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Something is wrong with her.. :/

L

LaFuriaRoja01

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2014
Messages
1
Hi there,

I've been making the rounds on a few forums looking for some advice, so if you've read this before, welcome back. :p

Anyway, here's the story...

My girlfriend and I have been together for four and a half years. We met online, met several times and eventually she moved in with me. We were madly in love. As little as April of last year she said herself "usually most relationships have fallen into a rut by this point... but we're still lovey-dovey." She was the type of girl who was very innocent, gentle, loving, nurturing, loyal and spiritual. She said herself once that she lived to make others happy. She was very close to her mother and grew up on a farm, loving horses, art and nature. When we met she was very shy, introverted and although she was somewhat depressed, she was happy for years while we were together. Even when her mother passed away and several other incidents put us adrift back in 2011, we got through it all. She absolutely loved stuffed animals, and would frequently do cute and random things like make up adorable songs, cute bedtime stories, or just smile and kiss me randomly. She was absolutely benign. If we ever fought she would apologize immediately, go into tears, and would guilt herself into the ground over it, even if the fight was long done. She loved me to death and promised she'd always be there for me nearly every day. Life was fine - we spent days hanging out with friends, she'd go to work at night, and we'd go to class together the next day. Despite having a cramped living space, she was glad to be there just to be with me. We did everything together - vacation, holiday trips, classes, I mean we were inseparable but respected each other. Neither of us was uncomfortable with each others' attachment. We respected each others' feelings, and although we had our rough spots, we always knew we'd be there for each other. We didn't take the relationship lightly. It took us a few months before we met in person, and a few months later before we finally had sex. We were dating for a year before she moved in. We began mutually talking about the future and, although we were never officially engaged, we frequently talked about marriage in a comfortable manner. Everybody told us we were the cutest couple and we were always there for each other. She'd wake up at 4AM to go for a walk with me when I had an anxiety attack from a sleep paralysis nightmare (I developed anxiety issues due to a physical cause.. long story). She always supported me. Always. And I always supported her. She worked hard and always suggested for me to use her money when I needed it, despite my protests that I simply couldn't. Our time together was the best time in either of our lives.

All that changed over the past summer.

She turned 21 in April. She was a little overwhelmed between school, working two jobs and paying bills. Soon after, her car broke down. We began working on it together but it was too great of a job. She wanted to bring her animals down from PA, saying it would make her happy. It didn't have the desired effect when they did come down. She began hanging out with my best friend every day, forgetting plans with me to see him. He stopped talking to me and it ruined the relationship between him and I. She began going to bars every weekend with his father and step-mother. She began getting angry at me for the first time in our relationship (out-and-out anger, not just frustration). She began to be inconsolable and ran off in anger. She would get angry at me all the time over stupid things. On one night, she almost wrecked my car, and when I got anxiety over that, she ran off and slept over a friend's house. She stormed out of the bar drunk, saying she hated me, when I tried to take her home. Simultaneously, she began developing health issues. She dropped all her classes. She quit her job. Took her horses back to Pennsylvania. Stopped drawing completely. Wanted to move out desperately. Spent all her time hanging out with friends or working. When she came home it was a crap shoot as to whether she'd be depressed or happy. On occasion she'd display suicidal or self-harmful behavior, which I would immediately curb. Throughout all this, I was initially frustrated and tried to fight for our relationship, however when I realized it was useless, I began simply not arguing, not complaining, not showing my own anxiety and depression caused by her, etc. On occasion she'd have good days, but multiple times she told me she was done with me, only to forget about it a day or two later. Eventually she did move out. She was happy for a few days. By New Year's she was back to drinking binges and emotional breakdowns in front of friends, almost weekly. On top of that she began abusing painkillers due to her severe stomach pains. A few years ago, a cyst burst on her ovary, sending her to the hospital with internal bleeding. Several months after this behavior began, she began to exhibit similar pain, ceasing her ability to have sex or work out. It's gotten worse. She sleeps all day and is still tired. She is depressed all day and has anxiety attacks over things as minor as her boss coming back from vacation. She gets hungry but cannot finish a meal without moderate nausea. Emotionally, she blames everything on me. I barely talk to her anymore. I let her use my car until hers is fixed. Now that we have it at a shop, she asks me to foot the bill as repayment for "my failure to fix it in the first place." She asks me to pay a parking ticket she got as repayment for her paying a ticket of mine in 2011. She never thanks me for anything and will rarely even say that she loves me anymore. She spends all morning sleeping, the afternoon hanging out with friends, and all night working. On her days off she drinks herself to death. She never talks to me but when she does, she becomes abusive. She calls me terrible things, only mere hours after we'd been running around, laughing and smiling like children again. It's developed into an abusive relationship, which she claims is justified because I used to be over-protective and borderline controlling up until a few years ago. She constantly swears in everyday conversation. Whenever something bad happens, she now just says "F this state, F everything, I'm done with it, I'm done with you" whether it's receiving a parking ticket or just being in a bad mood. In addition to this she's become untrusting of everybody. As back far as August she began to refuse to let me even touch her phone (I'd use the camera for car shows), and would hide it at night before she went to sleep. When she got a new number I was the last one to find out. She even changed banks so my mother (a banker) wouldn't see her transactions. She changed her passwords to her email, Facebook, etc., explicitly telling me. I rarely see her anymore, if for maybe half an hour at most. She has admitted she doesn't like seeing me anymore, and refuses to hang out with me. When she does make plans, she usually cancels them later on that day. She's only been in our house twice since she's moved out. She only texts me anymore to ask for my car, ask to use the computer or otherwise. Nothing else. I never text her myself at all anymore. Not even to say goodnight like I used to after she moved out.

