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Something I’m ashamed of: being brainwashed

Moonshadow

Moonshadow

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Georgia
I’ve been fragile my whole life and delusion prone. I didn’t have my major breakdown however until age 19. I entered a void so terrifying that I was screaming inside. This is when voices came.

I had found conspiracy theorist online and he was the major voice in my head. He believes all humans are genetic garbage and we live on a revolving tombstone. He is basically a sociopath with zero kindness for the average person. Just my luck, he’s in my head of all people.

I was desperate for love so always listened. What that voice has put me through is Guantanamo bay levels of heinous torture. He’s never loved me only destroyed me. He has a hold on me to this day because he’s done so much research and seems so convincing.

I become paranoid, tortured, miserable and cruel when he has his hold on me. I was extremely mean to someone recently and deeply hurt them and it’s because of his voice.

What he does to me makes me a stranger to myself. My shame at being brainwashed is immense. I can’t keep this secret anymore. I hope someone out there understands.
 
Moonshadow

Moonshadow

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Georgia
I accused my dad of pedophilia recently. He’s not one but I thought he was my whole life. It’s like I’ve wanted an explanation for my feelings of mental instability and woundedness my whole life. You can’t take these things back. I regret my comments immensely.

I’m not a bad person. But I’m confused and deeply damaged by these years of psychosis. That conspiracy theorist makes an evil monster out of me
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
141
Location
Dorset
Are you seeing a doctor or psychiatrist?

As you say, you can't take things back, you can only learn from them and move forward.

I wish I knew how to get rid of the voices, I need that help myself.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
11,860
Location
UK
Yes, you can feel deep shame from being conned into believing things that aren't true. I'm sorry this happened to you. It doesn't make you a monster. The fault is ultimately on the person who spread these wrong ideas, not you. Try to find compassion for yourself for having been horribly deceived (it happens to a lot of people), and make what amends you can to anyone you've hurt because of these ideas, hopefully they'll come to understand you weren't thinking clearly.

Yes, have you seen a doctor or mental health specialist? Perhaps advice for people who have left cults would also be relevant, I'd imagine the guilt and shame at being brainwashed is similar. Good luck :peace:
 
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