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Zoe1

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why do you keep talking about a beast Ecliptic Night ?
 
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Zoe1

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Midnight very good at stopping other people from spiralling

just needs to not spiral herself

I here on email Midnights


:hug:
 
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EclipticNight

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why do you keep talking about a beast Ecliptic Night ?
I will explain, it's a bit odd. Back in school I was bullied relentlessly. It was really stressful and I was a really weak kid. In high school one day something snapped in my mind. Something was born. It's not it's own entity, it's part of me but I cant control it and it reacts on its own. Strong emotions are how it usually speaks to me, very rarely does it use words. So I have this piece of me with a mind of it's own and it was the response to the bullying. Its violent, sadistic and evil. If I cry at a death scene in a movie it's always laughing in the back of my mind. Because it does not speak and works on primal violent instincts I decided to call it a beast.

This piece of me can take me over and if it does so without me allowing it I black out. I can give it some control and my memories are more emotions rather than actions. Most of the time I cage it in my mind. After senior year I had no one to terrorize and hurt, i had little control and that year I became fear and it loved it. I feed its desire for violence with video games. It's not picky so long as something is being hurt. By feeding it, it stays quiet and I maintain control. After a few decades of practice and understanding I live fairly normal, very few times will I lose control. That's my beast.
 
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EclipticNight

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my bpd causes me to convince myself easily that i'm a bad person, that and childhood bullies teaching me that :(
I was bullied a lot. Daily. Eventually my mind split and a beast was born in me and it took control in senior year. Turns out they can learn fear. Broke bones, smashed heads in lockers, threw hockey sticks, even tried to throw someone out a window. I dont remember most of it, my friend always filled me in, I black out. That's a bad person.
 
Ghost_Owl

Ghost_Owl

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I will explain, it's a bit odd. Back in school I was bullied relentlessly. It was really stressful and I was a really weak kid. In high school one day something snapped in my mind. Something was born. It's not it's own entity, it's part of me but I cant control it and it reacts on its own. Strong emotions are how it usually speaks to me, very rarely does it use words. So I have this piece of me with a mind of it's own and it was the response to the bullying. Its violent, sadistic and evil. If I cry at a death scene in a movie it's always laughing in the back of my mind. Because it does not speak and works on primal violent instincts I decided to call it a beast.

This piece of me can take me over and if it does so without me allowing it I black out. I can give it some control and my memories are more emotions rather than actions. Most of the time I cage it in my mind. After senior year I had no one to terrorize and hurt, i had little control and that year I became fear and it loved it. I feed its desire for violence with video games. It's not picky so long as something is being hurt. By feeding it, it stays quiet and I maintain control. After a few decades of practice and understanding I live fairly normal, very few times will I lose control. That's my beast.
I can relate a lot to this. First I just want to express my sympathy that you have such a beast. I have my own that was instilled in me through my own experiences of a violent upbringing and street life. I think people who are brutalised can go two ways. They collapse inside of themselves and can become a living ghost haunting their own life, and become insular.

Or they become rabid and bite at everything as protective measure but that measure will even drive away the compassionate who see the hurt it is born from. Which result in becoming even more alone and hateful. I too had to cage mine and that was a hard fight. I think on some level we maybe soak up the violence of abusers and it becomes part of us, then taints who we would want to be. I also feed mine on video games or martial arts. Too sick for the more physical now sadly. The Devil May Cry series was my go to, at the moment it is Dying light.

The beast for me though is not entirely useless. I can tap into its rage and draw from it allied anger. I can channel that to protect others, even when exhausted. Especially in response to other abusive scenarios. I can find energy when I have none when something needs to be done. In a way it's like insulting the beast because I am twisting its hate and using it in love for others. I hope you too can find allied anger some day. You should be proud you manage it so well.

Sadly as long as abusers exists we will likely be left with a legacy of new beasts that go on to make more. Thanks for sharing.
 
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EclipticNight

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Orleans vermont.
I can relate a lot to this. First I just want to express my sympathy that you have such a beast. I have my own that was instilled in me through my own experiences of a violent upbringing and street life. I think people who are brutalised can go two ways. They collapse inside of themselves and can become a living ghost haunting their own life, and become insular.

Or they become rabid and bite at everything as protective measure but that measure will even drive away the compassionate who see the hurt it is born from. Which result in becoming even more alone and hateful. I too had to cage mine and that was a hard fight. I think on some level we maybe soak up the violence of abusers and it becomes part of us, then taints who we would want to be. I also feed mine on video games or martial arts. Too sick for the more physical now sadly. The Devil May Cry series was my go to, at the moment it is Dying light.

The beast for me though is not entirely useless. I can tap into its rage and draw from it allied anger. I can channel that to protect others, even when exhausted. Especially in response to other abusive scenarios. I can find energy when I have none when something needs to be done. In a way it's like insulting the beast because I am twisting its hate and using it in love for others. I hope you too can find allied anger some day. You should be proud you manage it so well.

Sadly as long as abusers exists we will likely be left with a legacy of new beasts that go on to make more. Thanks for sharing.
That's amazing, I thought it was unique to me. I too can draw on it to protect others I care for and animals especially. Due to a sleep disorder I had to pull lots of all nighters and drawing on anger kept me awake. My beast and I have a tenuous alliance at the moment. We learned to live with each other because it fears oblivion and I dont know how to live without it anymore. Your insights are 100% spot on for me as well. It feels good knowing I'm not alone and it feels terrible knowing someone else lives like I do. Our lives are strange.
 
Ghost_Owl

Ghost_Owl

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Sadly so buddy. Unfortunately I don't think we are all that rare in this. It is just people have a tendency to hide the ugliness inside. We just have to make the best of it and try and make amends for our regrets by being better people now. It sounds like we are both doing that. Pleasure talking with you.
 
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Zoe1

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thankyou for sharing Ecliptic

have you had any professional help with these thoughts ?
 
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natalie

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To help anxiety conditons and to manage better, I always listen to music, and also, taking 75 ml of Pregabalin twice a day.
 
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EclipticNight

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thankyou for sharing Ecliptic

have you had any professional help with these thoughts ?
Yep, I have meds and go to therapy. The meds keep me from slipping and the therapy is a great place to talk about this thing in me with someone.
 
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Zoe1

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Yep, I have meds and go to therapy. The meds keep me from slipping and the therapy is a great place to talk about this thing in me with someone
k that sounds good. Ive not heard from Sarah and am worried about her
 
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Zoe1

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I got the impression you knew her Ecliptic Night
 
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EclipticNight

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Nope, I dont know anyone from this forum. I'm in the USA, Sarah is in Egypt. With the way I am I'd of gotten her out had I known her. Really wish I could.
 
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