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Stressed to the Max!

vanish

vanish

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Over the past fortnight, I have been becoming more and more unwell due to stress. In the beginning I could handle it, as it was just because of my studies and home life which were stressing me out.

Now I feel totally stressed to the max and I have no idea what to do. My flat looks a shambles, I haven't eaten properly in days and now my schizophrenia is deciding it wants to play a part in making me stressed. I hear constant voices now which aren't that nice and keep telling me to commit suicide. I don't necessarily agree with their reasoning but I've lately thought about methods in which I could kill myself.

Even when I am with my best friend (who lives across the street from me), I feel isolated and depressed. She is a voice hearer too (but doesn't have schizophrenia) and understands about the voices, but she thinks I need to find some way to relax and see if the voices calm down a bit.

My psychiatrist wants me in hospital but I am determined not to go. Who would look after my pet rat? He needs me on a daily basis! Besides if I did go, it would interrupt his training. I have many assignments due for college in the next three weeks. I am scared I will fail, but seeing the amount of apathy I have for the actual workload, I probably will fail anyway.

I keep on seeing things I have to remind myself aren't real. It is scary, especially when you are tired. I haven't been sleeping that fantastically but you get that I suppose (I am averaging 3-4hrs sleep a night).

I am scared, really scared of what is happening to me. I dare not share this with my friend or any doctors or workers involved in my care. I know I am probably going to relapse soon and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It's like a cyclone... you know it is going to hit, it's just a matter of when and how much damage there will be.

Anyway thanks for my rant. :cry:
 
Toasted Crumpet

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I'm sorry things are going again, Vanish. :hug:

Is there any chance you could have the Home Treatment Team instead, so you wouldn't need to go into hospital? They can visit every day till you are feeling better.

Or could your friend look after your rat? I know they need someone to play with daily, but he'd probably be ok with someone else for a while.

Would it also help if you can get extensions for your assignments? You don't necessarily have to disclose the extent of your difficulties but just enough to get a certificate.

Although if there is a real chance of you hurting yourself, then you know the number one thing is to get help and keep safe - college work can always wait, someone else can care for your rat and his training can be put on hold for a while - it's important to take care of you. xx
 
vanish

vanish

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I am beginning to have strong suicidal messages from my voices telling me to kill myself (does that them suicidal or homicidal, I really don't know the answer to that). My stress levels are through the roof now as I have college assignments coming thick and fast now. Add to that I have been the victim of credit card fraud and have had my entire pension stolen from me today, leaving me with a measly 34 cents in my account. I have no idea how I am going to pay my private health insurance or even pay for medication (I am running out in the next few days). I am scared now, genuinely scared. I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I now can't go to the hospital in order to keep myself safe from my voices even if I did agree with it because I can't pay my health insurance premium and excess for an admission.
Everything is just really messed up and I guess I am in that bundle too.... messed up.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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Oh no, Vanish that is awful about your pension I am so sorry :hug:

Have you reported it to the police?

Do you have any family you could stay with? It tends to be easier to stay safe with people around in my experience.

Can you explain to your college what has happened or get medical certificates so you can get extensions for your assignments?

I don't have any experiences with voices but hopefully someone on here who's had similar types of voices will be able to help. I can only say please try not to listen to the voices, you don't have to do what they tell you. I am sorry you are struggling so much.
 
rubyrose

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I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. It's awful your pension was taken from you. I think TC asked some good questions and they are worth giving some good thought. I hope things get easier for you in the near future. I don't have personal experience with voices but I would suggest telling them you refuse to do what they tell you to do, remain firm in your refusal, and hopefully they will back down soon and you can have some peace. Again, I'm sorry about all this.
 
vanish

vanish

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I ended up calling a suicide helpline last night. I know how I feel is very depressed and with the non-stop voices, I think I came very close to the brink. It annoyed me though how the whole telephone counselling person was reading from a script. I ended up telling them I was ok and hung up (that was they won't send the cops around to check on me). I'm not ok though, far from it. I'm still on that brink teetering on the edge. I most probably in all realism should be in the hospital, but I've only got more to lose if I stay alive and agree to be admitted, therefore I'm not going. I also am certainly NOT phoning another suicide helpline anytime soon!
 
nonotme

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hey, can't say too much other than try and stay safe. stupid advice i know when your in your situation.
 
vanish

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It isn't stupid advice at all. I am trying as hard as I possibly can :(
 
Palladian

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I hope your ok vanish. I hear voices and suffer from schizophrenia. Staying on top of things is difficult I know. I try to get on with things and ignore the voices when they do become intrusive, I know its difficult. Are your voices internal or external or both? I find the internal ones the most difficult to deal with. They do go when I do stuff. For example I feel ill now and all it is - I haven't tidied my bedroom. When I do tidy my room everything becomes easier. I feel better about myself and can cope with other stuff like reading easier. When I'm not to paranoid I go for a walk and that helps because when I get back I'm tired and hungry. Then I have a good nights sleep.
Hope your ok?
 
Toasted Crumpet

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sorry the helpline was crap, vanish. It helps to have genuine human contact but I guess if they are forced to read from a script you can tell that is what they are doing and it becomes farcical.

Can understand your desire to stay out of hospital, I hope you are able to stay safe :hug:
 
vanish

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Well it has been decided. If I am no better by Friday, I am being admitted to hospital.... sigh!
 
Toasted Crumpet

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sorry to hear that, vanish. I hope you will be feeling better soon, either way. I know that sounds very inadequate given what you are going through, but I do mean it:hug:
 
vanish

vanish

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Thanks TC. I am hoping if I do get admitted, that something positive comes out of the whole thing. At the moment I just feel like I've let my teachers, family and friends down.
 
F

flatz

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vanish, how long have you been diagnosed with schizophrenia?
 
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