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Struggling to accept life after years of trying to kill myself.

L

lemontree

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I have attempted suicide several times, the latest being just over a year ago after a 3-4 year gap. Overall, I did come to the conclusion that life could be good and wanted to be alive. Even now that I am doubting this, I still fear death and don't want to kill myself - but at the same time I feel quite lonely and I find myself wondering why it all just feels like a huge cruel joke.

I'd say from the age of 9 until very recently, I've been in a state of unhappiness and mental pain to varying degrees. I've lost out on the normal things like making friends at school, even doing some school work since I was in hospital so much, I am in my late 20's now and still have no friends except my boyfriend. It seems so common for people my age to have lead a relatively rich life so far, having a good social circle, having a partner and maybe even a child, having experiences and going out having wild nights and hanging with friends, you know what I mean? I don't have any of that except luckily my partner, for which I am immensely grateful.

Growing up so troubled, I didn't expect to even make it to 20 so I didn't care about planning my life or wishing or dreaming for anything other than death and pain for myself. I thought the idea of having kids was ridiculous because why would I want to pass on my genetics, why would I bring somebody into this world who would end up maybe even more fucked up than I am because of me?

The longer I am alive though, since I am considered recovered from BPD, I have stabilized a lot and realized that I do want things for my life. Not much, but I just want a simple life. I want to be married, I want to buy a house, and I want a baby. That's it. I don't really care if I don't make much money so long as I can make enough to give my baby a good life. Except, I don't really feel like that could ever happen. Maybe the marriage, maybe the house, but not the baby. My heart yearns for it so badly. I just know it could never happen. I know how selfish it would be, to inflict my suffering onto somebody else. I know it's better off for everyone if I just stayed the way I am with no children. My boyfriend has already had a kid with his ex, and we keep in touch. It cuts me up because he has already been able to experience this type of love and wholeness, I am happy for him but at the same time I feel envious, and that makes me feel more unfit to be a mother. I know it's only really me in the way but, how can I ignore the ethics when they're staring me right in the face? And even if I could, why should I? To make me happy? I feel so selfish.

It hurts a lot, I feel as though I have discovered my dream life only to realize that it's only meant to ever be a dream. Maybe I will always feel this emptiness in my heart. I just feel like, I fought so hard to stay alive and get better just to be knocked back down. I feel so exhausted with myself that I can't just let it go and be happy with what I have.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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You would be a great mum. I truly believe that many of us who have been through horrific depression would do a very good job of raising a mentally healthy and happy child. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be on the cards for me.
 
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celticlass

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i think it is great that you feel you are stabilising in respect of your BPD and that you have hopes and dreams for the future. It also seems healthy that you are questioning how well you could meet a child's needs. None of that says to me you ought not to have children. Have you identified aspects of your current needs that might clash with those of a baby/child? Identifying potential problems will be half the battle.
 
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lemontree

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You would be a great mum. I truly believe that many of us who have been through horrific depression would do a very good job of raising a mentally healthy and happy child. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be on the cards for me.
I am sorry to hear that :( But thank you very much, I do agree I feel like I could avoid so many things I went through if I had a child - but then again, I am sure everyone feels like they would be a good parent to some degree :p
 
L

lemontree

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i think it is great that you feel you are stabilising in respect of your BPD and that you have hopes and dreams for the future. It also seems healthy that you are questioning how well you could meet a child's needs. None of that says to me you ought not to have children. Have you identified aspects of your current needs that might clash with those of a baby/child? Identifying potential problems will be half the battle.
The main one for me, is that I have times of intense emotions out of nowhere still (or rather, regular situations that I am reacting strongly to because I am emotionally sensitive) and although I am able to acknowledge it and carry on (as I know that they are extreme and usually not necessary), I know that children, especially very young children and babies, are attuned to their parents' emotions to a crazy extent. Most people don't realize I am having a hard time or struggling when this happens, my boyfriend can tell but he says it's only because he knows me so well, and I am almost certain that my baby would pick up on it. That bothers me massively because especially in early childhood, babies really rely on their parents' reactions to the world around them to gauge how safe and secure they are. If a baby constantly picks up distress in his mother, he will feel unsafe and not be able to develop as well, nor form a secure attachment with his mother. That in itself can lead to a lot of issues later on in life in the form of low trust for others, difficulty making and maintaining relationships, etc.

