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Sooooooo confused ... advice please?!

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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Hello there,

I've been on mood stabilisers & an increased dose of anti-depressants for the past 10 days. Now I'm starting to feel as though they may be working, still more bad days than good ... sometimes I still feel very severely depressed, sometimes just flat and feeling nothing and occasionally a sense that I am actually beginning to feel okay again. The problem is every time I even feel a smile start to creep back on to my face I get in a panic that I'm going to go in the opposite direction and start worrying.

Also, when I do feel okay, like today, I start to feel really quite overwhelmed by the events of the past year and where I find myself now. I have completely shattered a wonderful friendship and have to accept now that it is utterly beyond repair. I feel so awful about it as if I'd been able to keep myself in check and not repeatedly email and text crazy nonsense it possibly could've been salvaged. I realise there's no way back, I can't magic all those things away but it feels very hard that the minute I start to feel like I might be getting back to normal I then have to face up to all the mistakes ... and the lost friendship is just one of many things that elicit a sense of shame, embarassment and remorse in me.

I absolutely can't live with the chaos and extremes of being unwell but equally I feel scared that I now have to pick up the pieces. I know tomorrow I could be feeling down again but I really want to regain control of my life and for me that means finding some way to resolve the feelings I have about the things that have happened.

I just really don't know what the way forward is. I'm not 'happy' to be on medication but accept that that's the way it is for me now but the emotional impact of my actions seems insurmountable. And it's so hard to explain to anyone how very real thoughts and feelings are when ill, but how transient they are - my former friend was so angry about many things including the contradictory nature of things I'd say. Maybe it's best I don't remember them all but then I know he doesn't believe me about that either!

I wondered really how anyone else had coped, if anyone else feels this way looking back at periods of illness? :confused:
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but I tend to find that when I'm feeling relatively normal that the details of what happened when I was ill are very blurred. Yes there are some things I remember and still feel quite embarrassed and ashamed about, and I don't know if it's any consolation to you but it gets easier with time. I too have lost great friendships through my illness and think I may well on the way to destroying another, again through texting and emailing. :redface: :oops:
 
J

jekel1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2009
Messages
123
Location
bradford west yorks
i know xx

i know how you are feeling x i have smashed friendships in two mainly by trying to have sex with them, yes i cant believe i did that either but that wasnt me it was teh bi polar , i know it sound rubbish but we have to move on the friends who desert you after your behavior arnt your friends xx:grouphug:
 
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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
A lot of it is a blur for me too ... unfortunately technology makes it so easy for me to just churn out the ramblings of my mind uncontrollably yet I always seem to have the ability to delete immediately upon sending ; ) I suppose it spares me some blushes as I imagine a great deal of the things I've said are excruciating on lots of levels!!

I have to say though, the one friend in particular was extraordinarily tolerant of me and I know I pushed him beyond the limits I could reasonably expect from anyone. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of communications from someone in a state of mental distress as my mum has had unipolar depression for years ... there have been several occasions when I have wished I could sever all ties with her, especially as depression can make one extremely self-centred and can also easily be interpreted as the worst kind of self-pity by someone who is normal. I think that adds to my shame though since I know how frustrating. time-consuming and exhausting it can be to have someone with mental health issues in one's life.

I'm not the kind of person who can easily forget about things and move on though and desperately need to find a way to forgive myself and make peace with it all. I've been through some many emotions the past few months; denial, grief and finally acceptance of being ill but the answer to accepting the mistakes and damage done still elludes me.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I had one particular friend who was also extremely tolerant of me as he'd been there himself, probably far worse than I have. I loved him to bits and he was really good at stopping me from making indiscreet choices shall we say, either with him or anyone else. The only problem there was that I lost him to cancer almost exactly a year ago. :(

My current confidant is much much younger and has trouble dealing with my changing moods and certainly gets spooked when i start texting and emailing! He is really quite tolerant though and I think he's quite fond of me.
 
B

bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
I'm so sorry to hear that trombone babe. That must have been dreadful to lose someone so important.

I don't want to sound insensitive given the anniversary of your friend passing but I wondered how you felt when getting to know someone new? I know I need to focus primarily on getting better right now but I think sometimes about making new friends, or even trying to develop closer friendships with more distant friends. It worries me that I might overwhelm someone or that they might not respond well were I to come clean about bipolar. And I really don't think I could bear to drive someone to the point of calling me a stalker again!

Gosh, I really do feel so sad for your loss though, I can't imagine what that must've been like.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Jul 15, 2009
Messages
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Location
Kent
What happened with me is that I got close to someone I already knew through my music, I don't really have any friends outside that network. I started by talking to him and others about my loss and it developed from there.

Incidentally, I don't make any secret of my depression within my network so I don't have that to worry about when someone new joins. Us musicians can be a weird lot anyway!

I had a long time to prepare for my friend's passing and although it hit me hard at first, the pain has mostly gone now. I still think of him every day but it doesn't hurt, I think of the good things, sometimes think 'if he were here he'd know what to do', that sort of thing.
 
K

kris12345

New member
Joined
Sep 23, 2009
Messages
4
so its not just me that obsessivley texts/phones/emails i just assumed it was because i was impatient? Ive pushed alot of people away that way, especially as im so open with people i just dont seem to have a good sense of judgement and im not very good at seeing consequences in the future of my actions.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
so its not just me that obsessivley texts/phones/emails.
Nope :redface: I'm normally quite patient but when it comes to that particular person I'm like a person possessed. :scared:

im so open with people i just dont seem to have a good sense of judgement and im not very good at seeing consequences in the future of my actions.
That sounds exactly like me.
 
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