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Struggling not to do anything ...

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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
I wrote on here last week about a friendship that had ended ... my friend had had enough due to the ups and downs that have gone with being in my life.

Today I'm trying SO hard not to contact him ... I've begun to feel lots better, think a combination of meds kicking in and CBT proving very effective. And now I'm desperate to get in touch and say hi, but I know it'd still probably be way too soon. I also don't think he'd particulalry appreciate a message along the lines of 'hey, I'm not so crazy now, please can we be friends' as I think it's kinda missing the point that I put him through so much crap.

I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head ... plus writing here distracts me from the urge to write to him! I miss him enormously, even more so now I'm starting to feel okay again and feel like I have good stuff to share with him. I am so full of regret for not listening to him when he asked for space, and really wish I'd got some proper help sooner, then not only would I be better but I'd not be without a very important friend.

Vent over!
 
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shelly

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Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
112
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi bluebell

I know how hard it must be. I had a similar thing happen yrs ago. I was totally besotted with him and was sometimes so full on! I guess this sent him runnning it was like a game of cat and mouse.

It was really destructive as I really, really liked him. We would text non stop saying nice things and then he would go all cold and I would get paranoid start over thinking everything I had said etc, I honestly think I drove myself mad.

The thing is I sadly realised he was no good for me because when he would go cold I would self destruct binge drink and eat. I would be strong and not text contact him and he would soon come running back but the cycle would start all over again. I guess what I'm trying to say is do you really need him ??? You need to be kind to yourself, I know its easier said than done.

If you do still want him as a friend I would leave things for a bit I know this won't be easy! Maybe ask him out for lunch or send him some flowers or a small gift. Hope this helps. Big hugs :hug:
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

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Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
I wrote on here last week about a friendship that had ended ... my friend had had enough due to the ups and downs that have gone with being in my life.
bluebell, you know I'm talking from your point of view right?

Ok babe, well you need to let it go. I don't know about you but i can get so intense that it scares people away. We have to accept this. Not everyone sees things they way we do. I know you want to contact this person, but honestly babe, you need to give it a rest.

If it's meant to be, then it will be.

Take a deep breath and bow out gracefully girl. You know it's the right thing to do :)
 
Onlymebud

Onlymebud

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
185
I think blue's right, if its ment to be its ment to be.
If he a true friend he will still be there when you have got things together somewhat.

Often a break from someone can be the best thing. It helps you realise how you feel about someone.
Me and the girlfriend had a break after about 6 years for a few month but we soon realised we just have to be together.
We know that we might not always like each other but now we know there's no way we can not be together.
Having a break is the best thing that could of happened,,, again, as blue said, if its ment to be its ment to be.

All the best :hug:
 
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bluebell24

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Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Thanks all, I know you're right tho it's tough at the moment. Will try and keep myself distracted and attempt not to dwell on it too much : )
 
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Ainsworth

Guest
Thanks all, I know you're right tho it's tough at the moment. Will try and keep myself distracted and attempt not to dwell on it too much : )
bluebell, i hope you find something to help you get some distraction, i know how hard it is when being attached so much to someone they become everything, when its gone there is a void and nothing fills it as it would feel like they are on my mind all the time. esp when things reminded me of them.

talking about the person to someone else helps, (even if its on here) as then i would feel some what connected still to that person and they havent gone completelyand the hurt fades alittle and not so intense.

well that how i have dealt with abandonment anyway.

i hope things work out good between you and your friend, when the time is right, good luck
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
This rings so many bells in me, I always seem to have a really full on attachment to one particular male friend (despite being very happily married to a great guy who is very understanding), something seems to happen to end the friendship, I get very upset then I develop an obsession for another. I've not yet worked out whether I have these attachments because I'm depressed or whether I get depressed cos I know I'm going down the same old road.

Anyway I would agree with trying to take a break from him, but I know just how hard that can be. Have you worked out just what you want from him when you're feeling bad? With me I have a strong need to talk and to be held, and for them to let me as close to them as I have let them to me.
 
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bluebell24

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Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Hi there all,

Trombone babe, I've not really had anything like this happen to me before ... I've always had a lot of male friends but never anyone as close as this. My husband of course, but that's a very different relationship.

I've been thinking about it a lot recently (surprise, surprise!) and what I enjoyed about our friendship was that there was a real closeness that was unlike any other friendships I've had previously ... as well as having a ridiculous amount in common there was always a bit of a sense that we were in in together, life that is! There are painfully few people in life that can make me laugh out loud when I'm feeling down and I think it's quite an achievement to do so when the subject being discussed is Sylvia Plath ; ) But what I've really come to think is that, although in the earlier days when I was generally quite crazy and mixed-up I had strong and inappropriate feelings, when our friendship settled down he was more like a brother.

This isn't something I feel particularly comfortable about as my brother died when I was 20 and I certainly have never felt that I was trying to replace him, and I genuinely don't think that was the case. There is just something I can't put my finger on about this friendship though, we became close really quite quickly in spite of difficult circumstances and he really looked out for me - seemed to have a sixth sense about when I was not at my greatest and would call me up and we'd talk nonsense and laugh. I hope I managed to reciprocate that too! And I wonder if the reason I unintentionally made him feel like he had so much responsibility for my well being is because sub-consciously I did see him like a brother ... someone who is there no matter what.

I'm feeling quite confused about it all, missing him terribly and knowing I need to give him an awful lot of time & space if I am ever to be able to repair the friendship but it is incredibly hard. I'm about to move to a different part of the country and hopefully start afresh. He knows nothing about my plans and I feel sad not be able to share the positives in life with him. I guess I'm still clinging to the hope that as I get better, and learn to manage my ups and downs better, I'll be able to try again. There are some friends in life I've just drifted away from naturally but he really is one person I wanted around for life and there was a time when he felt the same. I'm so angry at myself for letting him down : (
 
Wynn

Wynn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
63
Hi Bluebell. Really feel for you, as I have been in a very similar situation losing a fantastic friend. You really do have to give him a huge amount of time and space - much more than you think - so that he realises that you can be trusted to take his needs into consideration. If I were you I would send him a very short message, perhaps in a nice card, just to tell him your new address, but play it VERY cool and understated. Hopefully he will come back eventually, but you will need to keep your cool, and keep things very light for a long, long time if he does. Hope things work out!

Something my daughter told me...
'Friends are like stars - you know they are there, even if you can't see them'

I'm sure he still cares for you very much, he just needs to look after himself too.

:grouphug:
 
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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Hi Wynn,

thanks for your message and I hope you're right; that he still cares. I'm worried I've messed up too much already by sending him messages when he'd asked me not too ... sometimes the ups and downs just get the better of me.

I'm going to try really hard now tho to just give him the space he deserves. I hope that the very resolute nature of his last email proves to be down to the hurt & resentment he felt at the time and that it will ease. I know I need to wait until I'm much, much better before I consider trying to make amends, just hope I can hold out for as long as it takes.:hug:
 
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