'Stop feeling sorry for yourself'

[dewey]

What do you think when people say this to you?
When people say this to me, it angers me

 

[HLon99]

90% of the time, people say this because they haven't got any better advice to give, or they simply do not understand your point of view on something. That being said there is that 10% cases when you see someone who genuinely revels in their own self-pity. It doesn't happen often, but I have met a few people like this who get off on playing the victim card in a situation that they created and a (largely) at fault for. The reason for this tends to be a masochistic psychological defence mechanism for someone who has experienced a great deal of emotional pain in their life, that the only way they can cope with it is by going down that route.

I'm not saying you are like that, but that tends to be the classic source of that expression.

 

[dewey]

90% of the time, people say this because they haven't got any better advice to give, or they simply do not understand your point of view on something. That being said there is that 10% cases when you see someone who genuinely revels in their own self-pity. It doesn't happen often, but I have met a few people like this who get off on playing the victim card in a situation that they created and a (largely) at fault for. The reason for this tends to be a masochistic psychological defence mechanism for someone who has experienced a great deal of emotional pain in their life, that the only way they can cope with it is by going down that route.

I'm not saying you are like that, but that tends to be the classic source of that expression.

Yeah it's mainly they don't understand the emotional pain I am going through and how difficult stuff feels I guess. Like how powerless I feel. So they think I am pitying myself.
I don't view it as pitying myself, I view it as feeling powerless to help myself. Powerless to act.

 

[Nukelavee]

90% of the time, people say this because they haven't got any better advice to give, or they simply do not understand your point of view on something. That being said there is that 10% cases when you see someone who genuinely revels in their own self-pity. It doesn't happen often, but I have met a few people like this who get off on playing the victim card in a situation that they created and a (largely) at fault for. The reason for this tends to be a masochistic psychological defence mechanism for someone who has experienced a great deal of emotional pain in their life, that the only way they can cope with it is by going down that route.

I'm not saying you are like that, but that tends to be the classic source of that expression.

I agree.

We can also get so overwhelmed by our issues we forget we don't have to feel that way, we forget to even look for a way past how we feel. Which isn't quite the same as what Dewey asked.

 

[LORD BURT]

What do you think when people say this to you?
When people say this to me, it angers me

I do not feel sorry for myself, so their supposition would be false.

 

[dewey]

I agree.

We can also get so overwhelmed by our issues we forget we don't have to feel that way, we forget to even look for a way past how we feel. Which isn't quite the same as what Dewey asked.

People don't have much option in how they feel, actually. Feeling just more happens, people don't have much control over the things they feel. It's true you can look for a way past what you feel, I agree that much.

 

[LORD BURT]

People don't have much option in how they feel, actually. Feeling just more happens, people don't have much control over the things they feel. It's true you can look for a way past what you feel, I agree that much.

True. Good insight.

 

[Nukelavee]

People don't have much option in how they feel, actually. Feeling just more happens, people don't have much control over the things they feel.

Some do, some don't.

You feel like you feel, I get that. For me, it's not the same, not all the time. I can choose how I react to some things.

That what coping is - it's maintaining some amount of control over your emotions and how they affect your life.

that sort of goes back to the idea of "stop feeling sorry for yourself" being self inflicted. If you don't make yourself accept teh possibility you can exercise some control over how you feel, you'll never be able to do it. You can't simply sit and focus on how badly you feel, if you ever want feel better.

 

[Zoe1]

I agree feelings are very difficult things
and people are very glib about it

im aware that there are feelings I have ' mastered '
and feelings that I have not

the aim is to get to the point where you can ' sit with them '
Russell Brand was just talking about this in his latest video
about self help books

listening him talk about his feelings
has helped me to feel some of mine
when you can fully feel a feeling without acting on it
it means you are starting to ' own it '

 

[Girl interupted]

Some do, some don't.

You feel like you feel, I get that. For me, it's not the same, not all the time. I can choose how I react to some things.

That what coping is - it's maintaining some amount of control over your emotions and how they affect your life.

that sort of goes back to the idea of "stop feeling sorry for yourself" being self inflicted. If you don't make yourself accept teh possibility you can exercise some control over how you feel, you'll never be able to do it. You can't simply sit and focus on how badly you feel, if you ever want feel better.

I found I could only begin to choose how I reacted after my depression lifted. Prior to that I felt like my emotions controlled me. And I was just along for the ride.

Hated that feeling, am glad to have shed it. And I can only pinpoint that change happening shortly after I was diagnosed as no longer clinically depressed. God bless anti depressants.

 

[Nukelavee]

I actually started therapy before I was on any meds. I feel that actually taking action sort of precludes you being in a state where feeling sorry for yourself actually describes the issue.

If you are trying meds, or going to therapy, you aren't simply "feeling sorry for yourself".

Also - meds did help me, too, but I started therapy because I wanted to learn how to get some control.

 

[Girl interupted]

Well I did years of talk therapy too so I suppose the work done there contributed to the change.

I was trying to pinpoint when I gained the resiliency and it absolutely was within the months after I stopped being depressed. And that coincided with a year on the meds, too. Coupled with a noticeable change in mood when I forget to take them I guess I attribute a lot of the resiliency/not depressed to the meds

It's likely a combo of both talk and meds as you've suggested.

But man do I remember the days when it felt impossible to control my emotions and being really angry that people just didn't get it.

 

[Nukelavee]

I want to point out I'm aware there's a difference between not having control of your emotions, and not thinking you can have control. It's like in Spiderman, when Tony Stark says "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and don't do anything I would do. There's a grey area in there you work in".

IF you think you can't have control, you never will. If you consider that it is possible to gain some control, you'll be open to change/improvement when and if that chance arises.

I see my outlook as trying to push back the borders of the bleak zone, minimizing the periods where all you can do is wait.

 

[Girl interupted]

Yes but if you are in a place of weakness and fragility there honestly doesn't seem to be the option of choice.

I get what you are saying, that not trying becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but when you are in that dark black pit, it can often seem impossible. I have been there.

And no number of people telling you essentially to suck it up will change that.

You need to be in even a slight position of stability to even try. And that can only come through therapy and meds in my experience.

Bottom line, our brains and emotions can truly defeat us at times. And during those times we need compassion and support.

 

[Nukelavee]

Yes but if you are in a place of weakness and fragility there honestly doesn't seem to be the option of choice.

I think that still comes down to the individual. Or maybe it requires being able to remember if you've ever been able to come out the other side of a bad spell.

And no number of people telling you essentially to suck it up will change that.

Absolutely.

Looking back at my last bad spell, I know nothing I tried on my own, nothing I had learned, was helping me get control. But, at the same time, I was able to entertain the possibility that going to the Crisis Centre might help me get help.

Admittedly, I've always been big on manipulating events to set up situations where I trap myself into having to try a new tactic on myself.