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Someone please help me

K

katrinaxo

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Okay so, I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. She suffers from a whole variety of illnesses and has also had bad life experiences, traumatic ones in fact. We have had arguement over arguement because I struggle to understand her illness, also because I take things personally sometimes. Anyway, I tried speaking to her today about how I know her emotions control a lot how she perceives things (she ALWAYS thinks I'm being rude) however this ended badly. There are a lot of things I do, without even knowing, that remind her of people, experiences etc and it makes her feel awful. I don't do it intentionally. I want her to know I care and see it but she can't. She thinks I don't listen and I'm not there. I feel so hurt by how she acts with me and speaks to me sometimes. I try and take it because it can't always be controlled, but it's becoming so hard. I need help on what to do. She isn't speaking to me, feels so low, is blaming me. It's not my fault what has happened in her life, I don't do these things intentionally. I'm desperate.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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It sounds like your girlfriend is being triggered by the things you do and as you say it is so hard to know what is going to set her off and what to say to her.

It is unfair too but it seems like she is blaming you for her illness which is wrong.

You have to ask yourself how long you can continue to take the blame and be the scapegoat for your girlfriends ill health.

She has to examine her behavior and intentions and decide if she is going to take responsibility or just continue to beat you up and blame you.

You are not the cause of her illness or responsible if things you do remind her of past hurts.If she can't stop treating you like at fault then my advice is leave her alone to get on with it,it may seem harsh but how things are aren't fair on you.

Your girlfriend needs to talk things through with a therapist and get the boundaries right between you and her,you are not her punching bag!
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Sorry this happened, have you both tried counselling? It's not your fault and changing can be difficult. We often hurt the ones we love the most.
Tell her you care and keep giving reassurance in time she will see you love her.
Good luck
 
K

katrinaxo

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Thank you so much for replying. It's so hard because I love her so much. She is so intelligent and beautiful and it's not fair on either of us that her health is getting in the way! I know her health is way worse then she thinks, every little thing can trigger her as you said but it's difficult to know when things will etc. I always said I will be there for her and never leave and take her shit, she has had to deal with so much mess previously, I don't want to be another person to leave her! I have tried to change my attitude and the way I speak so many times in different ways but there is no change. She won't admit her health is affecting the way she perceives things and it's becoming so difficult. I have to be careful what I say etc cause I don't want to upset her. So many times I apologise when I don't even think I was in the wrong. I react as a human, I have feelings too, and as much as I want to it's so hard to put these feelings on hold. She makes me feel guilty and horrible about myself sometimes for not 'understanding' or 'listening' she is angry because she has told me before what upsets her/how she gets. I have tried and tried but it's SO hard. Then on the other hand, when she's in a good way, things are amazing. I'm in love with this girl, completely in love. And every time I think of the bad, I think of the good. Tell myself I can't leave because she is all I have. There have been such good times and experiences, we talk about marriage and everything. I believe she is the one for me. But her health, it's ruining us. I'm so sorry for such a rant, thank you so much for listening and I understand if you don't reply
 
K

katrinaxo

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Thank you for replying. She wouldn't want to go to councilling with me, she doesn't like that stuff. I tell her and tell her I love her and I'm here, but it means nothing to her anymore. She is so mad at me. I didn't mean to remind her of things and trigger her, now I feel disgusting about myself. She is telling me this is all my fault and I hope I'm happy and I will regret this
 
N

naominash

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I'm here to say that no matter how many issues, no matter how rough they grew up,

No one ought to get a free pass to just do and say whatever they want.

You're important too. Just because I have my diagnosis, does not give me the green light to make you miserable.

I am responsible for getting help. I apologize once I'm aware of my faults. Then I try to make things right.

Does your girlfriend do this?

Ask her to do these things and see what happens. Just letting you know from experience that feeling bad for someone is not a very good reason to be abused by that person.

Even if you want to, your mind, body, and soul can only take so much. That's why you're on this forum.

You must begin to hold her accountable. No free pass. This is actually the most loving thing you can do. She ought to at least speak to you respectfully, as you probably try to speak to her.

You'll get there.
 
K

katrinaxo

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I literally spoke to her just yesterday about the fact she doesn't apologise but she said she has her reasons that she doesn't want to speak about and also if she doesn't think she is wrong she won't apologise because it isn't her fault and she can't control it. I admit, I'm quite uneducated in the area of mental health however being with her has taught me a lot. However I don't know what she can control and what she can't etc. She tells me everything is uncontrollable but I don't know? I'm not putting her or anyone with mental health issues down, I just think with things such as admitting being in the wrong, surely you can control that? I don't know. I just know she is deteriorating and her health is worsening but she can't see how I'll she truly is. I feel guilty leaving her because she honestly has nobody. But then I know it isn't right feeling how i feel. My love for her is preventing me thinking practically
 
N

naominash

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I literally spoke to her just yesterday about the fact she doesn't apologise but she said she has her reasons that she doesn't want to speak about and also if she doesn't think she is wrong she won't apologise because it isn't her fault and she can't control it. I admit, I'm quite uneducated in the area of mental health however being with her has taught me a lot. However I don't know what she can control and what she can't etc. She tells me everything is uncontrollable but I don't know? I'm not putting her or anyone with mental health issues down, I just think with things such as admitting being in the wrong, surely you can control that? I don't know. I just know she is deteriorating and her health is worsening but she can't see how I'll she truly is. I feel guilty leaving her because she honestly has nobody. But then I know it isn't right feeling how i feel. My love for her is preventing me thinking practically
You already know in your heart what the right thing is. You know it's just plain wrong for her to never apologize.

You can have mental illness and be a jerk.

Maybe just take a few days away from her to sort your feelings out. Journal, pray, go on walks during that time.

Then it'll become clearer what to do. Her voice seems to be muddling you. Step back for a spell.
 
K

katrinaxo

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We have had a ridiculous amount of arguements and I will admit, each time I know it's right for us to be apart. But all of the other factors are getting in the way. What if she worsens, hurts herself, something bad happens, it will be my fault for leaving when I said I never would. I wish I had the strength to walk away and put myself first, but I can't. Because she tells me she can't help it, I feel bad. I just know the real her, and this, the way she is recently isn't her
 
K

katrinaxo

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If she acted this way with me and wasn't mentally ill, there is no chance we would be together. But her illness is controlling her and us
 
N

naominash

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If you won't leave, please take care.

Make sure you're doing things to keep yourself healthy that don't involve her.

I commend you for your loyalty.
 
K

katrinaxo

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Thank you so much for your advise. Everything you're saying is true and I really appreciate you helping, I will definitely have a good think about what we have discussed. God bless x
 
N

naominash

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The love you have for your girlfriend touches me.

I wish my husband had been half as loyal. I hope this woman learns or becomes able to learn what she has.

Thank you for coming on here. It blessed me more than you know.
 
K

katrinaxo

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I hope so too! It is so refreshing getting advice from somebody who can relate to what I'm thinking, I'm ever so grateful. I hope you have the happiness you deserve! It means a lot you took time out to help me
 
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