Something once good is now toxic

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George10111

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Jul 7, 2017
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259
#1
First I'd like to thank you for helping me in my hard times and for reaching out. Its helped me a lot believe it or not! I have a problem thats really draining me.

I love to run but I don't consider myself a serious runner. I've been running since high school, almost ten full years with a few short breaks. Running used to be a good part of my life but now its something that's become a source of stress which I no longer feel is productive. Its almost like an addiction and I'm trying to stop and learn to live my life without doing it.

I obsess over just that, running. I try to hit a certain time in a certain distance and I used to be able to go out confidently. THere have been multiple golden bliss times where every week I was making a new time, PR for myself. That hasn't happened in a very long time. Instead I'm always sore, tired, and broken. I get way too caught up in what others are thinking when they look at me. I have to run in a crowded gym because its still too damn cold outside. The gym I run at is full of bullies and just the type of person I don't like to be around. I've completely lost motivation and confidence. I feel like everyone's watching me when I run. I want to run still but I just don't know how to keep doing it without it being a source of stress. I like to run hard and fast. I'm not a jogger. Its either run the way I want to or I'm going to quit and throw my fitness in the trash because its just not worth it every day. I'm so frustrated and discouraged and lately all its been are what I can't do, vs what I can do or wish I could do.
 
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gam9147

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#3
It's difficult to do those outdoorsy sports in the winter time. I don't suppose a treadmill at home or exercise bike would be good for you during off season? obviously when it gets warmer (real soon!) its no problem so maybe just hang in there another month or so :)
 
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CEVRAM

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#4
I know exactly how you feel, I'm on a very simliar predicament with my own workouts. For a long time its been a major addiction which has been doing me more harm than good but I simply cannot stop. Dont get me, wrong, regular exercise is one of the healthiest practices we can have, problem here is that I'm not doing it for the health benefits it brings me, I do it because I want to achieve a physique which will make me proud and confident about my body and also a level of performance well above average so I can finally say to myself, "you are good at something".

Thing is, getting there is a huge challenge and takes immense dedication, consistency and self discipline as well as having some luck with genetics as the muscle and bone structures in the body will eventually play a big role on how much one can gain and might also be a factor for assimetries in the long run. I've had my begginner gains for quite a while now, been doing this for 5 years and I'm simply not happy anymore, I hate how my body refuses to reward my hard work, there is no day in which I feel happy about my body, I see flaws everywhere yet I can't stop obsessing about exercising, its really draining my self esteem and no matter what I do, these thoughts wont ever leave me alone, they come at the gym and outside of it.

To be honest, I'm surprised how its possible for me to keep investing so much time and effort in something I have almost no motivation and appreciation for. I have been close to giving up altogether few times but this is way too strong for me, stopping would only bring me even more unhappiness anyway since my body would become worse. People keep saying I look great and so on but all those compliments skip over my head, in my eyes, I'm weak, ugly and pathetic.
 
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CEVRAM

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#5
Maybe you could try a new form of cardiovascular exercise for a while in order to change routines a bit, perhaps cycling and add a few bodyweight exercises on top of that just to create new stimulus for the body. I'm not in a good position to offer real helpful advice so I apologize if this seems shallow.
 
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George10111

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Jul 7, 2017
Messages
259
#7
I know exactly how you feel, I'm on a very simliar predicament with my own workouts. For a long time its been a major addiction which has been doing me more harm than good but I simply cannot stop. Dont get me, wrong, regular exercise is one of the healthiest practices we can have, problem here is that I'm not doing it for the health benefits it brings me, I do it because I want to achieve a physique which will make me proud and confident about my body and also a level of performance well above average so I can finally say to myself, "you are good at something".

Thing is, getting there is a huge challenge and takes immense dedication, consistency and self discipline as well as having some luck with genetics as the muscle and bone structures in the body will eventually play a big role on how much one can gain and might also be a factor for assimetries in the long run. I've had my begginner gains for quite a while now, been doing this for 5 years and I'm simply not happy anymore, I hate how my body refuses to reward my hard work, there is no day in which I feel happy about my body, I see flaws everywhere yet I can't stop obsessing about exercising, its really draining my self esteem and no matter what I do, these thoughts wont ever leave me alone, they come at the gym and outside of it.

To be honest, I'm surprised how its possible for me to keep investing so much time and effort in something I have almost no motivation and appreciation for. I have been close to giving up altogether few times but this is way too strong for me, stopping would only bring me even more unhappiness anyway since my body would become worse. People keep saying I look great and so on but all those compliments skip over my head, in my eyes, I'm weak, ugly and pathetic.
This down to a T. I'm still at my beginner mile times. I thought running was something I could be good at, something to help my confidence and build my self esteem and I know how it feels to have your body not reward your hard, hard work. It doesn't seem to agree with anything you do, no matter how healthy you eat, how much you exercise, etc.
 
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CEVRAM

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#8
This down to a T. I'm still at my beginner mile times. I thought running was something I could be good at, something to help my confidence and build my self esteem and I know how it feels to have your body not reward your hard, hard work. It doesn't seem to agree with anything you do, no matter how healthy you eat, how much you exercise, etc.
That's exactly how I feel about it as well, I really, really thought there was a vocation for working out in me, I wanted that to be a thing, there was a strong will to achieve something special, something that could make me stand out in a positive way and give my low self esteem a kick or two in the bum but none of that came to fruition.

In fact, I'm having more issues accepting my body the way it is now than before I began working out and had a way worse physique. I have no idea what triggered this insane fixation with having a great looking sculpted body but the fact I'm miles away from my goals and have no idea how to get there is having a very negative impact on my sanity. I'm doing my best but not even that is enough, its not enough for anything really, its as if I'm married to failure.

Seems like we are both with an urgent need of something which can lift our self esteem once and for all. So much for exercising being great for the mind, sigh.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#9
It sounds that you have a fragile self image and that you don’t much like yourself. Maybe your body is saying enough! Maybe take up walking instead wrap up nice and warm and then you can avoid the gym maybe

Time for a change maybe and maybe that scares you for some reason. I had to stop walking for a number of years due to feet problems and that was my prozac. So yeah its tough when the coping mechs that you use stop working
 

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