There's a few other things like that regarding my strong emotions, but in early life that would be the main one. I would want to raise my child to have strong emotional intelligence and be able to recognize their own emotions and react in a constructive way, but I am still aware that it might screw them up if they can constantly pick up on my emotional state, even if they know how to manage their own emotions. I know you can't ever be a perfect parent but I just don't want my baby to end up with a lot of mental health issues and self harming and suicidal behaviors like I used to. I'd rather their issues in life were things like school work, relationships, normal things that everybody goes through in life.

Other than that, short term I guess it'd be a bit hard adjusting to little to no sleep, and making sure I manage my emotions when struggling with fatigue, but that is a pretty normal concern for new parents I feel and I think I would be able to work that out once a routine is settled upon. Anything else, I think would be okay as I am a flexible person and I would do anything to make sure the people I love are healthy and happy. I would be content putting their needs above my own for that purpose, but still take care of myself of course :)
 
L

Lostlady333

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I have attempted suicide several times, the latest being just over a year ago after a 3-4 year gap. Overall, I did come to the conclusion that life could be good and wanted to be alive. Even now that I am doubting this, I still fear death and don't want to kill myself - but at the same time I feel quite lonely and I find myself wondering why it all just feels like a huge cruel joke.

I'd say from the age of 9 until very recently, I've been in a state of unhappiness and mental pain to varying degrees. I've lost out on the normal things like making friends at school, even doing some school work since I was in hospital so much, I am in my late 20's now and still have no friends except my boyfriend. It seems so common for people my age to have lead a relatively rich life so far, having a good social circle, having a partner and maybe even a child, having experiences and going out having wild nights and hanging with friends, you know what I mean? I don't have any of that except luckily my partner, for which I am immensely grateful.

Growing up so troubled, I didn't expect to even make it to 20 so I didn't care about planning my life or wishing or dreaming for anything other than death and pain for myself. I thought the idea of having kids was ridiculous because why would I want to pass on my genetics, why would I bring somebody into this world who would end up maybe even more fucked up than I am because of me?

The longer I am alive though, since I am considered recovered from BPD, I have stabilized a lot and realized that I do want things for my life. Not much, but I just want a simple life. I want to be married, I want to buy a house, and I want a baby. That's it. I don't really care if I don't make much money so long as I can make enough to give my baby a good life. Except, I don't really feel like that could ever happen. Maybe the marriage, maybe the house, but not the baby. My heart yearns for it so badly. I just know it could never happen. I know how selfish it would be, to inflict my suffering onto somebody else. I know it's better off for everyone if I just stayed the way I am with no children. My boyfriend has already had a kid with his ex, and we keep in touch. It cuts me up because he has already been able to experience this type of love and wholeness, I am happy for him but at the same time I feel envious, and that makes me feel more unfit to be a mother. I know it's only really me in the way but, how can I ignore the ethics when they're staring me right in the face? And even if I could, why should I? To make me happy? I feel so selfish.

It hurts a lot, I feel as though I have discovered my dream life only to realize that it's only meant to ever be a dream. Maybe I will always feel this emptiness in my heart. I just feel like, I fought so hard to stay alive and get better just to be knocked back down. I feel so exhausted with myself that I can't just let it go and be happy with what I have.
I think that if you are feeling stable, you are more than capable to live your dream, and be an amazing mum. I believe that if children are bought up with the love and care that they need then genetics may not be a player.
my bpd stems from a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, and all of my children have grown up to be wonderful happy people. It’s only now that they have grown up that my issues have come back.
As long as you have the right support, I say go for it.
 
L

lemontree

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I think that if you are feeling stable, you are more than capable to live your dream, and be an amazing mum. I believe that if children are bought up with the love and care that they need then genetics may not be a player.
my bpd stems from a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, and all of my children have grown up to be wonderful happy people. It’s only now that they have grown up that my issues have come back.
As long as you have the right support, I say go for it.
Thank you for the kind words - it's encouraging to hear that you were able to successfully raise happy children too, I am so happy for you! I hope that you will be able to recover too, it can feel so discouraging when your mental health starts taking a turn for the worst again :(
 
D

dewey

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The longer I am alive though, since I am considered recovered from BPD, I have stabilized a lot and realized that I do want things for my life. Not much, but I just want a simple life. I want to be married, I want to buy a house, and I want a baby. That's it. I don't really care if I don't make much money so long as I can make enough to give my baby a good life.
Okay, but why? Why do you want to give to a baby, but not to yourself?

