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Something wrong with me!

J

juliaw

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
17
Hi people, Ijust registered because I need to just let it out.
My thoughts are raising through my head and I apologise if I spell words wrong, I cannot be bothered to use a lexicon now.

I don't know what is wrong with me, I know that it is something but none of the descriptions of different disorders fit. If anyone, anyfuckingone could help me to just figure out what's up with my head so that I can cope better I would be o so greatful.

I started to think that there was something going on with me that other people didn't experience about one year ago when I went to Italy for several months. I remember how I became a different person. Before that I had experience with twitchy-ness and attacks of anxiety and restlessness but nothing so sever as what happened in Italy. For more then one month I was a totally different person. I couldn't sleep, I became restless and angry, it felt like I was a monster in a cage and I walked around everyday with gritted teeth. My confidence level went up with 100%, I was the leader, I did stupid things, drugs, pranks, damage. I was very anti-social, I had no compassion for anyone, I wanted to hurt people, I had day-dreams if killing people, I ran into a fight between two men I didn't know because I just wanted to have a reason to fight. I took too many pills that were supposed to help me sleep because one night I just thought I wanted to die (I didn't fortunately). I also thought I was the smartest, coolest, most creative person in the world. I thought myself as Dali and I thought that people must envy me and my talent.

When I was fifteen I was diagnosed with Anorexia and depression, I was hospitalized for three weeks before I ran away and threatened to kill myself if they didn't let me go home. I got well and everything was good for two years (ofc recovery was hard, but my parents where there for me all the way). When I was 17 I got into a deep depression, I can only remember gray and that I was too tired to kill myself. I went to a psychologist and I told him that I didn't want to talk because there was nothing to talk about, but I wanted pills to make me happy again. I got pills (health care system...) and after a couple of weeks on them everything was GREAT! I was creative, I painted an whole exhibition, and so on.

I stopped taking antidepressant and I stopped taking sleeping medication and I've been fine for a while now. But I feel like I'm going into a bad spiral again, I don't sleep well, I've stopped seeing other people I've destroid paintings in a heartbeat just because I got annoyd. I'm scared of the winter and how I will cope. I often feel like people are treating me unjust, and I don't even know if I'm right. One other thing is that I get very annoyed with people talking slow or quietly.

I've done some reasearch because I want guidens, but I can't find anything that fits. The closest is bipolar disorder, but every case I read about the person with the disorder experience happyness when being hyper, whilst I only experienced anger, irritation and superiority when I've been on my active period. It's like I have episodes of either aspd or depression.

Sorry for all the mistakes, I'm not native-english speaker and right now I'm a bit itchy.
Please, if you have any ideas, advice or similar experiences, write me or post a comment!

/Julia
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
Hi Julia, welcome :welcome:

Okay, firstly, there is nothing wrong with you but you are clearly are having a hard time. What you need is to see a doctor right now and try to talk about your issues. The things you describe have a variety of labels but you need to not worry about that now and go to see a doctor or mental health professional, okay?

Have a hug and welcome!

:hug5:

Davey x
 
J

juliaw

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
17
Thank you! I should, but I don't live in my home country and if I go to see a doctor my job will be notified and I'm afraid I will get fired if they think I'm unstable. But I guess if it gets wors I'll have to. Right now I'm just very active and twitchy, but I don't feel unstable! Thank you so much for the reply!
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
My pleasure, but don't mess about with your MH, okay? If you need to see a professional then do it!
 
calypso

calypso

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Messages
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Lancashire
I'm diagnosed bipolar and my highs are anger, irritation and sometimes rage. I do get happy at times - but it doesn't last long. So I am like you in this.
 
J

juliaw

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
17
I see calypso. I donno, I don't want meds again, I don't want anyone to know, I just want to be stable. I'm embarrassed that I've raged over something so small as loosing a sock, or that I made grad-plans to break into the castle and spend the night there, I feel a deep shame over all the stupid things I've done when I'm "up" and all the pain I've caused when I'm down. I don't have the money or the currage to seek help, and I have no trust in any of my friends. Sorry for rambling, but I need an outlet and this forum is kindly providing me with one.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
4,861
Im not bipolar but just plain depressed but I suffer with terrible rage. Like you at a young age I took the meds rather than talking as I didn't see what talking could solve as I'd got nothing to say. Still now I don't see what it'll solve but what's the harm in trying? Why would your job be informed? Surely data protection should be enforced?
 
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