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Strong psychotic thoughts and urges **TRIGGER WARNING - thoughts about violence described**

S

Skorpios

New member
Joined
Feb 25, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Texas USA
I was unsure of where else to put this, so I am very sorry if it’s is in the wrong category.

Be warned, this is very long, but i will put a summary at the bottom for those who do not wish to read the entire thing.

I am a male, 18 yo, clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety, BPD, schizophrenia and psychosis, along with Autism and Tourette’s (my umbilical cord was wrapped around my throat when I was in the womb, and anytime my mother had a contraction, the oxygen supply to my brain got cut off, which is what my doctors think think is why I have so many mental issues)

My psychologists said I showed sociopathic tendencies as a child, though no diagnosis came of it. As an adult, I still have no sociopathy diagnosis, though I fear I may need one.

I have very strong urges to harm people that are supposedly close to me, and no the case I cause accidental harm, I do not feel sorry or guilty. I am gay and have a boyfriend of 5 months, and although we do not live together, he often stays with me at my apartment over the weekends. I met him 7 months ago, and was not very fond of him at first, but we became friends and tarted dating.

During the beginning of our relationship, I was very happy and joyed to find that I had not been having psychotic thoughts towards him. We cuddled, kissed and went on dates as a normal couple would. We even had sex, and it was completely loving. I did not want to hurt him, and i was very relieved that I had not been having such thoughts towards him.

Flash forward to maybe a month ago, give or take a week or so. He was sleeping in my bed as I finished up some work on my computer. I don’t remember much, but I only recall looking over at his sleeping form, and thinking “I would love to strangle him right now.”

I was, to say the least, horrified at my own thoughts. It had been going so well, too. I quickly finished up my work and layed down beside him to go to bed, as it wasn’t during the wee hours of the mornin and I asumed (I hoped) that it was lack of sleep getting to me.

Have you ever had a soemthing happen to you that you just cannot forget? It could have happened a month ago or ten years ago, but you still remember it as if it was yesterday? This is one of those instances for me.

I distinctly remembers laying next to him and creating a good, half foot gap between our bodies, despite my usual routine of spooning with him. I was terrified I would hurt him. I could not stop the thought of how he would look if he was seriously injured, and other things of this caliber.

It has been around a month since then, and the thoughts have not stopped. I even denied his request to visit me this weekend under the excuse of “I’m not feeling well,” out of fear that’s I may hurt him.

I do not know what to do. I have not told my mother “I love you,” in over two years, despite only recently moving out, and I fear I may stop loving him too. I do not want to hurt him, but my brain keeps generating these thoughts and ideas. Not to mention i am schizophrenic, suffering from both auditory and visual hallucinations, and my most frequent hallucination (dubbed “Regi,” by their own choice) likes to feed me real-time ideas on how to cause people harm.

I really do not want to feel this way. Please help.


[SUMMARY]
Male, 18 yo, with boyfriend of 5 mo. Diagnosed w/ paranoid schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, BPD, psychosis, autism & Tourette’s. Have not had urges to hurt him (boyfriend) until 1 mo ago. Have had urges to physically harm all friends, family and aquiantences excpet him (until 1 mo ago) and was overjoyed to not want to harm him. Suddenly had urge to harm him and fear I may act on this. Please help.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
daffy

daffy

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Hi there Skorpios you are obviously suffering a lot of MH problems but what you are saying is very worrying . I’m not qualified to say what’s happening to you but it does sound like psychosis and you really need to speak to someone urgently. Just because your having these thoughts does not mean you would act on them but you need to get some help ASAP
 
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PoppyBlossom

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2019
Messages
19
Location
London
Goodness me, that sounds awful. Really feel for you. Every day you don’t act on your thoughts you should be proud of yourself. Definately find someone to talk to, because life would only get a hell of a lot worse for everyone if you did something violent. I hope in this time you haven’t done anything. Please, for societies sake and your own, speak to someone about how to manage these thoughts. Don’t hurt your boyfriend. You can beat it! You are strong!
 
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