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son's abusive father wants contact, not sure how to deal with this

sahasrara

sahasrara

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Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
414
Location
Dorset
My son's abusive father wants contact now after years of telling him to go through court. He's 6 now, when he was 2 his took him half way across the country and then his dad came back with 2 black eyes and bleeding on the brain due to a head injury cause by his brother in a fight apparently over my son. My son was out of character quiet for a week after, not sleeping , clingy and defiantly out of character.
At that point I stopped all contact. Only reason he had contact in the first place was because social services decided that after being on a child protection order for 2 years that everything was suddenly fine and closed the case. Anyway suddenly he wants contact. I've had a mediation letter through. Mediation that he gets free legal aid as he's sat at home on benefits doing drugs all day with his gf ( gfs sister confirmed this) but due to the fact my partner works and I work, we are not entitled to legal aid.
Not sure what I'm supposed to do. My son has blossomed into a wonderful boy under the guidance of my partner who has taken him on as his own. As much as I want my son to know his sperm father, I dont quite simply. I moved away from the violence and completely cut him out of my life and everything is a million times better and I don't want my son being dragged into that world. The gf has kids, one is now 19 and living with them and addicted to the drugs they take.
Another aged 11 lives with his dad to stop social services taking him and younger brother into care and he is refusing to see his mum now due to their drinking and drug taking infront of him.
I want to do right by my son and I want to keep him safe and give him the best chance in life.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
My son's abusive father wants contact now after years of telling him to go through court. He's 6 now, when he was 2 his took him half way across the country and then his dad came back with 2 black eyes and bleeding on the brain due to a head injury cause by his brother in a fight apparently over my son. My son was out of character quiet for a week after, not sleeping , clingy and defiantly out of character.
At that point I stopped all contact. Only reason he had contact in the first place was because social services decided that after being on a child protection order for 2 years that everything was suddenly fine and closed the case. Anyway suddenly he wants contact. I've had a mediation letter through. Mediation that he gets free legal aid as he's sat at home on benefits doing drugs all day with his gf ( gfs sister confirmed this) but due to the fact my partner works and I work, we are not entitled to legal aid.
Not sure what I'm supposed to do. My son has blossomed into a wonderful boy under the guidance of my partner who has taken him on as his own. As much as I want my son to know his sperm father, I dont quite simply. I moved away from the violence and completely cut him out of my life and everything is a million times better and I don't want my son being dragged into that world. The gf has kids, one is now 19 and living with them and addicted to the drugs they take.
Another aged 11 lives with his dad to stop social services taking him and younger brother into care and he is refusing to see his mum now due to their drinking and drug taking infront of him.
I want to do right by my son and I want to keep him safe and give him the best chance in life.

Hi,

request the courts to only allow visitation when they supply clean drug tests

I'm not sure if this can be or is done regularly in UK

But they can do it here

No clean urine (of course, there wont be) = no unsupervised visitation, The End.

Also you now have people who will be Known to the System in your exes life, this will be considered in a court.

If you took your son to the doctor when he returned unwell from his dads, you have those records.

All will build your case to stop Unsupervised Visitation. Don't even try to stop Supervised Visitation, they even get that in prison.

I know it sucks it's absolutely horrible xx Get a good lawyer, and make sure they do as you instruct them to do.

Theres loads of support for parents in your position with the courts and abusive exes so go looking for it and use it

Oh and remember

what your son sees you do will print on his brain for the rest of his life

So try to be calm and positive at all times even if you have to go and cry in the toilet

