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Sorry if this is disturbing.

  • Thread starter Darknesssdaughter
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Darknesssdaughter

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Nov 2, 2019
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Italy
For those who had trauma,
Something that we don't talk often about:

Do you fantasise often about killing your abuser? I do. I want to stop this and focus on other things but I can't. I also have such an intense focus on it and high energy. I have many others plans for revenge so I won't feel guilty for killing another human being or to not feel I'm like them.
Just want these fantasies of revenge out of my mind, it doesn't worth my time thinking about them, but it feels out of my control.

I had rape, kindnape, someone tryed to kill me and also to much narcissistic abuse. I know some disagree about this last one as a cause of trauma but belive me, when they re always angry and screaming saying they are going to kill you, punish you for things that you have not done, calling you the worst names in the world etc etc (I don't remember everything) this can lead to trauma. And you re alone isolated I forgot. They don't allow you to eat, to sleep and to bath..
 
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Darknesssdaughter

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Nov 2, 2019
Messages
362
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Italy
Why did I posted it?
I feel like crap
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

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Jan 22, 2012
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It's not uncommon @Darknesssdaughter I the person who abused me sexually died when I was still a child but I carried around a lot of hatred for the mental and physical abuse from my mother and stepfather, eventually I learned to let go of that anger and forgive them all as it was eating me up and when I let go of it I stopped carrying around the shit they had put in my head that had been there for over 40 years. The Buddha said carrying around anger was like swallowing poison and expecting the person who you are angry at to die, for me letting go was a relief from that burden, however, YMMV.
 
qwynie Rose

qwynie Rose

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Dec 3, 2019
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Scotland
I used to think about hurting my abusers, til someone helped me realise I'm only hurting myself by letting the hate and anger eat me up. So I chose to forgive. It doesn't mean I've forgotten or will ever let our paths cross again to let them hurt me again, I simply refuse to let them continue having power over me from a distance.
 
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Darknesssdaughter

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Nov 2, 2019
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362
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Italy
N
I used to think about hurting my abusers, til someone helped me realise I'm only hurting myself by letting the hate and anger eat me up. So I chose to forgive. It doesn't mean I've forgotten or will ever let our paths cross again to let them hurt me again, I simply refuse to let them continue having power over me from a distance.
Wouldn't that be sweet? To not be angry?
Eat me, drink me, digest me anger I'm trash. I know
 
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Darknesssdaughter

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I forgot, thank you both for giving me hope that things can get better.
 
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Jezabella

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Dec 14, 2019
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Location
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I have never told anyone this but when my narcissistic abusive partner ditched me I hounded him with calls and I was totally and utterly psycho for a good month. I finally stopped when he text me photos of my mums work and said he was going to go there and shoot her (not because of me ringing him because I wouldn’t meet him for sex- I hadn’t wanted to have sex with him for a huge portion of our 9 year relationship following a violent rape.... about 4 years in so for the other 5 I had someone basically raping me every night and I mean EVERY night and pretending Not to notice When I lay in silence not moving and crying, he also gave me and STD that led to PID and ovarian scarring because he was sleeping around the entire time and I can’t have children which was difficult for me as I love children and work with them but said I didn’t want one as his father sexually abused his sister and I know I would have to submit to having my child around him and my ex had also used the dog he bought me as a tool to manipulate me into chasing around after him and making sure I was unable to leave him. Shortly following discovering this he got someone else pregnant. Once he had a child he would get to ME to babysit his child so he could sleep around and would criticise my care despite the fact that I genuinely loved his child and would protect her from seeing any of HIS disgusting behaviour. Since then I often find myself wishing him a bad life or hurt which doesn’t sit well with me and makes me feel like a terrible person..... we have a lot of mutual friends and he used to live with my new partner so I am terrified I will bump into him at some point and constantly prepare myself for this
 
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Jezabella

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Dec 14, 2019
Messages
154
Location
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I used to think about hurting my abusers, til someone helped me realise I'm only hurting myself by letting the hate and anger eat me up. So I chose to forgive. It doesn't mean I've forgotten or will ever let our paths cross again to let them hurt me again, I simply refuse to let them continue having power over me from a distance.
This is so helpful to read! I hate that it takes up so much of my brain space and my whole life I have been a very forgiving person...... that he didn’t WANT forgiveness is probably part of why I was hounding him.... he just point blank failed to acknowledge half of his behaviour and the rest was my fault.... he beat me up in public just before we split up and I think that is why he moved on.... he could no longer keep up his persona of the perfect boyfriend madly in love with a slightly erratic ‘liar’. I can however chose to GIVE forgiveness
 
fazza

fazza

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Jul 23, 2014
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U.K
I visited mine in prison........That was a weird day but seeing a sad pathetic not human who was now scared for his own safety (from fellow prisoners).
I must admit that it gave me a huge grin on my face during the train ride home. Not quite closure but I kinda put things into perspective..

