Something to confess

HumanPerson

HumanPerson

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
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39
I have found that I'm very unhappy with my life. I'm failing my own expectations of what I should be as a person and as a musician. I know that I should be doing something about this, such as preparing for my music theory exam in June and driving theory test, exercising regularly and learning about how to be an independent adult.

I'm fearful of booking another session with my private music tutor because he'll just see how little to nothing I have done. It feels like I haven't the passion or drive to pick up an instrument properly in almost two years. My instruments are literally gathering dust. I'm still singing in my metal band, recording music, playing gigs and attending weekly practice and it gives small amounts of happiness and some social interaction that I need. I've neglected musical practice so much that I'm probably worse than I was before music college. I have a feeling playing or practicing music is a major trigger for depression. Maybe based on my beliefs.

It feels like I've drifted through life ever since I left music college over a year ago. I can't help but feel like time is just flying by me and I'm not going anywhere, stuck in these circumstances and lacking the will to change them.

My job as a support worker is better than stacking shelves, however I feel like I'm holding myself back in everything I do. I just feel like i don't have any skills or specialised in anything. When it's my turn to cook for the home, the food is very basic and takes my full attention. I do all the tasks required slower than everyone else. I thought this job's sense of community would help me be more motivated in my dwindling pursuits but that hasn't happened. I feel like an imposter.

I know It's wrong to compare myself to others my age but when I know they are so happy with their lives and are at a steady rate of successfulness it's impossible. I'm tired of feeling like my depression is something that can be just cured with a pill, because it can't. I'm always saying to myself "I'll do it tomorrow, I'll feel better after some sleep" then I wake with a sense of dread, not wanting leave the refuge of my bed, finding temporary comfort in my apathy towards life.

The truth is, I have no idea why I'm so unhappy with my life. I don't know why I made an attempt on my own life around 6 months ago. What I know is that it isn't one sole thing or answer. It is hundreds of answers to hundreds of questions. I don't know where to start with fixing myself. I'm sorry about the length of this.
 
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Fallingfromthetop

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I think a lot of people your age battles the same thoughts as you. For them you are in a metal band, sing, can play music etc to them you probably seem successful. I don't say this to mean you SHOULD feel entitled just to realize its common, a lot of people battle these thoughts. The solution can be to just find a new place in life but it can also be chemical and meds can help with that. Yeah a pill does work for some people, its the extra little boost needed to raise inspiration to high enough levels to move further in life. I tried anti depp med myself but it wasn't for me, I felt really bad about it and stopped pretty quick, I know you gotta stay with it but I couldn't as it felt like my persona was about to vanish into smth I didn't like. Now I am in a pretty good state mentally in life.

Personally I was good at teaching but other factors with the job triggered me in bad ways. So when I made the decision to quit teaching and searching for jobs it felt like I had no skills and no value to add in anything else, and where would I get it? I had several jobs after at warehouse, burger joint, hauling car wheels etc. It all felt ok but not great. Now I am window cleaning and to me its the best job I ever had. When I was young I always dreaded a 7-16 job. But this job is challenging, the right amount of stress, outside, activated body and time just flies by doing it and I make a lot of money. It just suits me really well (hauling wheels all day made me confident my physique would handle this job, funny how something so mundane can give confidence for other things), and before applying I never even knew a job like this existed and that it would suit me. Even though body is tired coming home, mentally I feel strong. I don't care that the work I do is so unimportant to make peoples windows more shiny. But it gives me good money and I feel motivated getting really good and efficient at it to possibly cut my days shorter and my pay even better.

Sometimes you just gotta grind though the grey to get to better times. Sometimes you gotta actively take charge and just lead your life into a new path. Maybe you should take a break from music completely, maybe you should try step up your game regarding music. Grind on and try steer life into something better. Apply for other jobs, make music in new ways, try another genre, try other hobbies, try dating or going out to new places.
 
HumanPerson

HumanPerson

Active member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
39
I think a lot of people your age battles the same thoughts as you. For them you are in a metal band, sing, can play music etc to them you probably seem successful. I don't say this to mean you SHOULD feel entitled just to realize its common, a lot of people battle these thoughts. The solution can be to just find a new place in life but it can also be chemical and meds can help with that. Yeah a pill does work for some people, its the extra little boost needed to raise inspiration to high enough levels to move further in life. I tried anti depp med myself but it wasn't for me, I felt really bad about it and stopped pretty quick, I know you gotta stay with it but I couldn't as it felt like my persona was about to vanish into smth I didn't like. Now I am in a pretty good state mentally in life.

Personally I was good at teaching but other factors with the job triggered me in bad ways. So when I made the decision to quit teaching and searching for jobs it felt like I had no skills and no value to add in anything else, and where would I get it? I had several jobs after at warehouse, burger joint, hauling car wheels etc. It all felt ok but not great. Now I am window cleaning and to me its the best job I ever had. When I was young I always dreaded a 7-16 job. But this job is challenging, the right amount of stress, outside, activated body and time just flies by doing it and I make a lot of money. It just suits me really well (hauling wheels all day made me confident my physique would handle this job, funny how something so mundane can give confidence for other things), and before applying I never even knew a job like this existed and that it would suit me. Even though body is tired coming home, mentally I feel strong. I don't care that the work I do is so unimportant to make peoples windows more shiny. But it gives me good money and I feel motivated getting really good and efficient at it to possibly cut my days shorter and my pay even better.

Sometimes you just gotta grind though the grey to get to better times. Sometimes you gotta actively take charge and just lead your life into a new path. Maybe you should take a break from music completely, maybe you should try step up your game regarding music. Grind on and try steer life into something better. Apply for other jobs, make music in new ways, try another genre, try other hobbies, try dating or going out to new places.
Thanks for the guidance! Trying to look for a new perspective and see the dark humour in my life. This morning hasn't been great, been in bed doing nothing. As appealing as it all sounds trying these new things, I don't think I have the self discipline to do much. My mind feels like mush and everything is really foggy. I want to get better. I'm happy for you that you're in a job that you really like. I don't know if I like my job or not. However, I'm uncertain on most things in my life
 
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Fallingfromthetop

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Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
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Key is to start doing things even if you do not feel like it. Force new routines, force to try new things, force to pick up some instrument again. With some persistence you will often reach a point where it feels rewarding again, your mind just tricks you when you lie on bed or in sofa that it will be futile. Though we all need days just laying in bed, that is ok, but when it reaches a point where it happens often, only way to get out off it is to force yourself to do something, even if it feels really uninspired. Force yourself out for a walk or run, or a dance at home to some music, move on to some hobby and just force yourself to do it. Try set a routine and eventually, maybe even on first try after some 30min you start feel rewarded. A walk/run outside releases good hormones to build on, when get home don't even approach bed, approach an old or new hobby and just grind a bit. Does it feel useless 1 hour later, ok sure go to bed then you at least tried.
 

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