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struggling for control.

B

blackroses

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2008
Messages
16
this may seem a bit weird but this is the place it should seem less weird!

for the last week it feels like theres something INSIDE of me, its been a feeling thats been getting stronger and stronger.it feels very angry and just below the surface waiting to get out.i was at a club with one of my best mates and his girlfriend, she hugged me n i thought she was gnna whisper in my ear but she licked my ear and inside i heard "MINE" and i was gnna backhand smack her but i regained control n said "no!" inside of me and managed to ball up my fists are breathe.

at times i feel like a god, incredibly powerful and i feel like this electricity going through and it feels like its under my control.i feel like nobody could kill me.

i was in the garden smoking tonight and this happened in my head and i was replying without deliberately doing it or thinking it.

"you are mine"
"i am yours"
"i will give you power"
"how much?"
"more than you'll ever need"
"more than anyone?"
"more than any who live"

i felt like i couldnt control it it was taking over me but this has happened before though not as bad. so i lit up a lighter for a long time and then burned myself with the metal, not in a self harming way. the pain brings me back down to earth and reality i dont do it cos i feel bad i do it for control.

im finding it very hard to keep control, i took some valium but i feel so happy lately and im scared to slip into a depressive episoide.

can anyone relate or know what i mean?
especially about having this "thing" *INSIDE* of me?:confused:
 
T

Twylight

Guest
Hi blackroses, it sounds as if your a little euphoric.
You might need something stronger than valium to keep control.
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
maybe. i know in my manic phases i feel pretty much just like you described, a god among mere mortals. i am invincible.
(i read your other post) your not alone on the sex thing. i mean, i was 27 before i had sex, and im still with the woman i did it with, in fact she is sitting in the next chair over watching Iron Man. its not that i had NO interest in sex, but it was nothing like my friends, who would fuck anything that moved it seemed, and thats all they talked about. it made me vary uncomfortable, it still does, though less now then then.
i met my wife during a manic phase, i said, i want her, and dammit i got her. during a manic phase i not only feel invincible, i have to say i do exactly what i set out to do, and ive survived being set on fire, hit by a car, attacked by a donkey, jumping off a mountain, several drug and alcohol overdoses; from the looks of things i AM invincible.........
until......
i crash, suck up inside my head, and refuse to leave the house. those great, invincible feelings are replace by utter despair, i cannot face anyone, i cant look you in the eye. i am nothing and noone.
i chalk it up to cause and effect. for every action there is a reaction.

anway. welcome, and your not alone.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
That feeling of power and control is certainly reminiscent of mania - event he dialogue with the voice reminds me of some things about when I got badly manic.

And if you heated the lighter and then burned yourself that's self harm. It's the action and not the intention that makes it harm. There is no one reason to self harm and control is a reason that's probably ranking in the top three.
 
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