feel in control.

But, Citizen's Advice are going to ring me later on today, and I have my SIM card in an emergency phone - I can't get in contact with other people on there, 'cause I stupidly didn't save my contacts to the SIM card - but other people can contact me. So that's good. And I haven't been to bed yet (6am), so I'll ask my mum to pick up, if I'm not awake, if/when they ring later on today.

And I'm starting therapy on the 28th. It's an introduction to MBT. So that's good.

[TL;DR] I'm worried that the future seems like a mental block, and I'm just going around and around the same, bleak circle, with no let up. But things will get better.

Just needed to get this out there. Thanks for reading.
 
Last edited:
A

Al

Guest
sounds really tough Katya, you have a lot on your plate. You are clearly very thoughtful and have a clear view of the problems you have right now. Which is a good thing cause it means it is unlikely that you will be stuck in similar problems forever, you have the insight and intelligence to make changes over time. But there is also a downside to be so thoughtful cause you are giving yourself a hard time for not feeling hopeful when it is clear that you are in a difficult phase and you need to allow yourself some space to just survive day by day till you have the health and opportunity for things to be different. Try not to worry too much, it sounds like a tough time but from the outside it doesn't sound like you will be condemned to living like this forever, go easy on yourself, you can't fight all the battles at once, you are only human :hug:
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
sounds really tough Katya, you have a lot on your plate. You are clearly very thoughtful and have a clear view of the problems you have right now. Which is a good thing cause it means it is unlikely that you will be stuck in similar problems forever, you have the insight and intelligence to make changes over time. But there is also a downside to be so thoughtful cause you are giving yourself a hard time for not feeling hopeful when it is clear that you are in a difficult phase and you need to allow yourself some space to just survive day by day till you have the health and opportunity for things to be different. Try not to worry too much, it sounds like a tough time but from the outside it doesn't sound like you will be condemned to living like this forever, go easy on yourself, you can't fight all the battles at once, you are only human :hug:
Thank you so much, Al - that is exactly what I needed to hear. Light and love!
 
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