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Something’s Wrong with Me

I

itssam

New member
Joined
May 2, 2020
Messages
4
Location
United States
A lot has been on my mind recently. Writing things out here seems to help a little bit, so I’ll share my story. If you end up reading this...sorry.
I’ve struggled for most of my life I guess. I realized I was hurting in the seventh grade. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to cope with my feelings back then...if I’m being honest I still don’t. But, back then my solution was self harm. I craved to feel something, even if it was pain, I just wanted to feel something. I slipped up one day and the nurse saw my arm. I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I begged her not tell my parents, but there was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. Later that day, I got yelled at by my parents. I remember my mom screaming at me in the grocery store parking lot as I was hysterically crying. “Why can’t my daughter be normal, like every other girl” she would scream. I just sat there and cried, I didn’t know how to respond. I asked to seek therapy, but my parents flat out refused. They don’t believe in that “stuff”.
My parents also never allowed me to have romantic relationships with anyone. I kept a lot of things a secret from them. They still don’t know who I actually am. They don’t know my interests or what kind of music I like. They don’t even know what I want out of life. The funny thing is though... I don’t know what I want out of life. I thought I did, but I don’t. I honestly didn’t plan on living past 16, and now I’m 22.
I’m just an empty shell at this point. I hate myself. I have no motivation to get through my school work. I spend my days staring at the ceiling, crying for no reason. I feel anxious because I know I need to study, but my body won’t let me. I can’t concentrate for more than a couple minutes before my mind wanders. I also can’t hold romantic relationships at all. I turn everyone away. I always assume that they deserve someone better. Someone prettier. Someone who isn’t broken.
I’ve also noticed I can’t keep food down anymore, and I’ve lost four pounds in two days. My hands shake, and I can’t control my body.
I guess you’re wondering why I haven’t seemed help yet? The good news is I have my first therapy appointment next week, but I’m scared to tell my parents. They don’t believe in mental health. They think it’s all made up, a way to grab attention. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I decided that the fear I get from confronting my family is far less scary then the sadness they’ll feel from losing a child. So... I’m taking the steps that I feel will benefit me. I just want to be happy.
 
ht46

ht46

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
1,645
Location
Earth
I'm sorry your parents aren't understanding, maybe it's denial or whatever. But it's great you're taking steps to seek help on you're own you should be proud of yourself. I hope therapy helps. :)
 
DistantOcean

DistantOcean

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
135
Location
Netherlands
You could look into neurofeedback in order to train your attention
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
722
A lot has been on my mind recently. Writing things out here seems to help a little bit, so I’ll share my story. If you end up reading this...sorry.
I’ve struggled for most of my life I guess. I realized I was hurting in the seventh grade. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to cope with my feelings back then...if I’m being honest I still don’t. But, back then my solution was self harm. I craved to feel something, even if it was pain, I just wanted to feel something. I slipped up one day and the nurse saw my arm. I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I begged her not tell my parents, but there was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. Later that day, I got yelled at by my parents. I remember my mom screaming at me in the grocery store parking lot as I was hysterically crying. “Why can’t my daughter be normal, like every other girl” she would scream. I just sat there and cried, I didn’t know how to respond. I asked to seek therapy, but my parents flat out refused. They don’t believe in that “stuff”.
My parents also never allowed me to have romantic relationships with anyone. I kept a lot of things a secret from them. They still don’t know who I actually am. They don’t know my interests or what kind of music I like. They don’t even know what I want out of life. The funny thing is though... I don’t know what I want out of life. I thought I did, but I don’t. I honestly didn’t plan on living past 16, and now I’m 22.
I’m just an empty shell at this point. I hate myself. I have no motivation to get through my school work. I spend my days staring at the ceiling, crying for no reason. I feel anxious because I know I need to study, but my body won’t let me. I can’t concentrate for more than a couple minutes before my mind wanders. I also can’t hold romantic relationships at all. I turn everyone away. I always assume that they deserve someone better. Someone prettier. Someone who isn’t broken.
I’ve also noticed I can’t keep food down anymore, and I’ve lost four pounds in two days. My hands shake, and I can’t control my body.
I guess you’re wondering why I haven’t seemed help yet? The good news is I have my first therapy appointment next week, but I’m scared to tell my parents. They don’t believe in mental health. They think it’s all made up, a way to grab attention. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I decided that the fear I get from confronting my family is far less scary then the sadness they’ll feel from losing a child. So... I’m taking the steps that I feel will benefit me. I just want to be happy.
@itssam ....firstly i commend you for seeking out a therapist....this is a great first step......also i want to reassure you that you will get better.....i used to suffer badly from depression but i needed someone to tell me taht i would get better, depression is temporary......there is hope, and when you do get better you are much the stronger for it.
 
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