Something I’m ashamed of: being brainwashed

Moonshadow

Moonshadow

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Georgia
#1
I’ve been fragile my whole life and delusion prone. I didn’t have my major breakdown however until age 19. I entered a void so terrifying that I was screaming inside. This is when voices came.

I had found conspiracy theorist online and he was the major voice in my head. He believes all humans are genetic garbage and we live on a revolving tombstone. He is basically a sociopath with zero kindness for the average person. Just my luck, he’s in my head of all people.

I was desperate for love so always listened. What that voice has put me through is Guantanamo bay levels of heinous torture. He’s never loved me only destroyed me. He has a hold on me to this day because he’s done so much research and seems so convincing.

I become paranoid, tortured, miserable and cruel when he has his hold on me. I was extremely mean to someone recently and deeply hurt them and it’s because of his voice.

What he does to me makes me a stranger to myself. My shame at being brainwashed is immense. I can’t keep this secret anymore. I hope someone out there understands.
 
Moonshadow

Moonshadow

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Joined
May 19, 2019
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Georgia
#2
I accused my dad of pedophilia recently. He’s not one but I thought he was my whole life. It’s like I’ve wanted an explanation for my feelings of mental instability and woundedness my whole life. You can’t take these things back. I regret my comments immensely.

I’m not a bad person. But I’m confused and deeply damaged by these years of psychosis. That conspiracy theorist makes an evil monster out of me
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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#3
Are you seeing a doctor or psychiatrist?

As you say, you can't take things back, you can only learn from them and move forward.

I wish I knew how to get rid of the voices, I need that help myself.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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#4
Yes, you can feel deep shame from being conned into believing things that aren't true. I'm sorry this happened to you. It doesn't make you a monster. The fault is ultimately on the person who spread these wrong ideas, not you. Try to find compassion for yourself for having been horribly deceived (it happens to a lot of people), and make what amends you can to anyone you've hurt because of these ideas, hopefully they'll come to understand you weren't thinking clearly.

Yes, have you seen a doctor or mental health specialist? Perhaps advice for people who have left cults would also be relevant, I'd imagine the guilt and shame at being brainwashed is similar. Good luck :peace:
 

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