struggling to balance my work life, family life, love life

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johnjohn34

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Oct 26, 2018
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For the last year I have been struggling to connect with people and build meaningful relationships with people. I feel like I am having to bend myself to suit others i.e. like certain things or do certain things to connect with them but by doing this I am disconnecting with someone else so have to change my thinking to connect with another person and so on.. I feel confused at times and feel like I am not the person that I used to be and haven't felt the same way around people especially at work since I came out prison and then out of a mental institution.
What happen was I was in prison for 3 and half years and was let out on licence, during that time I had built a relationship up with one of the staff members and was sure that when I got out we would meet up and see if things would work out, but my head was so fucked up when I got out that it would probably have never worked between us, every time I thought about her I got extremely confused and she could see this, in the end I ended up breathing my licence for writing her a letter and going back to prison for the last six weeks. I had already tried to contact her twice and was told not to contact her. On entering the prison for breathing my licence I decided that I didn't want to go to main population as there was someone there that i didn't want to be around so I told them I had an issue with one of the other inmates which I did but only used him as an excuse as it was more of an excuse not to be on the main wing just so i didn't have to put up with the other guy simply because during my time in there he had ingrained himself into my head so much that I thought all small people or people that resembled him were him and even while out on licence from the prison I thought he was going to show up at my door even tho he was still locked up in jail. So by saying somethings I shouldn't of to the prison officers to get away from the main wing I made myself feel like a bit of a grass and felt like I had lost some self respect, while in there I was feeling so angry that she had put me in jail something that came as a complete shock i never thought she would want to see me back in jail again, to my surprise and to add insult to injury I was then taken to the police station and she had me arrested for harassment, in the interview she made a statement declaring that she was shocked to have received a letter from me which maybe she was, but from there on she made out as if she had no idea why I would think that she liked me basically lying and evening going as far as saying that i was delusional, to this I struggled very hard to convince the police officer that she was lying and that she had liked me to which he just didn't believe me one bit and just said '' you took her nice personality as advances to make you think that she liked you '' I then felt something in my head go like my brain just shut down like something went and wasn't quite right in my head I knew this but didn't know what to do all i wanted was to get out of prison and clear my head, so then I was taken back to prison to finish of the rest of the sentence, there things got worse and was eventually sectioned under the mental health act, were I was told that I had imagined the whole thing up etc.... while in there I was given olanzapine 5ml then 10ml while in there a couple of the nurses were making advances on me and that confused me quite a lot here I was trying to get my head around being told that I had imagined the last 3 years now being advanced on by nurses who should of been more professional considering why i was in there and I wasn't sure if it was some setup to test by the doctors to see how I would react completely messed up ( I now am sure that they were genuine advances and not a test). At first I couldn't believe how I had got to be in a mental health hospital and never in my wildest dreams believed that i would ever be in one. When I was released from there I felt like I had completely lost my confidence mainly with women I felt like such an idiot, before going into that hospital I had virtually no problems with women when I came out I had nothing absolutely I can't even explain it, I felt so unattractive, weak, stupid etc.. it has played havoc with my social life, family life, work life. I have girls wanting to chat and stuff but I just don't have it anymore to go after them even tho i want to because of all the confusion in my head. I was told to carry on taking olanazapine but haven't and have broken contact with the mental health as i don't feel like I can accept treatment of any kind from them when they still don't believe a single word I have told them. all of my problems stem from the girl that worked in the prison lying and me not proving that she is lying, on top of that I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder and struggle with things connected to the prison i.e books I like while in there, gym and exercising, pictures or images, even friends that I had in there I struggle to talk to.. I struggle to feel happy quite a lot and I can see it having an effect on those around me especially my family, I think my inability to find a girlfriend and not being able to get all that happened out of my head is my biggest challenge. any thoughts much appreciated.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Dear johnjohn, I'm sorry all this happened to you. I was in a mental hospital and they didn't believe me either. I told them I wasn't sleeping at all and they didn't believe me at all. So I know what it is like to have your word not only doubted but discounted, dismissed, invalidated.

It has taken me years to get over what happened to me and the PTSD. I hope you will get over the memories and associations sooner. ;)
 
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