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Strong anger towards my mother

maggie0123

maggie0123

Member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Canada
Growing up, I had a strong attachment to my mom, just like most kids. But as I grew older, and when I realize how different my mom treated me and compared myself towards other people's mother's my mom and my dad weren't particularly good role models. Although, they tried too, I still have so much resentment towards them. Particularly, my mother. I've been experiencing suicidal ideations since I was 14, I'm 19 now and I started socially withdrawing myself then. I started becoming paranoid that no one liked me or I'm so annoying even though I had friends and was kind of 'popular' in school. I stopped going out, and talking to people. I think the lack of parental support in my childhood affected me so much as a teen, I get particularly attached to authority figures, and as well as I have had crushes on my teachers, and in university I've had crushes on my professors as well. Even with other people my age when I get crushes, I fall in love with them without even knowing them. But, I'm so sexually confused, I dont know if I like girls only because I'm scared that a guy wont love me, or if I only like girls because I only like the emotional support of girls. My mom would shout at me a lot over the smallest things, she's so emotionally volatile over the smallest things. And, whenever I just show the slightest annoyance she treats me like I'm a bad person and she would talk shit about me to my other siblings and to my dad and when we fight she would ignore me and suddenly the whole house ignores me as well. I've realize also that because of this, my youngest brother has become a people pleaser towards my mom it's always about her needs. It irritates me how petulant and fucking childish she is. And she does not realize that anything is wrong with her parenting style, she thinks there is nothing wrong with our family. I have intense abandonment issues, and I've self-harm in the past and still have urges to do them again. I've been to a psychiatric ward once for suicide attempts and Ive had panic attacks just being around people. I've also had eating problems as a teen and intense body image issues until now. I would not eat for days, I would go fasting and then suddenly binge-eat. And my family knows how insecure I am about my weight and they don't even realize how much that fucking hurts me and they continue to body shame me as a joke even though I'm not even fat just to get a rise off me or to make me feel insecure. I think I may be borderline. My mom makes the most fucking embarrassing, cringiest, and unfunny and inappropriate jokes. She always makes fun of me about everything I do. I fucking hate her. And, even the most disgusting and irritating jokes, where I felt she overly overly stepped out of her boundaries was when she joked about me sexually, and she doesnt even fucking realize how inappropriate this is. Just yesterday, I was standing beside her and she was sitting down on a chair and I was joking with my sister then suddenly she went close to me and tried to pretend that she was about to kiss my fucking boob. my sister and i were both like ew and i told her "that's sexual assault" and naively she was like is that "considered sexual assault?" and I tried to cool down and ignore what she did. And she did it again this morning this time, she told me to hug her and I went to her and hugged her and she was trying to make that fucking joke again, this time she was putting her face on my boob while hugging me on purpose just to try and be funny. Fuck i fucking hate her, i cant believe how fucking dumb she is and her lack of introspection. who the fuck does that? to her own fucking child. Please feel free to message me personally, I really need someone to talk to
 
L

Lavendergirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
109
Location
London
Seems like your mother is being totally inappropriate in what she is doing
Is there another older family relation you could talk to about this.

Also don't allow your family to put you down
You deserve to be loved and respected.
Maybe it's time to think of becoming independent
I'm not sure where you live and what your finances are like
Is it possible to get help with finding some other accommodation
Or sharing accommodation with friends
Sounds like you could do with some space to heal
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,620
Location
England
Hello Maggie. I am so sorry to hear all you have been through and how your mum treats you. Your mum sounds a lot like mine and I can fully understand why you feel angry. I do not know if this is any help but for me having therapy helped me to understand what I was going through. It sounds like you are not in the position to move out and that is such a shame because for me getting away was the only way I could heal.
 
D

Drama_llama

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
83
Location
Scotland
Hi, your mum is acting completely inappropriately, even if she’s sayings it is just a joke, it’s not right - especially to your own child. I’m so sorry you have to put up with it. What’s worse is even after you’ve told her that your uncomfortable (even though it shouldn’t be happening anyway) she has still continued to act this way.

Is there any other family members you could talk to about this? Maybe they could talk to your mum also and tell her how inappropriate it is, even though she should know already.

If you ever need to, you can talk me if you want. I’m not a professional or anything, but I’ve been told I’m a great listener 😊.

Take care.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,121
I went through this. It took me 50 years to realize that my mom had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that she was incapable of understanding that what she was doing was wrong. That freed me. I began to look at her as someone who was mentally ill, and her reactions to me had nothing to do with me personally, but more to do with her illness. That became my armour, and her words didn't hurt me as much.

Focus on you. Focus on going to therapy and working through your own stuff.

You can also focus on training her. If she interacts with you badly, or starts a fight, just walk out of the room and do not interact. Over time she will begin to change how she talks to you. You need to literally teach her how to treat you. Positive interaction? Engaged conversation. Negative interaction? You walk away and set boundaries. You cut off the fuel for the argument and treatment by just walking away.
 
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