I
itssam
New member
A lot has been on my mind recently. Writing things out here seems to help a little bit, so I’ll share my story. If you end up reading this...sorry.
I’ve struggled for most of my life I guess. I realized I was hurting in the seventh grade. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to cope with my feelings back then...if I’m being honest I still don’t. But, back then my solution was self harm. I craved to feel something, even if it was pain, I just wanted to feel something. I slipped up one day and the nurse saw my arm. I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I begged her not tell my parents, but there was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. Later that day, I got yelled at by my parents. I remember my mom screaming at me in the grocery store parking lot as I was hysterically crying. “Why can’t my daughter be normal, like every other girl” she would scream. I just sat there and cried, I didn’t know how to respond. I asked to seek therapy, but my parents flat out refused. They don’t believe in that “stuff”.
My parents also never allowed me to have romantic relationships with anyone. I kept a lot of things a secret from them. They still don’t know who I actually am. They don’t know my interests or what kind of music I like. They don’t even know what I want out of life. The funny thing is though... I don’t know what I want out of life. I thought I did, but I don’t. I honestly didn’t plan on living past 16, and now I’m 22.
I’m just an empty shell at this point. I hate myself. I have no motivation to get through my school work. I spend my days staring at the ceiling, crying for no reason. I feel anxious because I know I need to study, but my body won’t let me. I can’t concentrate for more than a couple minutes before my mind wanders. I also can’t hold romantic relationships at all. I turn everyone away. I always assume that they deserve someone better. Someone prettier. Someone who isn’t broken.
I’ve also noticed I can’t keep food down anymore, and I’ve lost four pounds in two days. My hands shake, and I can’t control my body.
I guess you’re wondering why I haven’t seemed help yet? The good news is I have my first therapy appointment next week, but I’m scared to tell my parents. They don’t believe in mental health. They think it’s all made up, a way to grab attention. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I decided that the fear I get from confronting my family is far less scary then the sadness they’ll feel from losing a child. So... I’m taking the steps that I feel will benefit me. I just want to be happy.
I’ve struggled for most of my life I guess. I realized I was hurting in the seventh grade. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to cope with my feelings back then...if I’m being honest I still don’t. But, back then my solution was self harm. I craved to feel something, even if it was pain, I just wanted to feel something. I slipped up one day and the nurse saw my arm. I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I begged her not tell my parents, but there was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. Later that day, I got yelled at by my parents. I remember my mom screaming at me in the grocery store parking lot as I was hysterically crying. “Why can’t my daughter be normal, like every other girl” she would scream. I just sat there and cried, I didn’t know how to respond. I asked to seek therapy, but my parents flat out refused. They don’t believe in that “stuff”.
My parents also never allowed me to have romantic relationships with anyone. I kept a lot of things a secret from them. They still don’t know who I actually am. They don’t know my interests or what kind of music I like. They don’t even know what I want out of life. The funny thing is though... I don’t know what I want out of life. I thought I did, but I don’t. I honestly didn’t plan on living past 16, and now I’m 22.
I’m just an empty shell at this point. I hate myself. I have no motivation to get through my school work. I spend my days staring at the ceiling, crying for no reason. I feel anxious because I know I need to study, but my body won’t let me. I can’t concentrate for more than a couple minutes before my mind wanders. I also can’t hold romantic relationships at all. I turn everyone away. I always assume that they deserve someone better. Someone prettier. Someone who isn’t broken.
I’ve also noticed I can’t keep food down anymore, and I’ve lost four pounds in two days. My hands shake, and I can’t control my body.
I guess you’re wondering why I haven’t seemed help yet? The good news is I have my first therapy appointment next week, but I’m scared to tell my parents. They don’t believe in mental health. They think it’s all made up, a way to grab attention. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I decided that the fear I get from confronting my family is far less scary then the sadness they’ll feel from losing a child. So... I’m taking the steps that I feel will benefit me. I just want to be happy.
