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Someone that has helped me a lot has left and it's what wasn't said that hurt the most.

P

Pffft

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So in March time my yoga instructor helped me through a very hard period where I was at the lowest I had ever been and I genuinely thought I was going to commit suicide. She helped by giving me free access bars sessions which helped me a lot. I then started paying as she had already been very generous with her time. I really struggle with trusting people and she has helped me to learn that I can trust people. I do still find it very difficult but it is easier than what it was. When she told me she was leaving, this was about 2 months before she left, we met up and chatted and I thanked her for all of her help. I said that I was going to miss yoga and also not having access bars. She appreciated my thank you and told me that she was pleased that I have made progress and went into detail about it. Since that conversation I had more access bars appointments and at the last one, we arranged another appointment.

She said that she is moving away that weekend so it may not be possible because she needs to get her stuff packed up to take away. The day before my appointment I got a message from her telling me she has to cancel the appointment as the house is a mess and she doesn't have time. Usually the appointments last for about 2 hours so I understood that it is a huge chunk of time so I suggested meeting for about 15 minutes (of course I would have preferred longer but I understood that time was limited) and said she could use it as a little break and just sit in my car for a bit. She agreed and I felt a bit better knowing I could say goodbye, thank her and give her a hug.

Unfortunately she had to cancel that too and to be honest I was really upset by it. I sent her a message and told her that it was okay and I thanked her for her help and told her and I said that I would send her a message later on as I was struggling to find the words to express my grattitude I also said that I would have gave her a hug. When I have been really down she would hug me after we chatted before we left. It wasn't a regular thing we did everytime before we left after a chat but I felt it would have been okay/ appropriate in the circumstances since the chances of seeing each other again would be very slim. I did also ask how the move was going.

When she replied she said thanks and told me that I did the work and totally ignored my comment about the hug and went onto to tell me how the move was going. She did send me pictures of her pet as she knows I like her pet. To be honest I was really hurt that she couldn't even make any reference to it. I get the whole BPD thing and that she may have thought I would have taken it the wrong way and may have thought that we could have been best friends or w.e it is that people think. But I respect the relationship that we have and it hurts that she didn't feel comfortable to mention it.

To add insult to injury, my friend from yoga tried out a new yoga class and because of my ADHD she said she would try it out to see if I would find it okay or not. Unfortunately she said that it is everything that I don't need in a yoga class and that I would have found it difficult as it was a lot different to the yoga we did. I felt it was okay to message my (now previous) yoga instructor as she knows about my ADHD and I told her about what my frend said about the class that she tried. Because my message was about yoga I felt that it was okay and wasn't pushing boundaries. I also knew she would have contact with other instructors as she held a yoga day and invited other instructors so I was hoping she would know someone that would have a class which I would enjoy. I also asked if she was settling in ok, in her new home. She did reply and suggested a place that holds different yoga classes and did tell me she was settling in but she did seem to keep her reply to a minimum and didn't ask me anything- which didn't surprise me. When I met my friend she also said she messaged our instructor and said that she told her that the class she tried wasnt good and that she missed her. My friend doesn't know about how I am hurt by how the instructor repsonded to me as I didn't tell her about the message I had sent. My friend said that our instructor commented about the class and said she missed her too. When she said that last bit it felt like a huge kick in the teeth. I know my friend would have never mentioned it if she knew what had happened but I felt like I told my instructor deep things and although I struggled to tell her and didn't tell her a lot she certainly knew stuff that only mental health proffesionals know.

I know I need to just get on with things and to tell myself to stop being so pathetic but I feel hurt by it all.
I also don't have anyone to talk to about it as I did tell my therapist last week but he is off this week so it makes me feel more alone.
 
calypso

calypso

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It is always very hard to part company with someone we get on with so well. But this was a professional relationship not a friendship one alone so I can understand that she is letting you down slowly and gradually. The hug may have crossed some boundaries so I can again understand her not mentioning it.

I don't think you are pathetic, I think you are feeling vulnerable and upset. She meant a lot to you and that is hard. I can't offer much in the way of guidance on how you cope until your therapist returns except keep writing on here and let us support you.
 
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