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E

electricsheep

Member
Joined
Nov 1, 2009
Messages
16
Hey all, I am hoping for very special contact with people who understand and can help.

I was diagnosed with sz 20 years ago and have had many relapses and suicide attempts. I am now lonely and isolate having had problems with booze and drug addictions. I have had to lose friends and am ow mostly sober and clean.

After another near suicide attempt last night I have made a few decisions. Firstly, I am paying for half an hour of private shrink time with a consultant instead of waiting 4 months on a waiting list and seeing a junior doctor. Does anyone have any experience of private treatment and any advice? I am hoping for a clear second opinion and a change to my medication. I take 7 different types of medication and the Olanzapine has had me very depressed for over 7 months.

I hope that other people can help with the next question. I live with ghosts! As well as sz I suffer with fear, guilt and shame of what I have done, the mistakes I have made and the suffering I have put my mother through (who has always been there for me as she is very special). Has anyone any experience of navigating through the waters of the demons of GUILT, FEAR and SHAME and REGRET for the actions, choices and mistakes made in life?

I think all this is what cripples me as well as having sz.I do not go out and live a very lonely and isolated life. I think people can hear my thinking and sufer from fears of life and people.

Hope that there are other people out there who have experience and have moved forward and can advise.

Many thanks,

E.S

'Better get busy with living or dying.':scared:
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Hello Electric Sheep

I've been diagnosed with Schizophrenia for six or seven years, I'm in my early forties now, though I probably had my first psychotic episode around the age of 20, but put it down to over doing drugs which I used to use a lot of. I've also had problems with alcohol and still binge on it, though until recently I hadn't had a drink for three months. I occasional have a dabble with street drugs but its very rare and usually reminds of the reasons why I stopped doing them wholesale.

I'm afraid I don't have any experience of private medicine though I do relate to what you said about seeing a junior doctor every four months.

I understand your feelings of isolation, I don't go out much and have very few friends, but then again most of the people I used to associate with I can't be bothered with since I pretty much gave up drugs.

As for past regrets, well most people have done things there not proud of, the thing is to learn and not repeat the mistakes of the past, though sometimes that's a little easier said than done, particularly when the balance of your mind is disturbed.

Anyone what I am trying to say your not alone in your problems and particularly on this board there are people who know how you feel.

Take care.
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
hello there yes yes and yes i can relate i spent time drinking and taking drugs and it is so good that you have managed to come off it and change friends its hard but you are worth it. get a CLINICAL phycologist who deos cbt therapy if you want to go private. but as regards to going out i have been doing exposure therapy over the last week (at the advice of my cpn) i walk in VERY small steps to say the garage then next time i go a bit furher they will teach you this in cbt and at the same time as hard as it is the more you do it the better it is. as regards to shame yes i have hurt my mother very much she now says sinse ive been a year sober this month i am a changed girl and that she has her daughter back my mum is very special too. i understnad your frustration at being on a waiting list its shocking isnt it! the past is the past so forgive yourself. but dont forget next time you want a drink remind yourself what happened last time and how you felt i dont know about you but i forget very quickly what its like to wake up hungover and regretful. keep posting here and be gentle and kind to yourself diddy:grouphug:
 
E

electricsheep

Member
Joined
Nov 1, 2009
Messages
16
Thanks All

Thanks for all your kind words and support. I have not tried CBT but am fearful of it as I am docs and hospital etc. I spent a few days on a psych ward on the moors and it was very scary and made me worse. As for the drugs and booze - Found it okay o get off the booze but the drugs are different. My thinking is that they have me on 7 different types of meds as after a suicide attempt I broke both my feet (the fall wasn't high enough). So I take painkillers ontop of the sz meds which Im sure are keeping me depressed as a chemical coche. Does any one have any suggestions on meds to keep well and not depressed?

Yes the main thing is my feelings of FEAR, GUILT, SHAME and regrets for all y past sins I have stolen, lied, cheated and more (Maybe just bad not mad). Through al this I have had a mum tat has always been there for me no matter what (I don't know why) As ihave made many mistakes - I have just come off a ket binge and I know its not good for myhealth but am determined to destroy myslf. On top of all this I have a gambling addiction (YES IM VERY FUCKED UP AND DESERVE NOTHING).

Wih the PRIVATE consultation I can only afford £100 for half an hour I need them the consultant to have a good picture of my health etc. before I walk through the doors so they can change my medication within the 1/2 hor. Does anyone know of the best med for sz that isnt a depression? At the moment I take:

ZYPREXA - 20 mg
Diaapam - 20mg
TRAMADOL -200mg
CO PROXAMOL - 20 mg
ZOLOFT (NOT SURE THE mg)

I still feel hope as I was an actor/writer and artist but haven't worked for 15 years and fear that.

How have yu all navigated the dangerous waters of FEAR, REGRETS sHAME AND GUILT - the demons and ghosts at 4am in the morning?

Here is one of my poems (I have written over 250!!).. Also wrote a novel and sevral theatre plays - but for the last 7 monhs have had no interests in anything as I'm clinically depressed.

