Stress related paranoia - hopefully

[pinkmetalgirl]

Ok. Have been posting for a while working up the courage to write something about what's going on for me at the mo. Think I can just about do it, so here goes

Backstory:
I withdrew from the meds back in spring last year. It was a good decision, despite the rebound psychosis I got, and it felt great to cope with the increase in voices and unusual thoughts myself. Its meant I've had to rearrange a bit about how I work (my concentration and multitasking were shot initially, but am feeling better and have found ways around it). Am loving being awake in the morning, tho, and feeling much more connected to stuff around me.

What's happening now:
Am on a part time uni course and had my first assignment in this week. Sensibly i know the stress has set off my voices and paranoia. It's not easy to reconcile the sensible bit and the bit that feels, tho. What I feel is that there are cameras in my house, that there's an implant in my neck (that's probably being used to mess with my brain) and that the course is an experiment. My voices are being really loud and are making it worse.

I've had a couple of days off to chill (made easier because I'm physically yuk at the mo with evil cold of doom) and get my head back in order. Also made an appt with my psych (who's started to be good about my lack of meds after a shaky start ... aren't expecting them to do anything - as I don't want meds and want to get thru without it - but am making a show of keeping them on board so that they don't get all twitchy and panicky)

I (mostly) know that this is a stress reaction (most of the time) but cus what I'm worried about is so real and pretty scary, it doesn't feel safe to ignore it. My head's caught in the spin cycle going back and forth between it's real, it's not real.

Luckily my hubbie is an angel. He gets it and is encouraging me to do things to chill my stress levels - relaxation, tai chi, music etc. I sort of know from previous experience that if I feel calmer, safer and in control the paranoia will start to ease. But then I'm worried about not paying attention to it and something bad happening to me.

Am back at work tomorrow, so need to find some ways of dealing with it by then. So far I have ...

iPod (helps to listen to music when I'm out and about so I can keep my mind focussed on that rather than the voices/thoughts - also makes me feel more confident and less exposed for some reason)

Notebook (writing down what i'm worried about and showing it to my hubbie so we can work through it - if he knows then I'm not alone with it ... it might also stop me obsessing about it cus that's all i've done all day so far apart from post on here)

Relaxation (keep stress levels intact)

Take a packed lunch and drink from home (so I don't have to worry about getting something from work that might have been tampered with)

A list of things to do at work (to help me keep my mind on the job rather than on what's worrying me)

I suppose it's just getting through it bit by bit. If it's stress, then it should get better when I get less stressed. If it's really happening it's so big that there's very little I can do about it anyway - might as well put my head down and get on with it. I'm a stubborn lass, which is both a good and bad thing I think.



Thanks for listening x

 

[Apotheosis]

I think that you are doing incredibly well to be coping with things as you are.

Having people to chat with; & to try & work through things is a good idea. If we can cope with what we are experiencing; then that is the main battle. To have people around us that are accepting, understanding, acknowledging, caring & supportive, is of immense benefit.

I can't seem to function off the med I was put on 12 years ago. I have stopped it 3 times; & have got progressively worse each time I have tried a withdrawal. A lot of this is a rebound reaction/withdrawal psychosis I think. But whatever it is I would rather stay on meds as a lesser evil for the time being. How I would love to be in the position of a med free recovery though. The issues I have are with appropriate close support for these specific issues.

The pattern is usually the same with me - increasing anxiety that leads to paranoia; that fuels a lack of seep - that cycles the anxiety. I get overwhelmed with things - sights, colours, sounds - it is like waking from a dream; which is accurate after being on anti-psychotic drugs for so long. I can very quickly go into a highly psychosed state; especially after a lack of sleep. These things however start while reducing the meds, & are bad very soon after stopping.

There are certain themes I get (when ill) with high technology (surveillance/bugs/satellites/mind control ect), also stuff around God & the Devil, people doing Voodoo on me, identity theft issues, & all manor of stuff.

The last time I was very unwell; I was convinced that some very dangerous criminals were coming into the house when I wasn't there - doing large scale drug deals from the flat, taking items of my clothing, committing horrendous crimes in that clothing, & then putting the clothing back in the flat. I ended up throwing away & getting rid of a lot of stuff. As well as this I was convinced that people were doing voodoo on me & turning me into a zombie. I also had complex themes about the end of the World & end of reality; that there was only a small amount of light/sunlight left before we went into a permanent darkness, & that I was part of a secret underground organisation, that was 'light-side' & connected to an advanced race of beings that had originally crash landed on the planet in a mother ship; while engaging in a cosmic battle with 'dark Aliens/beings'. I believed that I had become infected with some kind of Alien Virus; that I knew the location of the Mother Ship, & that we had lost this battle that we had been waging. I had what I can only describe as 'visions', & other stuff going on as well. It was terrifying.

It took a long time to recover for that last bout. The problem I see isn't with the subject matter of what I was experiencing - I can think about all that stuff & more. The issue is in how I deal & cope with it.

For me personally; I have gone into stuff, into subjects of surveillance, technology, Aliens, spirituality/religion, mind control ect. I try to challenge & question as much as I can; & have the attitude - 'it may or may not be happening; but so what if it is?' I do think that Occam's razor
can be useful here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occam's_razor

Summed up in a way by Sherlock - 'when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?'

I think it takes a very long time to recover from MH stuff & psychiatric drugs. It's hard, if not impossible to separate out long term med withdrawal effects from underlying issues; & dealing with both appropriately.