Why do you not 'want much for your life'?
I think your recovery is amazing and I relate to a lot of what you say such as not thinking you would make it past your twenties, but there's some things in your post that irk me, to be honest. It sounds like you are resigned a little to life, you don't really feel 100% ready to fight life with all it's forces, sounds like you're not maybe at that stage yet where you are your strong confident self that can face anything and wants to push herself to achieve things for herself and those around her.

You seem hyper aware of the problems that having children when depressed can have e.g. how attuned children are, problems with attachment, all this is true. Personally my mother has always had depressive tendencies and continues to to this day. There have been times during my upbringing where the level of her depression was shocking. It has had an extremely detrimental effect on me.

I later come to notice how distressing her life had been up until the point she had me. I realised how much having children had been a plaster on her problems, which she still hasn't truly resolved.

Except, I don't really feel like that could ever happen. Maybe the marriage, maybe the house, but not the baby. My heart yearns for it so badly. I just know it could never happen. I know how selfish it would be, to inflict my suffering onto somebody else. I know it's better off for everyone if I just stayed the way I am with no children.
The yearning is normal and partly biological. As homo sapiens it is our primary function on the planet to reproduce. But we are also evolved, wiser and smarter than merely just this, like you considering sensitively the effects of your depression possibly having on a child. Well, mental illness is a plague, it can re-surface. Especially post-natal. I would say that everyone should fully develop themselves for themselves before considering having a child.

I would say give yourself at least 5 years at the bare minimum to fully stabilise before having children.
You are still in your late twenties and haven't lost out on anything really compared to others 'living in a rich life'. I am same boat, 27. There's not much point, I find, in comparing yourself to others. If anything people that have been through recovery from mental illness often see things from a different perspective than your average Jane and have gifts because of it. There's so much you can work on like developing a proper friendship network, developing your intellect, from the way you write you are clearly smart, getting involved with causes in the world that distress you etc etc. Find what really matters to YOU. And I mean to the real you.

Personally the way I see it having a child can be seen as a selfish act, if you don't do it at a time when you have fully pushed yourself and got everything you have got from life. Mental stability and resilience are very important qualities in a mother. Those qualities have to be really nurtured within oneself. You have to have a v strong support network, coping mechanisms and a balanced mind.

Edit: sorry if this reads as me dashing your dreams, I don't mean to do that at all, I know how exhausting all this is and I honestly think that you could one day have children BUT your duty to your potential one-day child is to nurture yourself and push yourself to be the best you can be, long, long, before you have them.
 
irwin

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I didn't anticipate living through any of my attempts, I thought I would have been dead several times over by now but I have gotten extremely lucky, or unlucky as I thought at the time. I am getting the feeling you're trying to insinuate that I was only displaying attention seeking behavior rather than serious attempts on my life, but I hope that I've misinterpreted you.

I really hate PC culture and don't wish to suppress your right to freedom of speech, but it's pretty bad taste bragging about how you're hypothetically better at suicide than somebody else. You should see a therapist if that's something you are seriously considering, because it's a serious topic and you don't deserve to die.
I apologize for that post. I was pretty drunk when I posted it and have since gotten a nap and sobered up. Feeling suicidal is a horrible feeling that no one should take lightly. It sucks to hate life enough to even think about ending it. I hope you feel better. :hug1:
 
L

lemontree

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Okay, but why? Why do you want to give to a baby, but not to yourself?

Why do you not 'want much for your life'?
I think your recovery is amazing and I relate to a lot of what you say such as not thinking you would make it past your twenties, but there's some things in your post that irk me, to be honest. It sounds like you are resigned a little to life, you don't really feel 100% ready to fight life with all it's forces, sounds like you're not maybe at that stage yet where you are your strong confident self that can face anything and wants to push herself to achieve things for herself and those around her.

You seem hyper aware of the problems that having children when depressed can have e.g. how attuned children are, problems with attachment, all this is true. Personally my mother has always had depressive tendencies and continues to to this day. There have been times during my upbringing where the level of her depression was shocking. It has had an extremely detrimental effect on me.

I later come to notice how distressing her life had been up until the point she had me. I realised how much having children had been a plaster on her problems, which she still hasn't truly resolved.



The yearning is normal and partly biological. As homo sapiens it is our primary function on the planet to reproduce. But we are also evolved, wiser and smarter than merely just this, like you considering sensitively the effects of your depression possibly having on a child. Well, mental illness is a plague, it can re-surface. Especially post-natal. I would say that everyone should fully develop themselves for themselves before considering having a child.

