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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Spoke to someone today

Q

quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
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Wow! Got ugly-shamed a lot today!

On my way to work.
AT work.
And on the way back from the polling station.

It's basically whenever I am in a public setting.

Being out in the world!...Man!... It is just a constant stream of pure negativity. Unproved. Unprompted. It's about the only thing i can be sure of. I literally disgust people. That is something I find so hard to build into my self-concept. I am not a disgusting person and I would never, EVER talk to another human being the way I am spoken of.

Anyway, I spoke to a colleague at work today. He's a nice guy. I told him what has been happening to me every day for nearly 30 years which felt good. I was a bit wary at first, but he was fine with me talking about it. I have been hiding it for years. It's always felt shameful.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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It's good to talk about these things. Many people are kind and care and i can imagine are shocked and horrified that this happens to you.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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I meant 'unprovoked', not unproved.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Can I honestly ask people what I should do??

I mean, I don't think I can make it stop. If anything, it's getting worse.

What would you do if you were (and I'm using this term to give it 'solidity': it's more than a 'feeling', it's an event. Think 'fat-shaming', or 'race-shaming') 'ugly-shamed' multiple times a day?

Should it bother me?? Would it bother you??

Should I put my head in the oven and just end it all now??

Does being very ugly matter?? I mean, in the Grand Scheme of Things?? (I mean, I've been married and have two lovely children so, from a genes perspective, I've passed the Darwinian Test).

It seems it DOES matter (to a lot of people - mostly young, but not always) but I was raised differently.

Any opinion - no matter how extreme - gratefully received.

I am genuinely confused...
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Hey, quilteddown10, this is really hard to read, can't believe people are so heinous, but then again, can. There are always people (and they aren't happy people if they're so preoccupied with this stuff, even feel the need to say something) who will focus on a negative aspect of us and be horrible. I guess some "radical acceptance" (DBT skill) could be used, as you have no control over these people. People who feel the need to shame others are obviously having their own issues, and yes, the young can be particularly bad.

Should it bother you? No. Will it bother you? If you're like most people, yes. It's hard not to let that bother you. And it says a hell of a lot more about the people doing this than it does about you. I've been publicly shamed for my scars, and it never fails to amaze me how cruel people can be when feeling the need to do such things. For now, I'm trying to focus on Buddhist principles, I find those helpful, it helps minimise not only the superficiality of our looks, but also how little these things matter in the Big Scheme of Things. Those people are stuck in a "first life", they've learned little and show it. When you can get into a more spiritual state of mind, you can know that decent people and people who actually are "wise" do not focus on these minor aspects of life. It helped me a lot. I can kind of just blow them off like "OK, first life-er who just hasn't learned enough how little that stuff matters" kind of thing.

I hope you can look into it and help that ground you some. I'm really sorry you're facing this, but as I said, it shows a hell of a lot more about the people doing it than it does about you.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Messages
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Hey, quilteddown10, this is really hard to read, can't believe people are so heinous, but then again, can. There are always people (and they aren't happy people if they're so preoccupied with this stuff, even feel the need to say something) who will focus on a negative aspect of us and be horrible. I guess some "radical acceptance" (DBT skill) could be used, as you have no control over these people. People who feel the need to shame others are obviously having their own issues, and yes, the young can be particularly bad.

Should it bother you? No. Will it bother you? If you're like most people, yes. It's hard not to let that bother you. And it says a hell of a lot more about the people doing this than it does about you. I've been publicly shamed for my scars, and it never fails to amaze me how cruel people can be when feeling the need to do such things. For now, I'm trying to focus on Buddhist principles, I find those helpful, it helps minimise not only the superficiality of our looks, but also how little these things matter in the Big Scheme of Things. Those people are stuck in a "first life", they've learned little and show it. When you can get into a more spiritual state of mind, you can know that decent people and people who actually are "wise" do not focus on these minor aspects of life. It helped me a lot. I can kind of just blow them off like "OK, first life-er who just hasn't learned enough how little that stuff matters" kind of thing.

I hope you can look into it and help that ground you some. I'm really sorry you're facing this, but as I said, it shows a hell of a lot more about the people doing it than it does about you.
Thank you for your wise words.

Buddhism is attractive. I studied philosophy at university and immediately developed an affinity for the stoic pessimism of Schopenhauer. God knows, I fully understand the futile nature of the cycle of desire. But to quash desire can get you into a lot of trouble later on. Desire is the life-blood of human motivation.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
159
Location
UK
Hey, quilteddown10, this is really hard to read, can't believe people are so heinous, but then again, can. There are always people (and they aren't happy people if they're so preoccupied with this stuff, even feel the need to say something) who will focus on a negative aspect of us and be horrible. I guess some "radical acceptance" (DBT skill) could be used, as you have no control over these people. People who feel the need to shame others are obviously having their own issues, and yes, the young can be particularly bad.

Should it bother you? No. Will it bother you? If you're like most people, yes. It's hard not to let that bother you. And it says a hell of a lot more about the people doing this than it does about you. I've been publicly shamed for my scars, and it never fails to amaze me how cruel people can be when feeling the need to do such things. For now, I'm trying to focus on Buddhist principles, I find those helpful, it helps minimise not only the superficiality of our looks, but also how little these things matter in the Big Scheme of Things. Those people are stuck in a "first life", they've learned little and show it. When you can get into a more spiritual state of mind, you can know that decent people and people who actually are "wise" do not focus on these minor aspects of life. It helped me a lot. I can kind of just blow them off like "OK, first life-er who just hasn't learned enough how little that stuff matters" kind of thing.