I suppose things like stress management, doing things to relax, sleeping & eating well, support from friends & family & finding psychological release & comfort all helps with things.

I have found one of the biggest helps with things is for people to simply non-judgementally acknowledge & accept my reality & experiences. I have had the most therapeutic help from people that have accepted the things I am experiencing, & then looked at ways they can assist me to deal with those things. There is this guide that may be of some use -

http://www.antipsychiatrieverlag.de/foreign/beyond-belief.htm

I do find it very helpful to talk stuff out. In doing so I often find perspectives & angles that I had never considered before. I do think it potentially possible to help someone psychologically work though psychosis.

You have done incredibly well with things; & in getting to where you are now. You can get through what you are experiencing now, & find ways of dealing healthily with it all.

If it helps to chat though it all here; then feel free.

 

[pinkmetalgirl]

THANK YOU much appreciated

Have been offline for a while getting my head together - but am back at work and studying (even tho I'm still struggling with the paranoia/voices - am managing to get to that state where I'm thinking 'ok, so this is my reality right now, how am I going to do the things I want to do in this reality'. Its helped to think what bugs me the most about the possibility of there being cameras/bugs in my house, and I've decided it's the privacy invasion. After being freaked out about it for quite a while I've decided to go along with it and let it happen. There's nowt I can do to change it right now, so if it's really happening there's no point in stressing out about it too much. If it is my paranoia, then it'll subside as I feel a bit safer in myself and chill out a bit.

The psych has got the rapid response team calling me to keep checking that I'm not beginning to 'lose insight', but I think they're reasonably satisfied that I'm doing ok. They'd like me back on the meds, but at the moment are accepting that I've chosen to try and deal with my experiences in other ways. I think as long as I can keep on top of it and look as if I'm 'engaging', it'll be ok

Tamasin Knight's Beyond Belief book is fantastic - a real breath of fresh air (and most importantly very VERY sensible).

Sleep deprivation has always been something that has hastened my descent in to full on psychosis - that and extreme anxiety and the overstimulation/sensitivity stuff you mentioned. Thankfully, I'm mostly managing to switch off at night and get some decent kip. I woke up with the voices a few times last week, which isn't the best way to start the day (wellbeing-wise).

Still, am getting there and definitely feeling better this week

Again, thanks for sharing some of your experiences too (and for the offer of support)

x PMG

 

[Apotheosis]

After being freaked out about it for quite a while I've decided to go along with it and let it happen. There's nowt I can do to change it right now, so if it's really happening there's no point in stressing out about it too much. If it is my paranoia, then it'll subside as I feel a bit safer in myself and chill out a bit.

Thank You very much for your appreciative reply too. I am very pleased to hear from you & that you are doing so well with things.

I do think that sometimes we are best to try & not resist things; to be as accepting as we can, & to de-stress as much as possible - especially over things that we can do little to nothing about.

The psych has got the rapid response team calling me to keep checking that I'm not beginning to 'lose insight', but I think they're reasonably satisfied that I'm doing ok. They'd like me back on the meds, but at the moment are accepting that I've chosen to try and deal with my experiences in other ways. I think as long as I can keep on top of it and look as if I'm 'engaging', it'll be ok

I firmly think that people should be fully supported in whatever ways they choose & wish to deal with their own mental health experiences. Sadly this support to do so is often lacking.

Tamasin Knight's Beyond Belief book is fantastic - a real breath of fresh air (and most importantly very VERY sensible).

Glad that you like it. Yes, it is helpful, sensible & practical.

Sleep deprivation has always been something that has hastened my descent in to full on psychosis - that and extreme anxiety and the overstimulation/sensitivity stuff you mentioned. Thankfully, I'm mostly managing to switch off at night and get some decent kip. I woke up with the voices a few times last week, which isn't the best way to start the day (wellbeing-wise).

Hopefully things will improve more for you.

Still, am getting there and definitely feeling better this week

Good.

Again, thanks for sharing some of your experiences too (and for the offer of support)

x PMG

That's OK - Glad to have been on some assistance. The offer of support is always there; as much as I am able. XXX

 

[antipsionic]

Thanks for the insight both of you into the effects that stopping meds suddenly can have on you, I had no idea about rebound psychosis until you guys mentioned it. I was going to go on a "meds strike" this week, as I'm starting to become disillusioned with the whole system, all it seems to have done for me is give me a label that is viewed with such fear and prejudice by the vast majority of society.

I turned up four days late at the CMHT to get my meds and saw a nurse who used to be my CPN who I always got on well with rather than the inexperienced person they usually get to do the depot clinics, she told me she thought I was over medicated and would arrange for me to see the Doctor to get them reduced.

I just wanted to say thank you to you both for the tips on a meds free existence.

 

[Apotheosis]

Thanks for the insight both of you into the effects that stopping meds suddenly can have on you

Very glad that you could get something from it all.

I do hope that they can reduce your meds; & help support you in your wishes.

Sadly, although most Doctors are very keen to place so many people on all these chemicals - they are almost totally uninterested as to how to get people off them. Almost all the side effects & withdrawal effects from drugs/meds; will be blamed on 'illness'.

 

[antipsionic]

Speaking frankly, it was the crisis team who upped my dose when I was making a bit of a nuisance of myself by phoning them regularly when I'd got myself in a bit of a state by struggling with day to day and social issues.

I was quite suprised when a mental health worker told me I was over medicated I thought there answer to everything was to dose somebody up. Anyway thanks for your support in my quest to get my meds reduced.