I would say give yourself at least 5 years at the bare minimum to fully stabilise before having children.
You are still in your late twenties and haven't lost out on anything really compared to others 'living in a rich life'. I am same boat, 27. There's not much point, I find, in comparing yourself to others. If anything people that have been through recovery from mental illness often see things from a different perspective than your average Jane and have gifts because of it. There's so much you can work on like developing a proper friendship network, developing your intellect, from the way you write you are clearly smart, getting involved with causes in the world that distress you etc etc. Find what really matters to YOU. And I mean to the real you.

Personally the way I see it having a child can be seen as a selfish act, if you don't do it at a time when you have fully pushed yourself and got everything you have got from life. Mental stability and resilience are very important qualities in a mother. Those qualities have to be really nurtured within oneself. You have to have a v strong support network, coping mechanisms and a balanced mind.

Edit: sorry if this reads as me dashing your dreams, I don't mean to do that at all, I know how exhausting all this is and I honestly think that you could one day have children BUT your duty to your potential one-day child is to nurture yourself and push yourself to be the best you can be, long, long, before you have them.
You're not dashing my dreams at all, you have good points actually. You are right that I don't have the confidence that perhaps I could have, my self esteem is still fairly low and though I have been working on it for years, progress is slow. when I say I don't want much for life though, it's not meant in a negative way. I just think that if I set realistic goals, ones that are challenging but I know I can achieve, then they give me the confidence to be more daring with the next ones - for now, because my life has been so unstable and turbulent, the idea of a solid, quiet life really appeals to me, just working a decent job making enough to a family really is all I want. Anything else, well who knows :) I am coming to learn that life can change so quickly, in drastic ways, you might have your whole life planned out but it will never go as you want - you might have opportunities you never dreamt of, you may have obstacles in the way of other things, it's all a roll of the dice and that's what makes it exciting. Each peak and fall compliments the other in such a way that you wish to stay alive to see what's around the corner.

I am glad that you could confirm the effects of parental mental health issues on children too, I am sorry that it had such an effect on your life. I do agree that a lot of people do end up having children to try and plaster the pain they are going through, I think my mum did the same thing and it was detrimental on me as I often felt more like her therapist than daughter. I guess that's why I want to be so careful about having my own, because I know you only get one chance with their life and I also agree that it would be selfish to have a baby if I wasn't ready. If I had the chance, it would be around five years from now as I am currently applying to study and by the time that is over and I get a job and settle into it it'd be a good four to five years. That's a good point about waiting until you've gotten everything out of life that you wanted, I guess that's why they call it "settling down", but perhaps while I am studying I will find out more about myself and see what else I want for my life.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply though, I've had a read over it a few times and you do make some very good points. I do have a lot of things I need to work on, but it's encouraging to know that there's a lot I can do to work on them :)
 
L

lemontree

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I apologize for that post. I was pretty drunk when I posted it and have since gotten a nap and sobered up. Feeling suicidal is a horrible feeling that no one should take lightly. It sucks to hate life enough to even think about ending it. I hope you feel better. :hug1:
It's okay - I apologize too I think I came across quite harsh, I took your words in a negative way much too quickly instead of trying to see what's behind those words. How are you feeling now? I really hope that you aren't considering suicide, but we're all here for you if you need to talk :grouphug:
 
irwin

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It's okay - I apologize too I think I came across quite harsh, I took your words in a negative way much too quickly instead of trying to see what's behind those words. How are you feeling now? I really hope that you aren't considering suicide, but we're all here for you if you need to talk :grouphug:
Thanks, LT. I've been feeling this way for years, which is bad but stable. My moods don't fluctuate too much. I just wish they were stable at a higher level of happiness and contentment, and that I felt better about myself -- a feeling that I haven't felt in probably 20 years. I haven't completely given up, though, and am still working on self-improvement, and I guess, that's all we can do.
 
L

lemontree

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Thanks, LT. I've been feeling this way for years, which is bad but stable. My moods don't fluctuate too much. I just wish they were stable at a higher level of happiness and contentment, and that I felt better about myself -- a feeling that I haven't felt in probably 20 years. I haven't completely given up, though, and am still working on self-improvement, and I guess, that's all we can do.
I'm sorry to hear that, that's a really long time to feel so low :( But you are right, I think self improvement is sometimes all we can do.
 
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