I hope you can look into it and help that ground you some. I'm really sorry you're facing this, but as I said, it shows a hell of a lot more about the people doing it than it does about you.
It's interesting, your notion of 'first life'.

For years I intellectualised everything. I was good at it. I turned myself inside-out and back again.

As the dust settled, I began to realise (or, rather, believe) that the only reality was public reality. That is to say, to all intents and purposes, I am what others say I am. There is nothing else. Everything with value requires - or is a product of - public validation. That is the only value-system that can consistently work. It requires agreement.

So, rather than dismissing the opinion of others, I began to accept it. I began to see it as truth.The only truth. To dismiss it was to try and escape it. So, as a consequence, my entire sense of self-worth depended upon others. This was the result of reason, as I couldn't see any other way of grounding the truth of statements.

So, rather than dismiss others for being 'stuck' in a 'first life', I began to see that there was, in fact, no other life. No second life. Or, rather, a 'second life' is a manoeuvre within 'first life'.
 
J

Justwaiting

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Apr 20, 2021
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It's interesting, your notion of 'first life'.

For years I intellectualised everything. I was good at it. I turned myself inside-out and back again.

As the dust settled, I began to realise (or, rather, believe) that the only reality was public reality. That is to say, to all intents and purposes, I am what others say I am. There is nothing else. Everything with value requires - or is a product of - public validation. That is the only value-system that can consistently work. It requires agreement.

So, rather than dismissing the opinion of others, I began to accept it. I began to see it as truth.The only truth. To dismiss it was to try and escape it. So, as a consequence, my entire sense of self-worth depended upon others. This was the result of reason, as I couldn't see any other way of grounding the truth of statements.

So, rather than dismiss others for being 'stuck' in a 'first life', I began to see that there was, in fact, no other life. No second life. Or, rather, a 'second life' is a manoeuvre within 'first life'.
it sounds like you are saying maybe in some way you think they are saying something truthful just because it's said? But it may not be true at all.
Or perhaps something happened way back that's been triggered???

Perhaps then it hurts as you aren't happy about whatever it is and don't know how to solve it?

People all have vulnerabilities and failings at times.

I'm not agreeing with them, but any person can potentially have a situation happen when that can be said. I think there might be things online on self compassion which you could find helpful?

This is from how I've read and understood so if it's wrong and not helpful feel free to ignore.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
Messages
159
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UK
it sounds like you are saying maybe in some way you think they are saying something truthful just because it's said? But it may not be true at all.
Or perhaps something happened way back that's been triggered???

Perhaps then it hurts as you aren't happy about whatever it is and don't know how to solve it?

People all have vulnerabilities and failings at times.

I'm not agreeing with them, but any person can potentially have a situation happen when that can be said. I think there might be things online on self compassion which you could find helpful?

This is from how I've read and understood so if it's wrong and not helpful feel free to ignore.
I wish I could shrinkwrap it but I can't.

I have a deeply objectionable face and live in a society that bases a person's worth on this.

Every time I am seen, I provoke a reaction of disgust.

This is me trying to come to terms with it.
 
J

Justwaiting

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Apr 20, 2021
Messages
56
Location
Uk
Ouch. You're hurting / have struggled. 😟

I'm sure there's another way to look at this. I have things about me too.

Perhaps we could see what may help?

Maybe this weekend we could acknowledge in a safe place or at a safe time what's been happening? Silently or with a trusted loved one????

Whatever way feels right.
 
J

Justwaiting

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Messages
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Location
Uk
A past friend shared with me that something they did was practised being kind to all the parts of their body especially when they had been hard on it.

Their own experience was to over time learning step by step to speak kindly and act kindly
As a best friend.....thanking their body for serving them and having a conversation of sorts.

Maybe its helpful to write it out.
 
J

Justwaiting

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Apr 20, 2021
Messages
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Location
Uk
Ouch. You're hurting / have struggled. 😟

I'm sure there's another way to look at this. I have things about me too.

Perhaps we could see what may help?

Maybe this weekend we could acknowledge in a safe place or at a safe time what's been happening? Silently or with a trusted loved one????

Whatever way feels right.
I wish that I could go back and rewrite this! If it's ok, sending you a safe hug. Sent a pm.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
159
Location
UK
Ouch. You're hurting / have struggled. 😟

I'm sure there's another way to look at this. I have things about me too.

Perhaps we could see what may help?

Maybe this weekend we could acknowledge in a safe place or at a safe time what's been happening? Silently or with a trusted loved one????

Whatever way feels right.
I would dearly love to find another way to look at it.

I have wracked my brains and I'm utterly stumped by it.

I think if you actually saw me you would realise my problem.
 
J

Justwaiting

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Uk
You have shared that you've been married and have two lovely children...you are lovable and caring towards others...

I'm really sorry that things arent easy.
It's brave of you to be so honest. I apologise for any insensitivity ...sometimes misunderstandings too can happen online.

I'm guessing you might have shared with health professionals ?? If not, as just maybe there would be extra help it may be worth it, even if trying for a further time as I'm guessing that if it were me I'd want to check all options.
It's ok to ask for a second opinion.

Other than that, focusing on things within your control seems at least of some help.:hug:
 

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