S
sarahbelle
Member
hi, ive never done this before so please bear with me.
im 23 years old, and im at the end of my tether.
its so hard to explain things, the way i feel, as ive always kept it to myself.
i grew up with a mother who was manic deppressive and alcoholic and always in and out of hospital after many ODs. My dad left her you see and she just got sicker and sicker. Me and my sister took on the role of mothers carer, checking on her in the night, counting all the tablets, dressing her and cleaning her up when she was too wasted, and of course we new exactley the drill with 999. i was badly bullied all through school, i cried all the time. i engaged in dangerous relationships with older men from the age of 12 and had 2 abortions at the ages of 15 and 16, i used alot of recreational drugs to ease feelings of emptiness and loneliness, and just to feel different for a change, with drugs came a circle of friends, ones who were too battered on pills and acid to notice my flaws. I began harming myself at about 16, it started with scalding and when that didnt work any more id use saftey pins, glass, razors, anything i could get my hands on at the time.
i feel like my life since then has been like one crisis to the next, i have always been in a relationship since i was 12. i was living rough,my brother died, i got married, i had an affair, he beat me, i left him, ive had 16 different addresses in the last 5 years.
im still self harming but not with cutting, ive started picking my skin especially on the scalp, that way noone can see it, i know its bad for me and its probably infected but i cant stop, i need to do it, and it realxes me. my lymphnode behind my ear is now swollen and painful probably due to infection. i cant sleep at all, im going with out food for days sometimes and iv lost all intrest in the world.
im not always just depresive, i have periods where im off the wall with energy and enthusiasm and my sex drive becomes insatable all i wannt to do is socialise and party, with anyone, with strangers, ive found myself in many unsafe situations id noramlly avoid like the plague. then theres the guilt and shame the days following where i cant stand seeing anyone and am so embaressed.
i was arrested in november for the first time ever, i dont remember it happening, but when i woke up in the cells stripped and covered in bruises i was so scared.
most of the time though i dont leave the house unless i absolutlely have to, the last time i left the house was 9 days ago, and i have to go to uni tommorow. The bus is a huge problem as is the busyness at uni. panic attacks are still here even though im taking citalopram at the moment, i dont think its helping. i cant explain things to the doctor its too complicated and im sure they think im lying.
i just hate myself, i hate being me, i look at all the people my age having fun with out a care and i envy them, i try to join in but i have to put on an act and im sure they see through me. i feel so desperate and alone.
what the hell is wrong with me!!!
im 23 years old, and im at the end of my tether.
its so hard to explain things, the way i feel, as ive always kept it to myself.
i grew up with a mother who was manic deppressive and alcoholic and always in and out of hospital after many ODs. My dad left her you see and she just got sicker and sicker. Me and my sister took on the role of mothers carer, checking on her in the night, counting all the tablets, dressing her and cleaning her up when she was too wasted, and of course we new exactley the drill with 999. i was badly bullied all through school, i cried all the time. i engaged in dangerous relationships with older men from the age of 12 and had 2 abortions at the ages of 15 and 16, i used alot of recreational drugs to ease feelings of emptiness and loneliness, and just to feel different for a change, with drugs came a circle of friends, ones who were too battered on pills and acid to notice my flaws. I began harming myself at about 16, it started with scalding and when that didnt work any more id use saftey pins, glass, razors, anything i could get my hands on at the time.
i feel like my life since then has been like one crisis to the next, i have always been in a relationship since i was 12. i was living rough,my brother died, i got married, i had an affair, he beat me, i left him, ive had 16 different addresses in the last 5 years.
im still self harming but not with cutting, ive started picking my skin especially on the scalp, that way noone can see it, i know its bad for me and its probably infected but i cant stop, i need to do it, and it realxes me. my lymphnode behind my ear is now swollen and painful probably due to infection. i cant sleep at all, im going with out food for days sometimes and iv lost all intrest in the world.
im not always just depresive, i have periods where im off the wall with energy and enthusiasm and my sex drive becomes insatable all i wannt to do is socialise and party, with anyone, with strangers, ive found myself in many unsafe situations id noramlly avoid like the plague. then theres the guilt and shame the days following where i cant stand seeing anyone and am so embaressed.
i was arrested in november for the first time ever, i dont remember it happening, but when i woke up in the cells stripped and covered in bruises i was so scared.
most of the time though i dont leave the house unless i absolutlely have to, the last time i left the house was 9 days ago, and i have to go to uni tommorow. The bus is a huge problem as is the busyness at uni. panic attacks are still here even though im taking citalopram at the moment, i dont think its helping. i cant explain things to the doctor its too complicated and im sure they think im lying.
i just hate myself, i hate being me, i look at all the people my age having fun with out a care and i envy them, i try to join in but i have to put on an act and im sure they see through me. i feel so desperate and alone.
what the hell is wrong with me!!!
