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davpet80

New member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
1
Location
London
Hi everyone,
I’ve just joined here cuz I have no one to talk to about my issues at the moment, and I was hoping someone would point out what my problems sound like as i dont know where to begin.
I’m 25, M, anxiety/OCD problems in the past/present.
I’ve always been relying on my mom whom i live with (and my sister) for emotional reassurance and help to the point where i’m still sadly totally dependant whilst i never had a great relationship with my 4 yrs younger sister, but lately it’s all gone worse... Since I remember I always had this need to retell events that happened to me to my mom, almost like a compulsion, e.g. if someone was a jerk to me in school (i was bullied cuz i’m gay) i felt bad about telling what happened, but i felt like i had to nonetheless, and then i’d felt relief. i’m basically impossible to live with, i’m suffocating my mom and she deserves better...pestering her with mundane texts while she’s at work/away..constantly clinging. however in the past year or so it got really bad. basically i totally IRRATIONALLY feel like i cant talk or be in the same room with my sister if my mom’s not around. i’ve recently visited extended family and it was the same! however when i was/am with other people, such as people from uni i went to, or someone i meet/work with it’s fine. mind you, i’m a fairly intelligent, normal-ish person and try to keep these tendencies hidden as much as poss, but i get so nervous if i’m with my sister, who’s totally fine and i always had a normal (never super close) relationship with...i just can’t explain or understand it...WHY am i trailing my mom, i’m 25 ffs! why am i mumbling innane mundane stuff, repeating/retelling what has been said while she was away, mimicking meaningless gestures...its pathetic, i know, but why do i feel irritated/on the edge/nervous if she misses something totally meaningless. like ‘did you see my ohone?’ etc..why do i want her to witness my every living second whilst i’m around my sister?? if i’m on my own, i can do what i like and don’t mind, but being around my sister makes me so...often angry!
i feel like i have so much guilt for being gay and even tho they are both more or less okay with it, i feel...like..monitoring myself/just uncomfortable around certain people, esp. family/anyone my mom knows.
i’n thinking maybe it’s Pure OCD, or some form of OCD that’s making me act so irrationally and silly...i can’t take it anymore.... lately with this lockdown my mom and sister are home a lot, my sister and i are home all the time, in our separate rooms, and we are all hanging out together but never my sister and me alone on our own. i feel so guilty sexually. i’m single and only had a few sexual experiences but atm i feel stuck and too guilty even to masturbate..and i just want my sister to move out or start working again..i dont understand why i feel this way towards her but im always pushing her buttons and starting fights and arguments, and often with my mom too. and i cant control myself..or stop once i start the argument, to the point where i’m bringing down everyone’s mood, making everyone upset and then feeling soo bad myself...and yet i keep provoking until i start a fight. my mom and sister cant stand to hear me complain about me having no friends, feeling bad about myself, my life having no meaning and generally talking about MYSELF. most of the time. its so exhausting to everyone and yet i always find a way to steer the conversation about myself, my unhappiness etc... i'm basically a nightmare to live with most of the time and dont know what to do.
anyone going theough anything even remotely similar?
thanks if anyones reading.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 9, 2020
Messages
1,779
Location
Canada
sounds like your spending too much time cooped up in the house with cabin fever
 
L

liv33

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
53
Location
Eu
Hello davpet80 :welcome:
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
4,840
Location
My house
Sounds like u need a hug :hug:
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,179
Merry Christmas, thank you for sharing :) I wonder if getting that off your chest has been a help :) Coming to terms with being gay and what it means to you can be a bit of a ordeal and it can leak into other areas of your life too, especially if you are limited in who you can talk to about it. Have you approached your Doctor if it's troubling you, and/or perhaps continue sharing your thoughts etc. on here and possibly even join more Forums. Hope this helps :)
 
M

My real name

Member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
5
Location
France
I'm no therapist but have you considered seeing one? I'm trying to get my head round doing the same. I have to say, if I can get out and get distracted from the mess in my mind, I usually feel better. Easier said than done, especially at the moment though.

Sexuality is a strange thing that we don't have a lot of control over but is a good platform to practice accepting ourselves. I wish I could help you but I'd guess you and I both need to go looking for the help we need
 
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