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Struggling to come to terms with possible OCD. I need some home truths

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littlebitofworry

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May 4, 2021
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Hi. It's taken a lot for me to find a forum like this and post such a thing as I am a very in-denial personal and I tend to push things to the back and 'get on with it' but this is tearing me up inside.

I'll start by saying that the term 'OCD' was never something I associated myself with until about a year ago, I'm still partly in-denial and that's why I'm here, hoping to get some home truths from people that can relate. Please don't be worried too tell me your thoughts straight out, that's why I'm here.

Let's get into it..

My main OCD 'symptom' is rituals/repeating things. I have on average 40/50 'rituals' and compulsions that I do each day, they range from going up the stairs in a certain amount of steps to touching the bathroom door before the sound of the toilet flushing finishes to convincing myself if I don't have the volume of specific numbers that something bad is going to happen. I'd say my 'rituals' started around 2-3 years ago 4 at a push (I'm 22 for context) the earliest I remember is going up the stairs in 4 counts, that developed into other things and now my day is consumed. From the minute i wake up (one of my 'things' is to turn my alarm off within 4 rings) to my drive to work, my day in the office and the journey home, to the second I get into bed. If I miss one of them, or if I don't complete to the fullest capability I convince myself that something bad is going to happen, that's where to paranoid aspect kicks in. I am constantly finding ulterior motives for everything. The tone of someone's voice, the amount of time someone takes to answer my message, the follow request I receive on Instagram. Everything has a motive behind it, when in honestly it rarely does.


That is where my 'in denial-ness' kicks in. Because I am aware that my paranoia and anxiety is exaggerated, I push it to the back and think 'If I was suffering with OCD I'd be convinced that these things I'm doing are completely plausible' and I don't know what that mindset has done to me, but I'm 50/50 most days and then I'll go up to 80% certain I've got something going on the next day, and back down again. It comes in waves. I hope that makes sense.

I have a long list of 'compulsions' and 'rituals' that I do, but there are a few main factors such as touching the handle, watching a number of YouTube videos and waiting for the person in each video to do a certain action before I click to the next, not looking at a certain building on my drive to work (which can become dangerous as I'm looking away from the road) I could list them but I have convinced myself that listing them all is bad luck ! I can't win.

A new compulsion is added every few days, the one I mentioned above about watching YouTube videos until the person in the video does a certain actions, started as 3 videos and then something that I consider 'unlucky' happened and I upped it to 4 videos because I convinced myself that the 'unlucky' thing happened because 3 videos wasn't sufficient enough anymore, it then went to 5, 6 and so on. My current number is 15, but that will keep going up. I don't know what will happen when it reaches the 40-50 mark. It's not something I can ever see changing.

I also struggle with what I call 'association'. There are certain foods that I won't eat anymore and I can't ever see myself eating because I associate them with bad things that happened on the day I ate it. A tough example is that I won't eat Mexican food anymore due to finding out the day I ate a taco that my partner had been unfaithful for a long time. I won't listen to music artists anymore as certain songs remind me of times I consider to be 'unlucky'. I stopped listening to me favourite artist because of this association. It's getting to the point where I'm running out of foods I will eat and songs I will listen to.

Certain positions on the sofa I won't sit. I've redecorated my room 5 times in 3 years due to associating the position of my bed to some news I found out the time my bed was where it was. It's driving me insane and I am struggling to cope.

I'd say it's 70% compulsion and rituals, and 30% severe paranoia. I also (more in the last 12 months) have been getting suicidal thoughts, and it's got to the point where I tell myself if anything bad happens, I can always just kill myself.

I suffered alone for a long time, and it gets worse every day. I mentioned it to my boyfriend about 2 months ago and he's pushing for me to go to the doctors and get some medication as I've not been happy for a while and he can sense that and wants nothing more than for me to be happy.

If there is anything I can elaborate on or anything I've missed that you feel it would benefit adding please just let me know. I'm in my own head again and i'm planning on deleting this post in a few days because I don't feel that i'm going to get the answers I want, but I will get the answers I need.

If anyone could say anything, i'd be grateful.

Thanks

🖤
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
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Laudanum

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May 30, 2019
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Definitely OCD. I have a number of rituals, too, and have had, off and on, since about the late 1970s.

I can't advise what to do about it, but do know it's a manifestation of anxiety, whereby you perform rituals you can control as a way of attempting to influence external events you cannot, in the mistaken belief you are somehow able to.
 
tartan extreme

tartan extreme

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We cannot say it definitely is OCD [unless someone here is a medical health professional qualified to do so], but it sure as hell sounds like it! That must make life hell for you. I understand what you mean, and as @Laudanum says, it's related to anxiety [e.g. I have problems with anxiety and with the numbers 1, 2, 6 and 9 whereby I try to avoid those numbers as much as I can. That's just ONE thing, to have as many as you do would be hellish].

I would speak to a doctor asap and tell them what you wrote here in the OP.
 
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Courtney125

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Feb 3, 2017
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Your life sounds torturous. I hope you can get some help and relief. *hugs*
 
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SB0817

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Hi there- I know this is an older thread but I was moved to respond when I read this in your post:
“If I was suffering with OCD I'd be convinced that these things I'm doing are completely plausible.”

I want you to know- coming from someone who was diagnosed with severe OCD 23 years ago—that this is simply untrue. People with OCD know that their obsessions and compulsions are irrational, but they cannot control their repetition or the compulsion to perform rituals anyway. This is why OCD is so torturous. We know that our actions or thoughts have no merit or are not really keeping something awful from happening, but cannot refrain from the compulsions or from obsessing anyway.

I am not a psychologist, but everything you described sounds like textbook ocd to me. You mentioned paranoia- but I don’t see paranoia in anything you described at all. Your behaviors scream OCD to me. I hope that you were able to see someone for it and begin CBT- it is very helpful and will take you a long way in learning to manage this crappy disorder.
 
C

Courtney125

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Feb 3, 2017
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Hi there- I know this is an older thread but I was moved to respond when I read this in your post:
“If I was suffering with OCD I'd be convinced that these things I'm doing are completely plausible.”

I want you to know- coming from someone who was diagnosed with severe OCD 23 years ago—that this is simply untrue. People with OCD know that their obsessions and compulsions are irrational, but they cannot control their repetition or the compulsion to perform rituals anyway. This is why OCD is so torturous. We know that our actions or thoughts have no merit or are not really keeping something awful from happening, but cannot refrain from the compulsions or from obsessing anyway.

I am not a psychologist, but everything you described sounds like textbook ocd to me. You mentioned paranoia- but I don’t see paranoia in anything you described at all. Your behaviors scream OCD to me. I hope that you were able to see someone for it and begin CBT- it is very helpful and will take you a long way in learning to manage this crappy disorder.

I have to jump in and say not all of us know it’s irrational, ocd can convince you that you are genuinely an evil person and capable of doing horrific things
 
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dansell123

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Mar 25, 2021
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Westport
You are trying to control your life through rituals, and regardless of whether or not you identify with OCD is not the problem. When we really want are lives to flow in a particular way we start to get anxious about little things and then eventually develop patterns of the bevahior (magical or what not) to try to "fix" things. Try to trace your rituals to an attachment you have in your life and realize that you are not in total control of it. If you let go a little, the obessions and rituals will lose their grasp on you.
 

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