Standing at the bottom of the garden - in my dressing gown

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LittleMissTiny

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#1
I've just been standing at the bottom of my garden in my dressing gown, smoking a joint, staring into the black abyiss quite literally, wondering how things will ever be okay again. The poster child of sanity, no? What a fucking clichè I am. Then I text a friend, more like a sister, and she made me realise that everything can be okay someday, if I just start taking my meds again. I felt good and wanted more, higher, dizzying heights, but all I found was a mess of lies, deceit and hurt - for the people who love me and I claim to love, but I don't think I really know the meaning of the words with my actions. I don't know how I can possibly rebuild my life, all the while keeping a stiff upper lip, no not even that I have to act like I'm stable and happy. What the fuck does stable look like? What does happiness feel like? As my life is built on lies I can never truly know. Thank you for reading. Xx
 
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Nicola398

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#2
Well you are standing in your truth tonight Miss Tiny, just taking stock of where you are at is a journey
in itself.Maybe taking meds will bring clarity again, you gave it your best shot not taking them I assume.
Smoking a joint and staring at the night sky and stars will be making you feel the enormity of existence, the sheer space and enlargement that normally we don't feel in our shrink packaged small minded petty every day shape, maybe looking at the larger picture helps.The dizzying heights turned into the truth of lies and deceit, well still now you know about those lies and deceits, there is progression, the dizzying heights will be there for future suns, the light will come.It is going to be ok again!You can rebuild your life, each future step will be the way to learning what love is and what makes you happy,just live each moment giving it your all, it will work out fine,love is something you can always rely on,you will come to know what it really is, you will be ok,I promise.Just unpick the lies and start living your truth!NicolaX:hug1:
 
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LittleMissTiny

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#3
That moved me to tears. I'm not sure why exactly, there are too many reasons to pinpoint the exact the extraction of tears. I love your words, they flow so beautifully and wisely. You are wonderful xx
 
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SpaceTurtle

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#4
I don't know your diagnosis, but if you have a psychotic disposition smoking Marijuana may not be the best idea, especially if your use is frequent or heavy.

Medication may be a good idea if your doctor recommends it.
 
Grape

Grape

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#5
I found life really hard without meds. I needed to try it and see what happened, but i was always ill and my head was a mess and i was confused and bewildered all the time.
 
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LittleMissTiny

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#6
Bad things happen when I'm off my meds. I'm trying to hold on to that clarity. Xx
 
Grape

Grape

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#7
Clarity is exactly what i don't have when off meds. I hate taking them but have no choice i feel.
 
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bagpuss

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#8
Without my meds I would be buggered, I dont know much about alternative therapys nor do I want to risk trying them, I would rather trust my pdocs, I need meds and trained advice.
 
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Nicola398

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#9
Without my meds I would be buggered, I dont know much about alternative therapys nor do I want to risk trying them, I would rather trust my pdocs, I need meds and trained advice.
I think it is wrong and a completely powerless position to be in to trust a doctor completely.
 
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TiredTina

TiredTina

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#10
As you will all see, this thread has now been heavily moderated. Please do not resume the arguments otherwise it will be removed from the forum permanently and that would be very unfair on the op who was looking for support.
 
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