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Strange morning

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dihahey

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Joined
Jun 24, 2021
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98311
I have really been struggling the past 6 months. Everyday is hard. I am in a toxic work environment and I am trying to get out but it's not easy. I struggle with what to do next. Maybe I should move, go into IT, go back to cosmetology, become a loan signing agent, start my own business, maybe I should sell my home and move back near family....

So much. I'm sad. Anyway, this morning I was driving to work. There was a car slowing down in front of me on the freeway and I imagined having an accident. I don't want to die but living is just exhausting.

I don't know.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
3,468
Location
California
Hi and welcome, I am sorry you are struggling.
My brother had a friend who lost his whole family including his twin brother when a lady crashed into their car intentionally. Please be safe and I hope you can find some support including here on the forum.
 
D

dihahey

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Jun 24, 2021
Messages
3
Location
98311
I'm so sorry. I would never do that but it scares me that the thought even crossed my mind.
 
M

Mistral

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Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
668
If you are having thoughts of death then you need to takes things carefully. A " toxic environment" at work is a bit vague, but I take it that you were dreading going to work. Are there any changes you can make that will make work "just work" and not something that you dread?
 
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bebernipes

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Apr 28, 2021
Messages
105
Location
France
Yeah, phases like that are very difficult, especially when the environment doesn't help. But, look, try to build up a support network, because then you will feel more secure to make whatever decision you need. Don't push your limits, but take one step at a time, talk to people who know you and whom you trust, ask for some opinions. Keep doing your best and stay safe!
 
D

dihahey

New member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
3
Location
98311
If you are having thoughts of death then you need to takes things carefully. A " toxic environment" at work is a bit vague, but I take it that you were dreading going to work. Are there any changes you can make that will make work "just work" and not something that you dread?
I think it is much more than just work that is contributing to my exhaustion. I feel like I need some huge life changes but I don't know what that looks like. I'm just so tired and sad.
 
HellRider

HellRider

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
61
Location
Montreal
I've been going through much of the same. Felt like I had life figured out, until I graduated from uni and wound up in customer service for a bank which I never really envisioned for myself. But then again I never really envisioned anything during studies. Sure I had ideas of going into historical research but never took the steps nor did anything to move towards that dream.

Thus, I graduated and am now in a job that all together isn't bad because of benefits + future opportunities. Doesn't stop the utter lack of motivation to do good work and the feeling of being trapped. Worst part is that if I managed to control myself and not freak out I could realize there are many options and that I wouldn't be stuck at this job. But in any of these low income wagie jobs I end up in I FEAR that I'll be working 25+ years there which isn't really the case, but can very well be the case if I don't calm the fuck down.

Easier said than done though, I feel much the same way you do where I feel I have 1 million choices to make and I'm not sure which one is best and what that huge change looks like.

One of the hardest thoughts I'm struggling with rn is for example I want to perhaps go study astronomy but anytime I think of going to look for an astronomy group just to try it out I seemingly lose all interest. And then I worry that I'm going to go through another 4 years of study, lose my purpose of being there / will to study (as seems to have been a consistent pattern in my studies since cegep), and simply end up wasting time and money to end up much in the same situation I'm in now. Then I wonder do I really enjoy astronomy? If I did, wouldn't I try to enroll myself in said group / reach out to alumni and do everything in my power to get into astronomy studies or even just learn? But it seems to be a recurring theme where I wake up one day to wanting to try something with a decent idea in my head that I would genuninly perhaps be happy at, end up losing track of that idea and simply going to school "tumble weed-like" to complete classes, not interacting, just going to do school work then coming back home to video game, and ultimately quit. As well if I really enjoyed astronomy, why is it only now that I've taken an interest? Why didn't I do some in childhood? Why didn't I ever invest in a telescope?

So then I wonder should I just move on with my life at this point? But what does moving on even look like? I'd probably have to do more studies to get a better job within the bank I currently work at, maybe get those studies subsidized. So I'd be interested in cryptography but see above paragraph and replace astronomy with cryptography. Where would I even live? I don't feel tied to any one place which is a double edged sword. On one hand I could move just about anywhere, on the other it doesn't narrow my choices and what if I end up choosing a particularly shit city? and then if I stick with the bank, what am I bitching about? I feel like such an idiot just telling my manager I'm unhappy working here to the point of depression and then I'm like "but nevermind all that Imma stay and work in a higher bank position lmao". and then I feel like I'm putting too much emphasis on the bank as if it's the only place I'll ever work at. I mean I don't even mind the concept of working at a bank, I just despise what banks have become: these giant multicultural machines that promote empty muh diversity over useful client oriented solutions or even workable systems to allow our employees to do their jobs / we'll educate our clients on their finances as some elitist self imposed mandate / we'll use dystopian credit scores to limit people's access to finance, good luck owning property if you fucked up your score at the age of 16

But sometimes I'm wondering if it's better to let all those thoughts go and just keep it simple stupid. Go buy condo, work in the way I see a bank should operate, get subsidized bank studies, move up within bank/use them for studies then ditch them.
 
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