- Apr 21, 2015
I don't know if I'm posting this in the right area, but I am just looking for some opinions/advice on my situation. I'm 23 years old, living with my boyfriend of 4 years. I'm in graduate school, and also working as an assistant manager for a retail store/fuel station. I have virtually no friends. I have just a couple people from my hometown that I sporadically text with... usually just a hi, how's it going? I don't spend time with anyone outside of work and school, other than my boyfriend. I've been to several therapists in the past, for a variety of reasons. I'm extremely anxious. Really anything can get me worked up, from driving to cleaning my apartment. What I perceive as issues tend to just sit with me until I think they're taken care of. I'm constantly thinking. Believing that my apartment is messy or that my dog needs to go to the vet will stay on my mind consistently throughout the day (or for days) and really take a toll on my mood. I'm extremely detailed. Everything I do has to be "perfect." That being said, I'm inflexible in my standards for how things are or how they should be. This is most evident in my job and schoolwork. I find it impossible to work with other people, mostly because I just think my way of doing things is the best way to do things. I feel a great amount of joy when things are "perfect," whether it's a project at work or just a really smooth day. I'm stringent in my routine. I write everything down that I need to accomplish for each day (every day of the week looks exactly like that day the following week, and the prior week). I just feel a sense of relief when I write down what I need to do. For example, I do laundry the same day every week. My self-made work schedule looks the same each week. It goes on. I absolutely have to feel in control of every moment of my life. I think that's why relationships are so difficult for me. I guess my boyfriend has learned to put up with it. With most people, however, I demand answers and reasons every step of the way. I can't handle not knowing what someone's intentions, thoughts, or feelings are, so I find it easier to just not bother with people. At my lowest, the idea of not having meaningful relationships really bothers me, and I feel terrible for having pushed so many people out of my life. At the same time, I feel proud of this. I constantly justify my actions and thoughts by convincing myself that I "know" what other people's intentions are. I take pride in my independence and ability to go through life without having to connect with other people. Ironically, I also allow them to control so much of my life. I'm extremely critical and judgmental, and often don't even give people a fair chance in my world. But when I'm having a rough day, I tend to victimize myself and find myself thinking it is they that haven't given me a chance... that I'm just misunderstood. On top of all this, my moods have been fluctuating constantly. I can go from zero to ten in a matter of minutes. For example, when I get into a fight with my boyfriend I will honest to God wish the relationship would just end. Give me about ten minutes and I'll feel very differently. I'm angry and irritable and everything seems to set me off now. I have it so together from the outside, but everyday I seem to be losing myself more and more.