R
Russell_2486
Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2009
- Messages
- 5
I am unsure how to finalize, in my own mind, what exactly is going on with me.
I have done my share of research regarding different mental disorders, but so many of these share the same attributes and symptoms that I am often vexed as to how anyone gets a final diagnoses.
To speak of voices, anxiety and violent ideation seems to be the going norm, but I find these descriptions vague and somewhat generic, if not entirely misleading, and you'll find that when I am describing my own mental condition I do not allude to these things very often.
Symptoms:
- Fear of certain situations to which I know the outcome
example:
In my current job, we are required to take a random 100% urinalyses every month or so. There usually isn't a whole lot of notice, but for such a simple bodily function this should not matter. Yet, to my utter anger and dismay, every time I am asked to urinate in the container (yes, someone is required to watch you) I either have great difficulty or fail altogether. This happens no matter how much water I have drank or how bad I have to go. This might sound laughable, but I cannot covey to you in words the humiliation and frustration involved with something like this.
- Frightened by own ability to manipulate others
I don't usually encounter someone who I cannot bend into my own favor. I often do this without even realizing it, and actions that would normally get other people severely punished are often overlooked. I believe that every personality has a social fail safe; a specific counter-personality that it really cannot dislike or scrutinize, as long as care is taken to do what the other personality expects. I have the ability to recognize what these are specific to each individual, then transform my own personality to compensate. This is my only means of self-preservation.
-Violent scenarios coupled with adrenaline
Often I will find myself fantasizing about violent acts, but once the thoughts have ran their course, I am completely disgusted with myself. Understand these fantasies usually involve me taking out social frustration on other people, and I would NOT act them. I would call for help before it came to that.
-Poor short term memory
I usually forget the same things every day, and this adds to my frustration level.
- Severe mood swings.
- Moments of extreme creativity or extreme dullness.
- Intense, vivid dreams and nightmares, often violent and childhood related.
- Hatred of society and predetermined social codes.
- Extreme self consciousness, sometimes so severe that I feel the presence and scrutiny of someone else (often my peers) when I am alone or going to the refrigerator.
- Stuttering
- Impulsiveness
- Poor interpersonal realtionships
- Unexplained memories and childhood events.
- Unable to maintain a definite personality.
- Angry outbursts
- Sexual frustration
- Periodic Self harm (no suicide attempts, just self inflicted pain)
These issues are serious, and interfere with my life and professional development. At heart, I am a good person and I love people, but these issues are swallowing me as time goes on.
I remember violent events in my childhood, but never recalled them until recently. It's as if my mind took certain periods of my life and locked them in a safe to which the code is hidden. I still cannot recall all the specifics, and what I did remember was due largely in part to a drug called DXM and it's many side effects, which include Spontaneous Memory Recall.
Your input and understanding is appreciated more than you will ever know and, as stated before, I believe myself to be a good person at heart and I really want the best for people.
I have done my share of research regarding different mental disorders, but so many of these share the same attributes and symptoms that I am often vexed as to how anyone gets a final diagnoses.
To speak of voices, anxiety and violent ideation seems to be the going norm, but I find these descriptions vague and somewhat generic, if not entirely misleading, and you'll find that when I am describing my own mental condition I do not allude to these things very often.
Symptoms:
- Fear of certain situations to which I know the outcome
example:
In my current job, we are required to take a random 100% urinalyses every month or so. There usually isn't a whole lot of notice, but for such a simple bodily function this should not matter. Yet, to my utter anger and dismay, every time I am asked to urinate in the container (yes, someone is required to watch you) I either have great difficulty or fail altogether. This happens no matter how much water I have drank or how bad I have to go. This might sound laughable, but I cannot covey to you in words the humiliation and frustration involved with something like this.
- Frightened by own ability to manipulate others
I don't usually encounter someone who I cannot bend into my own favor. I often do this without even realizing it, and actions that would normally get other people severely punished are often overlooked. I believe that every personality has a social fail safe; a specific counter-personality that it really cannot dislike or scrutinize, as long as care is taken to do what the other personality expects. I have the ability to recognize what these are specific to each individual, then transform my own personality to compensate. This is my only means of self-preservation.
-Violent scenarios coupled with adrenaline
Often I will find myself fantasizing about violent acts, but once the thoughts have ran their course, I am completely disgusted with myself. Understand these fantasies usually involve me taking out social frustration on other people, and I would NOT act them. I would call for help before it came to that.
-Poor short term memory
I usually forget the same things every day, and this adds to my frustration level.
- Severe mood swings.
- Moments of extreme creativity or extreme dullness.
- Intense, vivid dreams and nightmares, often violent and childhood related.
- Hatred of society and predetermined social codes.
- Extreme self consciousness, sometimes so severe that I feel the presence and scrutiny of someone else (often my peers) when I am alone or going to the refrigerator.
- Stuttering
- Impulsiveness
- Poor interpersonal realtionships
- Unexplained memories and childhood events.
- Unable to maintain a definite personality.
- Angry outbursts
- Sexual frustration
- Periodic Self harm (no suicide attempts, just self inflicted pain)
These issues are serious, and interfere with my life and professional development. At heart, I am a good person and I love people, but these issues are swallowing me as time goes on.
I remember violent events in my childhood, but never recalled them until recently. It's as if my mind took certain periods of my life and locked them in a safe to which the code is hidden. I still cannot recall all the specifics, and what I did remember was due largely in part to a drug called DXM and it's many side effects, which include Spontaneous Memory Recall.
Your input and understanding is appreciated more than you will ever know and, as stated before, I believe myself to be a good person at heart and I really want the best for people.
