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Struggling a bit

SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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The West Country
I'm struggling a bit at the moment.
Part of me wants to talk to my CPN or psychiatrist but I don't know what help I want from them. I don't fancy more/increased meds.

I wrote this in my journal and am pasting (and editing) here because it helps explain -
I've always had this part of me that i'll call the "watcher" that's detached from my mental health issues.
The "watcher" sees it all playing out - the thoughts, paranoia and feeling like someone is deliberately messing with my mind.

When I talk to a professional, it's not the ill part that sits in the chair. It's this watcher and so it creates this façade of me being in control and having quite mature insight.
I'm not embodying in the 'crazy' which makes me appear very 'sane'.
And so then it's really difficult to put across just how bad i'm feeling and how distressing things are.

The problem by the way is feeling very out of it, like someone(?) is putting horrible violent images in my head, that music/media is another weapon to make me lose my mind while someone enjoys seeing me lose it.

All of this I know on one level is untrue, i'm just anxious, but when it happens it's really upsetting and pissing me off.

(You know the children's "cars" they have outside of supermarkets that you put money in so that the kids can have a ride? There's one outside of my local that is set to play laughter whenever you walk by and I just want to take a fucking hammer to it... the laughter feels like it's at me even though I know it's just a stupid machine)
 

MarlieeB

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It's only natural to be upset by these things SS. I just wish I could say more to make you feel better.

:hug5:

xxx
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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Think i understand what you mean. Is like with me I feel like i have several parts so I can see that I can do things that are detrimental to me but it doesnt stop you doing them but because you have this so-called 'insight' - this rational part so you can discuss things people think you are more in control than you are. I know this doesnt help you, sorry
 
D

djooj

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Im really sorry you're struggling SS. Can youwwrite down an show to cpn or p'trist, show how you're really feeling? It's crap it's the wknd now, how will you cope?
 
mami5

mami5

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I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment SS. Wish there was something I could say or do to make things better for you. Have some hugs instead. :hug: :hug: :hug1: :hug1: :hug5: :hug5:

Hope you're better soon.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
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Location
The West Country
It's helpful to know other people experience this too.

It's just so frustrating to have a part of you that's so wise to it all, and yet the "ill" parts are so strong that it's a huge effort to find a balance.
In some ways this is why I think "borderline" is quite accurate for me - one foot in sanity, one foot in insanity. :(

And yeah, it is annoying that it's the weekend but i'm feeling safe. I don't feel like i'm going to do myself any harm, it's more that it's distressing.

Like I say, the fact that i'm so sensible when talking to professionals often leaves the professionals offering me little help because I appear to be coping.

Thanks for the general good vibes and hugs, everyone. xx
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Jul 22, 2013
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Hiya SS,

I think there is something called 'spectatorism', which is where you have a sense of watching everything play out, but not necessarily in control of it. It's a type of dissociation where the mind 'puts it over there' in an attempt to figure it all crap out!

I have often reported to pdocs a sense that I am two people (not in a split personality way), a side ruled by intellect where everything makes sense and is seen for how it is and a side ruled by emotion and instinct which fears and worries and sees things that aren't there. The latter is firmly in charge of the whole yet the intellectual side understands all the good common sense and doesn't understand why the emotional side feels as it does. This is me watching myself and it's with me constantly.

I think you are being too hard on yourself and maybe overthinking a little? If Mindfulness has taught me anything it's that I think WAY too much and it's generally very bad for me!

Big hugs hunny, we are gonna get you through this

:hug5:

Davey x
 
L

lovagemuffin

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Oct 21, 2014
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hi I know how you feel when I go to see my doctor im the same I go in there she says sit down and my mind goes completely blank. writing down what you want to say and then bringing it will you can help when ive been really ill ive just given them the piece of paper. you aren't a frauster but we convince ourselves I think that were not that bad if that makes sense who want to think about the fact theyre mentally ill every day. you deserve the support no matter what you say/ do it doesn't matter your worthy of support.
your very kind hearted and warm person on here especially tcxxxxxx
 
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