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Soo depressed

S

sadangrypanda

New member
Joined
May 16, 2019
Messages
1
Location
London
Right now I just can’t stop crying, I don’t open up it makes me feel so uncomfortable to let people know what is happening with me even when I do its like a part inside my brain is screaming ‘ just shut the fuck up! No one cares blah blah blah, I hate my own feelings I hate feeling like I can’t cope I hate myself I hate my self I hate myself I hate myself, I just want it all to go away all the stress, all the responsibility life

I’m a Carer for my son and I’m struggling I’ve had depression for a long time. It was all of a sudden I was 6-7 and how I felt just changed, it got worse when I got older and things just keep knocking me, taking away little bits now but escalated after the birth of my children I’m broken and I cry for hours in bed. Struggling to keep up with my life.

Some days I daydream about ending it
Sucidal thoughts can be so extremely complicated
I’m not afraid just mad at myself for not doing but also guilty for wanting to almost hopeful that I just don’t have to be one day I don’t have to be me or deal with a stupid sadness that’s so overwhelming and it just takes your whole identity It becomes easy to want to die when your not yourself anymore physiologically it’s torture having to fight to live everyday when all you want to do is die and it seems so tempting for me but I then I think what effect it would it have on my boys and the guilt and self losthing festers more I hate myself

I’ve tried to end it a few times
I’ve had suicidal thought on off as on as I’ve had depression not everyday is the worst I think that makes it hard for someone to help and to ask for help and it’s not an illness you can see you feel like you almost having to doubt yourself too
If I’m honest I’m resentful for not dying
Because It’s feels worse ,more scary, I have to do it alone, I hate myself, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate that I have no control no say I feel abandoned, lost, I’m just going to suffer until I die anyway
 
Last edited by a moderator:
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Hi, lets put the breaks on a bit here, you're unwell and treating yourself bad too. It's not your fault you have depression it's an illness, you certainly never asked for it and certainly don't deserve it. You need to get some help and support, i can under you're frustrated and angry but you're a human being trying your best in a hard situation so don't be so hard on yourself
 
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