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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Strange, Undiagnosed mental condition.

R

Russell_2486

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
5
I am unsure how to finalize, in my own mind, what exactly is going on with me.
I have done my share of research regarding different mental disorders, but so many of these share the same attributes and symptoms that I am often vexed as to how anyone gets a final diagnoses.

To speak of voices, anxiety and violent ideation seems to be the going norm, but I find these descriptions vague and somewhat generic, if not entirely misleading, and you'll find that when I am describing my own mental condition I do not allude to these things very often.


Symptoms:

- Fear of certain situations to which I know the outcome

example:

In my current job, we are required to take a random 100% urinalyses every month or so. There usually isn't a whole lot of notice, but for such a simple bodily function this should not matter. Yet, to my utter anger and dismay, every time I am asked to urinate in the container (yes, someone is required to watch you) I either have great difficulty or fail altogether. This happens no matter how much water I have drank or how bad I have to go. This might sound laughable, but I cannot covey to you in words the humiliation and frustration involved with something like this.


- Frightened by own ability to manipulate others

I don't usually encounter someone who I cannot bend into my own favor. I often do this without even realizing it, and actions that would normally get other people severely punished are often overlooked. I believe that every personality has a social fail safe; a specific counter-personality that it really cannot dislike or scrutinize, as long as care is taken to do what the other personality expects. I have the ability to recognize what these are specific to each individual, then transform my own personality to compensate. This is my only means of self-preservation.


-Violent scenarios coupled with adrenaline

Often I will find myself fantasizing about violent acts, but once the thoughts have ran their course, I am completely disgusted with myself. Understand these fantasies usually involve me taking out social frustration on other people, and I would NOT act them. I would call for help before it came to that.


-Poor short term memory

I usually forget the same things every day, and this adds to my frustration level.

- Severe mood swings.

- Moments of extreme creativity or extreme dullness.

- Intense, vivid dreams and nightmares, often violent and childhood related.

- Hatred of society and predetermined social codes.

- Extreme self consciousness, sometimes so severe that I feel the presence and scrutiny of someone else (often my peers) when I am alone or going to the refrigerator.

- Stuttering

- Impulsiveness

- Poor interpersonal realtionships

- Unexplained memories and childhood events.

- Unable to maintain a definite personality.

- Angry outbursts

- Sexual frustration

- Periodic Self harm (no suicide attempts, just self inflicted pain)


These issues are serious, and interfere with my life and professional development. At heart, I am a good person and I love people, but these issues are swallowing me as time goes on.

I remember violent events in my childhood, but never recalled them until recently. It's as if my mind took certain periods of my life and locked them in a safe to which the code is hidden. I still cannot recall all the specifics, and what I did remember was due largely in part to a drug called DXM and it's many side effects, which include Spontaneous Memory Recall.

Your input and understanding is appreciated more than you will ever know and, as stated before, I believe myself to be a good person at heart and I really want the best for people.
 
shaun3210

shaun3210

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,805
Location
Up North
Hi Russell welcome to the forum :)

A lot of men have problems peeing in front of others, I would have issues myself and tend to use the cubicles in public toilets, unless there is nobody else at the urinal, so I wouldn't be to hard on yourself about that.

To be honest I don’t think it is possible to diagnose yourself, however what you have described reminds me off myself when I was in my teen’s and into my early 20’s.

I also suffered from a lot of frustration, mood swings, anger, self consciousness and did go threw periods of self harm and I know what a lonely place it can be.

I found it especially hard when I was trying to keep it under wraps at work and act “normal”, part of my coping mechanism was to keep people at arms length, so they couldn’t see too much of me when I wasn’t feeling very good.

I think you should go and see your GP, you need some professional advice on this I think.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi Russell

Shaun is right that a visit to the doctor is the best place to start. To be quite honest a lot of what you say sounds like a person being a person. The hazy and rose tinted view of normality doesn't actually exist.

Re your violent "fantasies" - did you know that a huge proportion of people who are in a long term relationship have fantasies that the other person will have a fatal accident and that the survivor will be released from the relationship that way. It doesn't mean that they will arrange a fatal accident or that they really want one to happen. Minds are complex, sophisticated, and a bit stupid.

Visit a GP, put your mind at rest one way or another and anyone would have trouble peeing with someone watching. It's bad enough trying to produce a sample when you're on your own in a cubicle.
 
R

Russell_2486

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
5
Since when is Stuttering, violent fantasies, and hearing a narration of ones own life considered a person being a person?
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Stuttering does not stop a person being a person - it certainly has never stopped any of the people I've ever met with stutters being well rounded people.

Violent fantasies only become a problem when they aren't recognized for what they are and are acted out. Very few people who have had a violent fantasy have ever acted them out - and that includes me.

Hearing a narration of your own life would still not stop you being a person, just a person who hears a narration of their own life.

What I actually said was To be quite honest a lot of what you say sounds like a person being a person not everything that you said was perfectly normal and acceptable. Only you and a suitably qualified medic can decide that.
 
R

Russell_2486

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
5
To be honest most people in the mental health profession I've encountered don't seem to have the slightest idea what I'm telling them.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
The original post is basically a list of what you feel sometimes. Anyone on here could write a list like that. Any so called normal person could write a list like that. I can't say whether you have a mental health problem or not or why you feel that you do have one. Diagnosis doesn't solve anything it just brings with it a whole host of other problems.
 
R

Russell_2486

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
5
Diagnosis is the first step to treatment.

I certainly don't feel normal, and why would my mind lock away traumatically violent memories so I couldn't recall them.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Diagnosis just maybe identifies a problem. Misdiagnosis identifies the wrong problem and there are plenty of people here who would be delighted to confirm how often misdiagnosis takes place.

The mind can disguise violent and traumatic memories, sometimes the things didn't actually happen as the mind is also quite adept at filling in gaps for itself. It has been proven in research that people can be quite easily led into believing that something has happened when it hasn't.

You say you remember these incidents from childhood but have just recalled them lately - are you saying you have a memory of them that's been with you through your life that you've denied or has this just suddenly happened?
 
R

Russell_2486

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
5
It took a large dose of DXM to shake loose the events, but it felt as if I knew about these things my whole life only I had suppressed them until that moment. Spontaneous Memory Recall is a proven side-effect of the drug, and there are a number of things about me that point to an event such as this. As I get older I remember more, but only snippets and I find myself questioning my own sanity. There are things I know to be factual, such as my father telling me to kill myself and brandishing a weapon in a threatening manner. My father himself was a victim of child abuse, and there is a history of sexual misconduct and physical abuse in his family.

I guess I need some advice on unlocking these memories. Is there any kind of related therapy?
 
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