Thanks you all. Take care. X

I WISH YOU PEACE, I REALLY DO.
I WISH LOVE TO RAIN DOWN ON YOU.
I WISH YOU WARM IN ANY STORM
AND FRIENDSHIPS THAT NEVER FADE.
I WISH YOU AGE IN GRACE IN ALL YOUR YEARS
AND ALL YOUR TEARS ARE FOR LAUGHTER AND HAPPY DAYS.
I WISH YOUR TIMES ARE BRIGHT AND BREEZY,
AND LUCK COMES WITH YOU EASY.
I WISH YOU GO TO SOME PLACES YOU NEVER KNOW.
I WISH YOU HEAR MUSIC IN ALL YOU SEE,
AND I WISH YOU ARE ALL THAT YOU WANT TO BE.
I WISH YOU FREEDOM IN ALL YOUR THOUGHTS,
AND SWEET VISIONS COME THROUGH THE DOORS.
I WISH YOU SHINE IN ALL YOUR TIMES,
AND CURIOSITY COMES EACH MORNING YOU WAKE.
I WISH YOU GIVE BACK ALL YOUTAKE,
AND BEAUTY IN ALL YOU MAKE.
ALL I WISH IS PEACE FOR YOU, I REALLY DO.
I WISH YOUR TROUBLES ARE AS LIGHT AS POLLEN FROM THE BEES.
I WISH, I I WISH ALL OF THESE.
I WISH YOU DANCE IN THE LIFE YOU LEAD,
AND LOVE FINDS YOU IF YOU BLEED.
I WISH, I WISH ALL OF THESE, I REALLY DO.
I WISH
PEACE,
BEAUTY,
LUCK,
AND LOVE TO RAIN DOWN ON YOU.
:unsure:
 
B

breaksandflows

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 17, 2009
Messages
95
After reading your post electricsheep, I empathize with your situation in so many ways. 10 years ago I was advised
that repressed emotions like guilt and shame are one of the causes of my problems. For example, when I'm in certain social settings
the guilt emerges which makes me feel Ive done something wrong and then I get depressed which causes me to make actual mistakes and
feel more guilty, its a vicious circle and because its so painful, I now try to avoid. I also gave up drink and drugs which I think
is the first step towards improving MH so congrats to you as I know its difficult. Its helped clear my mind so that I
can begin to reorientate myself in terms of thinking positivly instead of sometimes punishing myself.
When you mention fear, it seems a matter of differentiating between a fear of loosing what is good about yourself or a fear of
gaining what you might perceive as bad. Put all your focus and effort into preserving the Good things that you have in
your life both inside and out, which can dissolve the bad things. This might seem quite hackneyed advise but categorizing
your experiences, and then shaping to your advantage is a good place to start. Try and see the negative as an oppotunity to
reorientate yourself in making good.

All the best.
 
T

thomaz

Member
Joined
Jul 25, 2013
Messages
10
Hi! I was searching for problems related to guilt feelings which I have since I was a child. If you feel inferior to others,helpless and inadequate,I know what the feeling is.

In my case it was due to dysthymia and social phobia.When I was a child I had bad thoughts about my mother forexample and I had to tell her otherwise it would torture me until making me put it out of my chest.

When I grew up it got worse and if the problem was something embarassing it would make me feel the same again.In general it´s a very low self steem.It´s very hard cause you feel embarassed by past things and end up feeling inferior.Anyway,we have many people who suffer from it and have all kinds of traumas.We can´t be deceived thinking this world is marvelous,cause on TV it seems we were supposed to be living in heaven right now,which is not true.

I remember thinking I was wasting my life,isolated and I should be happy with no problems.It makes the problems worse if we think the world is a paradise and we are not a part of it.But it´s not true.

You must regret but do not feel ashamed of yourself,it´s hard,I know.But in the end nobody is worth the feeling of guilt but the ones who really love you.You mentioned your mother for example.

You are going to a therapy,etc I went to psychiatrist and took many medicines...I don´t wanna fool you,this problem is not only about pills,this is a spiritual thing too and I know when we fall we notice what this world is about.

I believe now in the Creator,but now I learning it from the jews who accepted the Messiah,the Son and not this Roman jesus who abolished the Laws and is being taught in christianism created 3 centuries after the coming of the messiah.This one is fake.I´ll leave some links that helped get out of the matrix.People worked a lot to make us believe in scientific lies,religious lies that distort the thruth.

Generational Iniquity part 1 & 2 (hereditariety,sins that affect our family through 3 or 4 generations)

Megiddo II: The New Age or The Lie of the Serpent (This is a very good documentary you won´t see on tv,but remember,Yeshua,the real jesus didn´ abolish the Law)

Check those.We helped a lot.Don´feel alone,you are not alone in it altough we are tricked into think we are.If we have problems we are in the right place,this world.We can´t be taking pills forever to find out solutions,it takes time...I a trying ti stop it too.I stopped taking one of them.But we can´t do it overnight.

The best of lucky to you!
 
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