She's gotten everything she's asked for yet is still depressed day in and out. I spent the last of my paycheck (I'm broke lol) one time to buy her St. John's Wort. She took it for two days (only once a day, when I reminded her), claimed it made her drowsy and flat-out ignores my requests to try it again. I've scheduled two clinic appointments for her, both of which she cancelled, not wanting to pay the co-pay or interfering with work. She finally said she'd get work medical coverage, but waited until two days before the sign-up deadline and rarely checked her approval status. Now that she is approved, she is dragging her feet about finding a doctor and always find an excuse ("yeahh but I don't know if they accept my coverage" "yeahh but they're probably closed right now" "yeahh but I don't have the copay"). She admitted that she hates the doctor. I'm afraid by the time she schedules an appointment, it will already be too late.

The poor girl cannot afford her bills. She's paying $600 every month for rent and barely breaks minimum wage. In addition to that she's paying $120 every month for insurance and ends up sometimes with only $30 to last her two weeks after everything's paid. She refuses to move back in, that much is non-negotiable. She doesn't love me anymore, despite admitting that I've changed my behavior in every way that she wanted.

I feel that she's looking for external causes for an internal problem. We've knocked off everything that could be bothering her, until she's now starting to believe the only solution is a relationship or location problem. She hates her life and needs something to blame it on. I've just begun to distance myself from her and let her live her life. I still get frequent anxiety attacks and mild depression, however she's 10x worse than I am mentally.

What I'm pretty much asking is, what could possibly be wrong? I feel like PCOS is a distinctive possibility, however I'm no expert. I told her to make an appointment with a gynecologist first, if not an endocrinologist or psychologist (when I suggested the last option she got incredibly infuriated.. very uncharacteristic of who she used to be). Her personality's done a 180, from someone who had been at peace, motherly and loving, if a little bit quiet, to someone who hates the world, is depressed, anxious, obnoxious, abusive and selfish. She lost interest in all of her interests and all of her relationships (almost even ran out on her family on Thankgiving after getting furious at her brother.. just like she did to me before she moved out). Do symptoms like this look familiar to anybody? I'm pretty confident that I'm on the right track - it's a fine line between distancing myself, playing laissez-faire yet not letting myself be used and abused. But I worry every day if she's done too much damage to her life to feasibly pick up the pieces. She goes on and off about wanting to move back home, yet then claims she doesn't want to live up there anymore and wants to make it on her own.

I see strange aspects of everything, and can't put my finger on any one thing. Bipolar? Personality disorder? Severe depression? Or maybe she's right and it's truly just a relationship matter? I just don't see why she'd be blaming the only person in her life who is bending over backwards to help her - the only person who promises to be there day in and out, no matter what, the only person who still says that he loves her. I don't have a degree in psychology or anything, I'm a physicist, but I can still clearly see that something's just not right in this girl's head and everybody I speak to seems to agree. What could possibly be wrong with her?
 
Falling Sky

Falling Sky

Former member
Joined
Dec 6, 2013
Messages
2,251
Location
The end of the world
We can't diagnose anyone here and I wouldn't like to start giving you my opinion on someone that hasn't written their symptoms their self as this is what you see and she might think differently about it all.

I would advise that you take your car back and move on with your life. She obviously doesn't want your opinion or help and maybe if she does in the future she will come back and ask and then, if you want, you can do the noble thing. Tbh tho, people change and maybe it is just that.

Good luck with your next relationship xxxxxx
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
2,423
Hi, sorry to hear that things are tough at the moment. I don't know what it is that is wrong but its good that you are encouraging her to seek medical help. As she has had problems with ovarian cysts before it sounds like a good idea hormones can play havoc with mood swings etc.

One thing to consider is that she is still very young at 21. You have been together through her late teens which is often a time when we are still finding out who we are and what we want out of life. Her mother has passed away during this time too which may still be affecting her. You say that she has said that she lives to make others happy and that she has low self esteem. When you put all your energy into giving to others rather than looking after yourself it is easy to become exhausted eventually. It also suggests to me that she is not valuing herself. You say that you have done everything together, maybe she needs some space to work out who she is in her own right. It does sound like something is making her very unhappy at the moment and speaking to a counsellor maybe helpful.

From your own perspective you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself and living your own life too take this time to explore who you are too and what things you want out of life. That way whatever happens with your relationship you will be in a better place for the future with or without her.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

Former member
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,421
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
Don't really know what you can do, mate, if she does not want to get help for anything. It sounds like you've done all you can to help.

Even if someone on here were able to tell you what's "wrong" with her, which we can't, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it because it sounds like she's not receptive to any efforts to help her.

I'd say hormones really can affect someone's moods - I can remember the terrible mood swings I'd have when I was her age around the times of my periods, which has definitely calmed down as I've got older. However there could be lots of other stuff going on. It really isn't possible to say unless she goes and has an assessment with someone and it doesn't sound like she is willing to do so.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I'd echo Cazcat's advice about really looking after yourself though. This might mean putting some distance between yourself and your girlfriend as however much you want to help, her behaviour is bound to have a effect on you and it's a lot to cope with.
 

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