I could bring charges of my own against him but at this moment in my life I am OK.

Its good to know that I now have the power over him but to be honest having power over something so pathetic is kinda pointless in itself.
 
J

Jezabella

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Dec 14, 2019
Messages
154
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Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
I visited mine in prison........That was a weird day but seeing a sad pathetic not human who was now scared for his own safety (from fellow prisoners).
I must admit that it gave me a huge grin on my face during the train ride home. Not quite closure but I kinda put things into perspective..

I could bring charges of my own against him but at this moment in my life I am OK.

Its good to know that I now have the power over him but to be honest having power over something so pathetic is kinda pointless in itself.
That was brave of you x I am OK is a good place to be!
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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On The Train
My father who molested me died when I was 10. He actually had a heart attack in front of me. Emergency services came, and yelled at me to get out of the room. I was just standing there not knowing what to do while he was dying. I didn't know what to do! I was a kid. I forgive myself for it now. It was horrifying at the time but I felt later on that it was God showing me there was justice. I am glad he died because he was unstoppable. We had actually gone to court with other family members who said accused him of molesting me but I was told by my mother to lie to keep the family together - really because she didn't know how she would support herself :hankie:and I was stuck with the horrible monster, but he died.
 
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Jezabella

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Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
My father who molested me died when I was 10. He actually had a heart attack in front of me. Emergency services came, and yelled at me to get out of the room. I was just standing there not knowing what to do while he was dying. I didn't know what to do! I was a kid. I forgive myself for it now. It was horrifying at the time but I felt later on that it was God showing me there was justice. I am glad he died because he was unstoppable. We had actually gone to court with other family members who said accused him of molesting me but I was told by my mother to lie to keep the family together - really because she didn't know how she would support herself :hankie:and I was stuck with the horrible monster, but he died.
I am so sorry that happened to you, you were so young and had all that happen to you. The people who should have loved and protected you took from you without your permission and that must have been scary. The whole experience of your stepfathers heart attack and feeling glad that toxicity is taken away from you is a lot to handle too...... I sat in hospital once with my ex (said he had tonsilitis, even argued that was why he was there with a nurse. really he had drunk so much on a blackout bender his liver was failing) and I wanted so much for something to go wrong then I felt so bad for thinking that I ended up letting him come and recover at my house...... one of the many times I had escaped and let him back..... I can’t imagine how I would rationalise it if he had actually died because I would have been so bloody glad!
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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I felt for a long time because I prayed for him to die so many times that when he finally did that it was my fault. I saw a scene from the movie "Sybil" (abused child who grew up and had issues) where Sybil felt guilty about hating her parents but her therapist said, if all children's thoughts came true, all parents would be dead... I thought that was interesting. I felt guilty for such a long time with him dying but I see now that I am not able to control the world with my thoughts sometimes Hahah. When you are younger it makes sense because you don't know much. You take guilt upon yourself, especially when you are very young. You may think that the abuse is all your fault somehow because of the primitive reasoning. Now I look back and I see that I had all that guilt because I wanted control somehow but when you are that young, it's not your fault at all.
 
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Jasbo

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Dec 26, 2019
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UK
These kind of reactions are perfectly normal for someone who is a survivor. Obviously there are differing degrees of reaction depending on the trauma suffered and the make up of the sufferer. My ex wife was a survivor and had a history of severe abuse. There were many times she wanted to kill the perpetrator intertwined with love also for the relative. This caused lots of confusion and distress. What you have gone through and are still going through is huge, so please don't be too hard on yourself, try to recognise that anyone suffering what you did would have tons of anger. There's a great line in a justin currie song which says "They say that time's a healer, but its a murderer todoy"......That's just how you can feel but time does give you distance, distance gives you new perspectives and new perspectives can heal and help you to cope better.
 
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