Still here

blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Oakland, CA, USA
#1
Today I stayed in bed web surfing and watching “Dead To Me” on Netflix.

I’ve felt like shit the entire day. Partly b/c my period, loneliness, and depression.

I don’t understand how this world works or why I’m here.

I often feel that I’m not real, that I’m dreaming, or that all of my experiences are a test or simulation.

It’s hard for me to make sense of my life. I don’t know why I exist. I pray everyday for my life to end.

Honestly, I don’t have a reason to live. I’m alive today because I’m too afraid to take my life.

I’m just living waiting for my time to come.

My parents are alive and I have 4 living grandparents: maternal grandmother/grandfather, paternal grandmother, and maternal great-grandmother.

My maternal grandmother and great-grandmother are the only 2 ppl I trust. I’ve spent the most time with them and they have never done anything malicious towards me.

My mother on the other hand is my greatest enemy.

The hardest part about being alive is feeling alone. I feel like an outsider in each community I belong too. No one understands me, and no one is interested in wanting to understand me.

I feel disconnected from everyone. I laugh and smile sometimes, but I notice that I hate waking up in the morning.

Sleep is the closest thing I have to death. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, and feelings. No matter what I do, I’m wrong.

I feel foolish for each time I opened myself to others and showed them who I am. I’m ashamed for caring. I feel like I handed out little pieces of myself and got nothing in return.

I guess I just have to learn to live with this shame. It’s scary. I feel like there’s this consensus among all those we have experienced me that I’m this crazy, unworthy person, who is never going to be or do anything other than be crazy.

I think that’s a big part of why I want to die, because I believe it too, and I don’t want to live long enough for it to be true.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,001
#2
You need to establish some physical distance from the matriarchy. I remember you, I also remember you saying you felt you had no support with any of your family really.

If you keep immersing yourself in a group that offers you no support, you will not get better. You will just continually be reminded of your flaws, instead of your strengths.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy to get some minimal support, and get some physical distanced from the matriarchy, at least until you feel a bit stronger.

There is a strong, thoughtful, and wonderful person inside of you. You need to start surrounding yourself with people who see that too. Even if they aren’t immediate family.

Start with therapy. Do not tell your family. Then start to feel stronger, for you, and no one else.

Xo
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Oakland, CA, USA
#3
You need to establish some physical distance from the matriarchy. I remember you, I also remember you saying you felt you had no support with any of your family really.

If you keep immersing yourself in a group that offers you no support, you will not get better. You will just continually be reminded of your flaws, instead of your strengths.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy to get some minimal support, and get some physical distanced from the matriarchy, at least until you feel a bit stronger.

There is a strong, thoughtful, and wonderful person inside of you. You need to start surrounding yourself with people who see that too. Even if they aren’t immediate family.

Start with therapy. Do not tell your family. Then start to feel stronger, for you, and no one else.

Xo
Thank you.
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Oakland, CA, USA
#4
I took your advice. I finally found a therapist who accepts my health insurance. I’ve seen her about 6 times. So far, we’re getting along well. I do feel misunderstood by her sometimes, but I just have to work at expressing myself better. I’m also starting a outpatient program on July 15th while my therapist goes on vacation. I’m going to do my best to get what I’m feeling out and change some of my behaviors such as time spent on phone and dining out daily. Hopefully this outpatient program helps.
 
Shingle

Shingle

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
336
Location
These four walls
#5
Staying in bed does that to me, puts me in that mental state, so it is important to get outside in reality and not watch movies or read books that will bring you down to that suicidal place. It is easier to cope with those thoughts when sitting having a coffee in town or walking by a river. I have been there, i took an overdose to a movie once and also have taken them whilst listening to certain songs so they can be powerful when you are depressed. Depression rules are do this, don't do that. Do not stay in bed.

Do not stay in bed
Do not isolate
Get out
Open the curtains
Wash
Eat
Walk

it is hard, but you must do it.
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Oakland, CA, USA
#6
Agreed! It’s 10:46am my time and I’m still in bed. Having the hardest time getting off my phone. Gonna try to power my phone off by 11am.
 
Shingle

Shingle

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
336
Location
These four walls
#7
That is too late to stay in bed. I think 10:30 is a dangerous time for me to still be in bed. I set mine for 09:30am. I let myself nap in the afternoon if i need to, around 1pm but only for 55 minutes maximum.

Bed is for sleep only!
 

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