All the best

its a hard road

but you can win this one hands down

BDU
 
sahasrara

sahasrara

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
414
Location
Dorset
thankfully my son has never been directly physically hurt by his dad ( that I know of) but he has been in bad situations and come home with bad things, like stinking of smoke, joint ends in his folded up pram, caught him driving without him in a car seat at 2 years to name a few, I spoke to the health visitor at the time about my sons mental state when he returned from the trip so I hope she recorded it.
I realistically can't afford mediation or the next step of court. what you have suggested about drug tests is 100% the way I have already planned to go, even a hair test to show the full extent of his drug use and addiction but he is the sort of person to shave his entire body if a hair test was requested. the drug testing would be also for everyone that lives in the house so the gf, and the kids.
My first responce was to refuse mediation. we did it before a couple of years ago. but my partner is worried about the cost of solcitors and courts, realistically we cannot afford it. we struggle every month as it is. It's causing arguments already, he suggested sorting contact without courts or mediation, I refused.
as a victim of domestic violence from my son's father I may be entitled to legal aid but from what I can see online in government websites, it has to be recent ( within 2 years) so I dont think we will qualify and with our income I don't think we will qualify anyway. I want to protect my son and go through courts and drag everything up I can find to protect my son but I don't no how I'm supposed to do it without the money
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
thankfully my son has never been directly physically hurt by his dad ( that I know of) but he has been in bad situations and come home with bad things, like stinking of smoke, joint ends in his folded up pram, caught him driving without him in a car seat at 2 years to name a few, I spoke to the health visitor at the time about my sons mental state when he returned from the trip so I hope she recorded it.
I realistically can't afford mediation or the next step of court. what you have suggested about drug tests is 100% the way I have already planned to go, even a hair test to show the full extent of his drug use and addiction but he is the sort of person to shave his entire body if a hair test was requested. the drug testing would be also for everyone that lives in the house so the gf, and the kids.
My first responce was to refuse mediation. we did it before a couple of years ago. but my partner is worried about the cost of solcitors and courts, realistically we cannot afford it. we struggle every month as it is. It's causing arguments already, he suggested sorting contact without courts or mediation, I refused.
as a victim of domestic violence from my son's father I may be entitled to legal aid but from what I can see online in government websites, it has to be recent ( within 2 years) so I dont think we will qualify and with our income I don't think we will qualify anyway. I want to protect my son and go through courts and drag everything up I can find to protect my son but I don't no how I'm supposed to do it without the money

If it were my son I'd find the money even if I had to live on spuds for the next 6 months

A good lawyer is just a mouthpiece that presents things properly on your behalf, no more.

So you can keep costs to a minimum by doing whatever you can yourself, including preparing something for the case - a written statement of your concerns and precisely what you request in regards to drug testing etc.

Then, all you need do is pay for the lawyer to stand in court on your behalf

a couple/few hundred $$$ and a lot will let you pay on drip feed

lawyers needn't cost the earth

you can probably get free phone advice at the very least

downunder they usually give you the half hour free - you go in, present your Problem, they give their advice for nothing.

There will be supports in place for folk in your situation also - no one wants to see a child harmed

You could even get Child Protection involved

Fortunately for me at the time of my divorce (kids 3 and 7) my bff was a family court lawyer

she said to me - I still remember it -

if the worst that comes to them at his place is, they stay in their pjs the entire weekend and eat too much junkfood, relax mother, it's not worth the hassle - you cant MAKE him be a responsible parent.

But if you are genuinely in fear for your son you need to move heaven and earth imo I know I would

all the best, I know these things can be so hard, I wish I could teleport to help you with budgeting advice because most people leak money like water...! You probably already have the necessary funds there, you just cant see them

All the best I hope something in this helps

BDU
 
sahasrara

sahasrara

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
414
Location
Dorset
we are pretty tight with money, essentials only. 2 weeks of every month living off £25 each week. Ive sold two of my beloved snakes to afford my son's birthday this year, Xmas is handmade gifts only. I'm going to call up the police and get a statement from them, as now in the UK parts of criminal records can be disclosed in cases of domestic violence, where as they won't tell me what's on his criminal record, they will be able to write a statement about it and wether my son will be safe. then that will be sent to the mediators with a refusal to mediate.
I'm also thinking of pressing charges for the domestic violence against me from him.
I've never felt strong enough before to do it so always refused but now I feel that I have to. My partner is worried that it will be his word against mine as it was 6 years ago but I'm hoping medical records will support my accusations.
I can't report it all as it is his word against mine but there is one incedent I'm particular where I was hospitalized because of it and I'm hoping a mental health nurse notes (that got me into the women's refuge when I left him) should be classed as evidence.
all so much going on in my head.
another option is I quit my job, so there for entitled to legal aid
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,824
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
Contact your local women's abuse shelter, they helped me, I was stalked by my first ex over 7 years protecting my children from his unmedicated bipolar rages and attacks towards me. Moved 13 times over the span of 15 months at one time. I left a meer week before giving birth to my third son while he continued to terrorise and abuse me. and with two toddlers in tow. Document, video, record as much as you can, abusers stalkers can be so good at hiding their tracks and staying under the radar. They can be very charismatic and appear very normal to the world whilst making you out to be the crazy one. They depend on your isolation to continue their abuse. The women's shelter can provide you and your children safe haven and help find you lawyers to help you. I actually placed my 2 toddlers with family and lived at a shelter while giving birth and him showing up at the hospital while I was giving birth to rage at me for stealing his children in front of hospital staff while I was in labour. Do talk with your womens shelter they saved my life.
 
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